SMOKE (The Aurum Trilogy Book 2)

Chapter 17

SEVENTEEN

Lauren

HE’S REAL.

The words kept echoing in my mind, creating a pulsing, steady rhythm that I want to forget.

Could this be true? Could Jonathan be REAL?

No. He can’t be. Jonathan was just part of simulation. He was something designed to test me, something designed to push me to my limits. He was something I shouldn’t be thinking about especially now that I am on my way to winning the war for Argentum. He was something I should be pushing away and not something I was welcoming all over again. Jonathan wasn’t real, and whatever happened between us wasn’t one step closer to making him more than a memory.

But, what if he is?

What if he is and he’s looking for me? What if Jonathan was more than a memory? What if Argentum has lied to me all along so that I could focus on my mission? What if he’s real and remembers me?

A million what ifs entered my mind. I remembered the look in Lia’s eyes. I remembered the way she held onto me before I went on board, how she tightly grasped my wrist with her shaking fingers, how frantic she looked. It was as if she had lost control of herself, and the entire situation was out of her hands. She never looked that way. She was always calm and her aplomb conveyed placidity. I remembered the sound of her voice, one of relief and desperation. It sounded as if she had been keeping this a secret for long, and she finally mustered up the courage to tell me. It sounded as if by telling me, she had placed a lot of things at stake.

But was it true? If it is, why would Lia tell me now?

She knew I was on a mission and that I couldn’t afford any distraction. She knew Jonathan was my weakness. She knew how I wished he was real. She knew I loved him.

A picture of Jonathan flashes on the back of my mind. He was wearing the same button-down shirt I’ve seen him in dozens of times, yet he never fails to mesmerize me. It was as if he was made from the purest Aurum gold. His hazel eyes haunted me and beckoned me to believing in this silly dream. I saw him smile his same crooked grin, and my heart can’t help but rush once more and wish he was real.

But I can’t. I can’t wish he was real. I can no longer love him.

Things were different now. I wasn’t the old Lauren Steel who used to be Aurum’s hero. I wasn’t the marginalized peasant who hoped and prayed for a future ahead of her. I wasn’t the girl who used to sacrifice anything for the people she loves, even to the extent of losing her own happiness and giving up what she valued the most. That old Lauren Steel was gone, replaced by a Lauren Steel that refused to feel, a Lauren that refused to get hurt, a Lauren who wanted to become nothing except the key to Argentum’s salvation and Aurum’s downfall.

Jonathan wasn’t real. He was part of the past. He was part of a past that I have to bury, a past that I have to learn from. I have a real life now. I have Dan. I have a love that’s real and not something that would cause me my weakness. I don’t need Jonathan to come back to me. I don’t need him to be real.

But what if he is? What if he is real and he still loves you?

My mind goes numb as the thought strikes me once more.

What if he’s real and he still loves you?

Impossible as it may seem, a part of me decides to believe in this ‘what if’. I allowed  that part of me to make-believe that Jonathan’s kisses were real. I allowed myself to indulge in the feel of his arms wrapped around me, the way his fingers fit perfectly between my own. Slowly, I drowned in our puddle of memories as it expands into a drop in the endless ocean. It felt like I was falling for him all over again, but this time, there were no rules to stop us. There were no people to wake us up from simulations and tell us everything wasn’t real. There wasn’t this stupid condition I had to live in. There were no emotions to control or hold back. This time, it was only the two of us. That part of me makes me hope he is real, and that we had a chance of being together.