Paralyzer || Barry Allen (The Flash) Fanfiction

Chapter 49: Reactions

Being the good sport that Caitlin was, she allowed me to stay in her apartment for as long as I needed until I was ready to go apartment searching or whatever I was going to do after this. It was strange to even begin to think about searching for a home when the only place that had ever felt like home was the West household with Barry.

    It had been four days since Barry and I had broken up. My heart ached with longing, and I was still beating myself up for not being able to shut my mouth sooner. Even though I hadn't meant any of the things I'd said, it didn't matter. My words had still hurt him, and I was the only one to blame for the way things had ended.

    I'd tried calling him each day. And each day I'd been faced with the same greeting on his answering machine. I'd left a message every time, but whether he listened to those messages or not was still a mystery to me.

    Today, though... I just didn't have it in me to make another call. To have my heart break even more as the only words I'd hear from Barry for the day would be the same greeting I'd heard on his voicemail the yesterday and the day before.

    In the middle of the night, I suppose, he'd dropped off my clothes at Caitlin's door. How he'd known I was here, I wasn't sure. Caitlin probably told him, I assumed. I hadn't been to STAR Labs or the CCPD these past few days, not wanting to risk running into Barry. Of course, the risk would become real once again in a day or two now that I was walking again and would have to return to my job soon enough.

    My first thought the moment I had moved my foot — a single movement, a happy accident really, that let us know I would walk soon again — was to call up Barry and share the news. But any joy or excitement I'd had in that brief moment was instantly replaced with sorrow and guilt as I remembered what had happened between me and the boy just two days earlier. And, instead of tears of joy, I was once again sobbing in despair for what I had given up.

    Now, I was attempting to move again, using the cane — the same cane that Barry had used — to help aide me in my steps. Caitlin had told me not to try walking when she wasn't around, but it was all I could do to distract myself from thoughts of him.

    Suddenly, the loss of Barry didn't seem so bad. Not when it felt like someone was jabbing and ice pick in my spine. One pain to replace another. And I'd take this physical pain over the emotional one any day.

    But, like every other time I'd tried this, I started falling as my feet failed to move with the rest of my body. Only, this time, there wasn't anyone to catch me. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe this would teach me to stop being so damn stubborn.

    That's the reason Barry left me after all, wasn't it?

    And that single word triggered all the memories. The painful last moments I'd had with Barry. I would've thought by now that my tear ducts would have dried up from the sheer amount of crying I'd done, but I would've been wrong to think so. Because, sure enough, my face was soaked with the salty drops, and there was a small puddle on Caitlin's hardwood floors as the tears flowed from my eyes and slipped onto the ground.

    I'm not sure how long I was in that position, curled up on the floor, but the room grew darker as day turned to night. I just didn't have the strength nor did I have the will to do anything but lie there, wallowing in my own misery.

    Stop pitying yourself. Get over it.

    While my mind may have been right, I couldn't bring myself to do either of the things it suggested. Instead, I continued to lay there, drifting in and out of consciousness seeing as it was the only thing I could do, until Caitlin came home.

    Because, without Barry, I was left wondering what purpose I had in life anymore.

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