i don't think i want to be in the moment i'm in now.
ashton was pulling me into a hug, a smile on his face. "sorry i got here so early" he chuckled, something that didn't make my heart flutter anymore. "there's a lot of traffic in chicago."
"that's chicago for you." i nervously laughed as i followed him around his apartment. april was at school and i promised i would early dismiss her so we could go shopping. "you look like you're in a rush, everything okay?"
"yeah i just need to go get april from school." i motioned to the door, ready to leave but ashton stopped me. "cool, i can drive you. maybe we could all go out together, you know as a family?"
my heart shattered.
"yeah sure, that sounds great."
+
april clutched my hand tightly as we walked. ashton was talking to me but i wasn't listening. i felt like the worst person on the planet, i felt like i was in a nightmare that i couldn't wake up from.
the only guilty thing about it was that i didn't want to wake up from it.
i nodded my head along with what he was saying. god, out of all the things i could of done to hurt him this had to be the one. love him, calum, you can do it. i smiled a little, only to let it fall. "what the fuck is wrong with me." i mumbled quietly as we crossed the street. i glanced down at april who was looking at the buildings around us. she's never been to this part of the city before. "how about here?"
i looked up at the sign, reading the cursive handwriting and then looking at the mannequins who's bodies held expensive clothing.
"first he's daddy now he's sugar daddy?"
"w-we can go somewhere less expensive." i said quietly and ashton just shook his head smiling. "nonsense, it's nothing i can't buy."
my love. i thought to myself, pushing it aside as we walked in. my hand ran along the furs and leathers and i shook my head. i didn't want any of this, i wanted the life i used to have. i wanted a life that didn't include ashton and i didn't understand why.
i didn't understand how my love for him lost, but then i wondered if i had any love for him to begin with. i was curious, i walked up an extra ten steps to take an extra ten steps into my life and i regret it.
but then it hit me.
could i have just wanted april to have more than one parent?
i glanced at her, watching her eyes beam at what ashton was motioning to. i wanted her to have more than one person in her life, someone to teach her what i couldn't. i wanted her to see that the next person in her life wouldn't be such a bad person to her but sophie changed.
"i think she's got enough clothes, besides my feet are starting to hurt." i faked a pout and ashton nodded in agreement.
as we made our way home i glanced at him from the corner of my eyes, seeing him stare down at his wedding ring and at that very moment tears started to well up in my eyes. as soon as i reached my front door i fumbled for the keys, feeling ashton's presence behind me. "do you mind if i sleep alone tonight? i-i just need space."
he looked at me concerned before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. "talk to me about it in the morning though, okay?"
i nodded my head, taking april's hand and leading her inside. i gave him a small smile before shutting the door and locking it. "brush your teeth and get yourself ready to bed okay sweetheart?"
"are you okay?"
"i'll be fine." i wiped under my eyes, making my way towards the bedroom but not without hearing the small footsteps following behind me. i climbed into bed, april following still as she crawled over to me. i pulled her into a hug, the tears starting to fall.
"i don't love him anymore, i'm sorry but i don't. and i don't think i ever did to begin with."
+
do i make you cry?
