Super Simulator

Chapter 37- Invisible Genitalia

My heart was racing! Here I was, with Jason! And- he kissed me! It was a shorter kiss than Spencer and I had, so it didn't count, but still! It was on the cheek, and sweet.

OH SHIT SPENCER!

I felt an odd feeling in my gut, something like guilt. Or Mexican food.

Hey did you know TACO CAT spelled back words is TACO CAT? 

No, Emera! Focus!

Jason had his arm around my waist as he pulled me closer to him. We were sitting on his bed and, true to his word, he hasn't let go of me yet. He was twirling a strand of my hair around. 

Jason stared at me quietly. "Emera, I'm not sure if you know this, but I want you to know anyway. I . . . you and I . . . I know you feel as if you aren't worth fighting for, but to me you are. You seem like the most amazing girl I've ever met. You're smart and funny and beautiful inside and out. I was an idiot before to never notice the girl behind those glasses. You're strong and you make me feel as if my head is spinning around and around. It almost feels like I'm light headed and dizzy every time I see you, and my heart starts going at rapid paces. I'm not sure about how I feel about everyone around me, though. But having you away from me made me realize how much of myself would be crushed if anything happened to you or if you were gone from my life. Like a part of my soul would be crushed and grounded into dust. I know before you liked me, but before you really didn't know me. You didn't know how broken I felt, and I was stupider then than I am now. I . . . I just want you to know that whatever happens . . . Just know you are so much more than you see. I've watched so far, how you seemed to grow into more of who you really are. You didn't find yourself; you created yourself. . ."

It got quiet, and he was still cradling me in his arms. Despite everything, I didn't believe him. I didn't believe he could see anything good in me. I didn't see what he says he did. I look in the mirror every day and I still don't recognize the girl in the mirror. I see a monster and a pathetic victim. I don't see how I'm worth fighting for, especially since he doesn't know he's even fighting someone.

Hell, if I had a choice, I might run away and give Jason a chance to see how pathetic and stupid I really am. For him to give up on me, because then he would just be giving up on nothing. Spencer would see that I'm not whatever concoction he created in his mind. That I wasn't anything. I'm not even sure if I'm a girl. I feel inhumane at times. But I know I can't leave. Love triangles suck. If I had a choice I would run out of the love triangle to stop being the third wheel. But I don't have a choice. I don't, because I'm caught in the middle, and I'm head over heels. Yet part of me keeps tugging me back from Jason, like a pesky leash tied to a lawn. But I know it's there to stop me from killing myself once more on the inside.

"I'm not that great Jason. I see myself more of a monster, and sometimes I just want to be a girl. Everyone keeps telling me I'm more than life itself, but I feel smaller than an ant. Frankly, if I were you I'd give up. It would be the same as giving up on nothing, because I'm not worth fighting for. I have so many flaws and I feel like they stick out like a sore thumb. I've got scars-like the ones I told you about in the beginning. I've got physical scars from incidents from things you've never even been aware of. I know everyone's past and yet no one knows mine. Honestly, I don't really want someone knowing my past, because it would lead to a series of events that could change everything you think about me now and see me as how I see myself: pathetic. I'm sad, I know that. I've accepted myself as a crybaby, I've been told it since I was little. So now I cry when no one's looking. There are things no one here knows about me, because I have terrible experiences. Terrible. Not as bad as Stacie, but terrible nonetheless. More than once me doing something I regret. More than one dignity ripping and shameful and life threatening. I'm still not sure if I'm able to talk about it even now. . ."