certain things

23.

"Please wake up." I furrowed my eyebrows, not opening my eyes and I felt a squeeze on my hand. "Sam?"

I slowly peeled my eyes open and winced at the brightness of the room. The walls were bright white and it smelled like disinfectant. I turned my head to see Liam, watching me with a relieved look on his face. I now realized that I was in a hospital. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead so I tried to sit up, failing miserably.

"What happened?" I asked, my voice scratchy, looking at the tube in my arm and heart monitor on my pointer finger.

"Ah, Ms. Haynes. You're awake." Liam was cut off by a doctor walking into the room and he clicked a button, my bed sitting me up. "How are you feeling?"

"Why am I here?" I asked and the doctor sighed, sitting down on his rolling chair, rolling up to the other side of my bed.

"Do you remember what happened?" He asked and I shook my head, sharing a look with Liam who had grabbed my hand. "You are very lucky, Ms. Haynes. If it weren't for this young man, you probably wouldn't be alive."

"I'm still confused on what happened." I frowned and he sighed, once again. "Why aren't you guys telling me anything?"

"I will let you two talk and be back in a few minutes to do some tests." The doctor left so I turned to face Liam who had tears in his eyes.

"Um, yesterday, I came home from class and couldn't find you. When I did you were passed out in the bathroom." He swallowed hard. "Sam, you tried to kill yourself. There was so much blood and I didn't know what to do."

When he said that it all came rushing back. The sleeping pills. The razor blade. I closed my eyes and pressed a hand to my forehead, feeling tears come to my eyes. I felt guilty for putting him through this. I know I couldn't handle it if I found Liam like that.

"I'm sorry." I choked out and Liam sighed.

"Don't say that." Liam whispered and I sniffled, looking over at him. "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling bad again?"

"I thought it would go away." I muttered, feeling stupid.

"We need to do some tests, Ms. Haynes, if that's alright with you." The doctor came in before Liam could reply and I nodded, looking down at my hands, now noticing the gauze on my wrists. Liam had to leave the room as they checked my heart rate and blood pressure along with everything else.

"When can I leave?" I asked, quietly, and the doctor sighed, pulling his chair up to my bed.

"This afternoon is when you can go, but in my opinion, I think you might need to be admitted to the rehabilitation center down the street. There is a six week program that could really help. Now, nobody is forcing you to go, but it is highly recommended." I swallowed hard and nodded, taking in his words.

"Okay," I whispered after a couple minutes. "I'll go."

"I think it is the best choice." The doctor sadly smiled at me and I nodded, fumbling with my fingers. "I can have you in by tomorrow."

"Do I get to go home first?" I wondered and he nodded, taking off my gauze. I cringed at the stitches and dried up blood on my wrists and he wiped the skin off, replacing the gauze.

"Now, there are some rules to stay there." He said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You will have no contact with any friends, only family. You are not allowed to have a boyfriend going in so that you are solely concentrated on recovery. There is group therapy once a week and solo therapy twice a week."

"I don't have any immediate family." I frowned and he did too. "I have a step brother and sister though."

"You are allowed to see step family, grandparents, cousins. You will have to break up with Mr. Payne, though." I nodded and the doctor stood up. "Alright, you are good to go. I will call the rehabilitation center and get you in and you can head over there tomorrow after three."

"Okay."

The doctor left and Liam came back in, sitting down next to me. I stood up and he handed me a pair of yoga pants and one of his long sleeve t-shirts. They shirt hung loosely on my body and I wrapped my arms around myself, following him out of the room. We left the hospital and I took a deep breath, happy to be out of the sterile room.

"Liam," I whispered once we got to his car and he turned around, his eyes softening as a tear fell down my cheek. "I'm sorry."

Liam walked over and wrapped his arms around me as I started to cry and I gripped the back of his t-shirt in shaky hands. He kept whispering that it was okay as I sobbed into his chest and I shook my head. Liam combed his fingers through my hair and I hiccuped, trying to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.

"I didn't mean to go that far." I stuttered and reached up to wipe my eyes.

"Hey, stop." Liam whispered, cupping my cheeks in his hands. "Stop blaming yourself. Take a breath, alright." I hiccuped and nodded, avoiding his gaze. "Sam, babe, it's okay. You'll get through this and I'll be there every step of the way."

"I have to go to rehab." I said after a minute and Liam frowned, brushing away my tears. "They said I can't have a boyfriend going in and I can't talk to you or anyone for six weeks."

"Sam, I just want you happy. If that means not talking for a month and a half, it's okay." I took a deep breath and Liam rubbed up and down my upper arms, slightly calming me down.

"I love you, Li." I said quietly and he just tugged me into his arms, resting his chin on top of my head. I buried my face in his chest and inhaled the familiar scent. He always smelled like cologne and mint gum.

"I love you too, Sam." He whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead.