A Different Way[Louis Tomlinson]

Chapter Twenty

"It started in fifth grade, my depression. And I stopped eating three meals a day around the middle of sixth grade because I thought I was bigger than everyone else... Nobody noticed I didn't eat lunch, they didn't notice I wouldn't laugh or talk much anymore, hell if they even noticed me at all at first. Yeah I had friends, one or two who I really liked to hang out with, but I didn't tell them what was happening to me. Not until I made it out of sixth grade. My only 'friends' to know was of course Marlene and Cali, and Luke. I woke Marlene up at midnight to tell her I wanted to commit suicide... And all my other problems... She told Cali and Luke... They tried to help but I ended up pushing them all away. When we all went back to school in seventh grade, they tried to get back to me but I really wouldn't let them in... So they ended up forgetting about me and joined back up with their old cliques. That was when I started having panic attacks... And when they first thought I might have mania. It was a rough time for me, I still wasn't eating much, I was cutting, I was hiding, I was fading, I was dying. My mother, father and I had just gotten into a car accident. I was the only one to live, and I was sent to my grandma's. I didn't go to school for two weeks. Nobody asked me where I was when I finally came back because nobody cared. My cutting was more frequent and I was down to eating merely a slice of cheese a day. I couldn't stay awake in class, and I was failing miserably in each. In December, I had a really bad panic attack... It was so bad I hit a kid and knocked him out. They had to drag me down to the school nurse where my grandma came to take me to the hospital. That's when they confirmed my mania... It was also the first night I tried to kill myself. My grandma found me in the bathroom with a bottle of her pills. She caught me just as I was opening the lid. She took me into the mental health centre where I stayed for three weeks. I was sent back home and back to school. Nobody talked to me, but yeah, of course tons of people talked about me. Teachers started pulling me out of class because the other students would be to afraid to sit by me because they thought I was contagious..." I pause there, wiping away the tears as my mouth trembles.

"They... They uhh... They called me so many things... Attention seeker, whore, moron, suicidal freak, psycho, mental, a waist of space, they said I was just like my mother... February 25 was the second time I tried to kill myself. Marlene found me trying to open my dad's old gun case in my grandma's basement. She didn't tell anyone because I begged her not to. Well, I should say she didn't tell anyone except for Stephanie. She made a big joke out of it... Said the person who finally got me to succeed in killing myself would get an award. People beat me in the hallways and after school. I sat with the teachers at lunch, I was excused early on most days so I wouldn't have to face the crowd after hours. This continued all the way until my grandma died when I was in tenth grade. I moved in with Marlene... She treated me like a sister at home... But forgot about me at school. I spent seven years of my life alone seven hours out of each day... By eleventh grade I was so skinny I could barely walk on my own feet. I passed out at school once and I woke up in the mental health centre... I was home schooled by a private councillor for the last two months of twelfth grade... And that's when Luke and Marlene and Cali finally started to care about me all day everyday... Because they didn't have a group or a clique to stick with. All they had was me and each other... That's also when we started singing covers and when we got noticed by a local recording company... And things got better, and I started eating again... The cutting stopped and I wasn't always as depressed... I felt like people started to like me again... I knew that coming into this business would bring more negative things about me than positive but I wanted this life more than anything to show all those people that I wasn't some freak or crazy person... But you know maybe I am... And maybe that's just what makes me people think I'm such a good person and inspiration... That I know I'm a freak and I'm starting to like it..."

"Darling I didn't know it was that bad..." Louis sniffles when my story is over. He's still holding me against him, arms wrapped tightly around me. I wipe my eyes and try to calm my breathing. It doesn't quite work out the way I wanted and I end up crying harder. I press my head against his, and we sit there crying together.

"Amber that is what makes you such an amazing person... You know what it feels like, so you help everyone else so that they don't ever have to feel that way... Amber I love you so much... You are such a wonderful person... I don't know what my life would be like if I hadn't given you that note at the Grammy's... But hell yes I am glad I did it..." He laughs, which is very hard to do while crying.

"I am so happy you did too... And I am so happy you found me when you did the other day... I am so, so glad that third time was not the charm... I am so happy I'm still here with you..." I sob, pressing myself farther against him. We continue to cry against each other until I start coughing so hard I can't breath and Louis has to calm me down. When we both start to fall asleep again, I remember the last thing I hear Louis say is, "I sure am happy I have you... Trust me when I say that I'm keeping you safe forever and ever...."

I wake up wrapped in a blanket on the couch. I sit up, pulling the blanket tighter around me. I can't see Louis around anywhere, so I decide to go look for him. I stumble through the flat looking for him. I finally find him on the back porch, sitting on the steps. I open the sliding door and step out onto the hot wood. I pad my way over to him and sit down on the step. He's staring out at woods just beyond the yard. I can't read his expression, but he's wearing a frown. He doesn't even look over at me. I sigh and look down at the ground. My arms burn like crazy and I have to fight the urge to scratch them. I stare at my toes on the rough wood, and the green grass beneath the wood step. I count the seconds in my head as I wait for Louis to say or do something. 247.

"I'm really sorry Amber." I look up at him. He's still staring into the woods.

"It's not your fault." A few bumblebees buzz near our feet. They chase each other around, and they remind me of Louis and Harry yesterday. Louis shifts and the bees buzz away, off into the woods. The silence between us is killing me again. I feel the need to say something but I don't know what. So I continue to stare down at my feet as Louis stares out at the woods.

"Amber, management still doesn't want us to be together..." Louis says after awhile. I whip my head up to look at him. His eyes are closed tight, and his head hangs against his chest.

"What..." Is all I can say.

"They still don't like the fact that I'm four years older than you... Even though it doesn't seem to matter that Harry is dating girls twice his age... But I don't know what they'll do..."

"My birthday is next month, I'll be eighteen. Only three years instead of four..."

"Yeah but then six months later I'll be twenty-two... Four years again..." He sighs.

"Why is it such a big deal to them?! Why can't they leave your life alone?"

"They just want us to be appealing to the fans. Having underage girlfriends apparently isn't 'appealing'. And they don't want me to quit the band or anything to go after you if something happened between us... Or they don't want you to just suddenly say goodbye and leave..."

"So it's because I'm underage? Or because, like any other girl you will ever meet, I might someday decide to leave? That will happen with any girl! Underage or fifty years over the age!"

"I know... And they know too, but they don't care... I'm sorry Amber..." He runs his hands through his hair, brushing it away from his eyes.

"I don't have to leave or anything... Do I..." I whisper, turning back to my feet.

"No... Not yet." Yet. But I might.

"They said they'd talk about it a little more and then let me know what they've decided..." Louis wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to him. We sit outside for a long time, not talking again. But this time the silence isn't what's killing. It's knowing I might be forced away from him again.

So guys whatcha think so far? Thanks for the votes and reads! Tell me anything in the comments. Plus... I need a new fanfic to read. Any ideas?