A Different Way[Louis Tomlinson]

Chapter Fourty-Four

"Well, I guess I should start off with, I didn't know Melody for very long." I say, my voice shuddering from my trembling lips.

"She had come to the show the other night, and that's when I met her. When I woke up in the morning, I heard she was... dead. I didn't know very much about her, I'm sorry but I don't have much to say. She seemed like the kind of girl I would want to hang out with." I glance over my shoulder at the closed brown lid, concealing her long blonde hair around her pale face.

"She didn't like me very much, it seemed. But I guess it was kind of my fault she didn't like me. I wasn't the nicest person to her to begin with. And now, only three days after meeting her it's sad to think I'm saying goodbye for the final time."

****

I cling to Louis' side as we all walk through the cemetery. Flowers hang wilted against old tombstones and different countries flags fly around in the brewing storm.

In the hour or two we had been inside the church, the temperature had dropped three degrees and large storm clouds flew over head, sending occasional gusts of winds down on our little procession of mourners.

Louis' hand clutches mine as we all gather around the already dug hole in the dirt. I lean my head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent. I'm suddenly reminded of my parents funeral, and tears spring around my eyes.

Louis shifts back and forth on his feet, and I feel him shaking against me.

Everything feels numb to me in the cold summer breeze, watching as Melody's casket is dropped carefully into the hole. The sound of the preacher speaking as her mother and sister cry over the freshly laid dirt.

I'm lost in a hazy faze between the present and the past as flowers are laid atop Melody's grave, remembering my Grandma throwing down the dozen roses into the dirt of my mothers grave.

I'm snapped back to the now when Louis lets go of my hand. I'm about to reach back out for him, but he walks up to the preacher waiting for him. Its instantly colder without him holding me, and I begin to shiver.

"Louis, would you please say a few final words before we leave?" The preacher asks, spreading his arms wide. Louis nods, a solemn shake of his head towards the man before looking up at us all.

"As most of you know, Melody and I had once been together. I guess it was my fault we broke up. But in that time we were together, she was so happy with me, and I was so happy with her. She really liked life a whole lot, and she took it in better than anyone I knew. She could always find the good in something, or the bad in someone. I guess she eventually found the bad herself, and she just couldn't live with that feeling of being bad, as we all know its hard to live up to our own standards." He scans the crowd as he speaks swiftly and assuredly. His eyes stay planted on mine from that point on.

"I remember one thing that she always used to tell me, and that was that if we were ever stuck in a bad situation, she would want me to survive if she didn't. She said she wanted to show me how to live, how to be like her. And I guess I could say I wanted to be like her, I wanted to see the world the way she did. And now that she's gone, now that I've survived and she didn't, I think I'm finally seeing the world the way she did."

He ducks his head down, a tear slipping from his eye.

Even if your mouth says you hate someone, your heart will always say you love them.

****

"I can't believe I said all that.." Louis sighs as we walk back into the hotel room. The ride back was pretty uneventful, we all sat quiet and stick still, hardly glancing at each other at all.

"Did she really say that to you?" I question, my voice a quivering whispering. Surprisingly a small smile lights up his face and he looks down at me.

"Yeah, she used to say she'd die for me." His smile turns into a frown, his eyebrows knitting together and his eyes dropping to the floor.

I want to say something more, but I don't know what I should say. I don't want the silence that envelopes us, but I let it take me in.

Louis turns slowly, and begins to walk away. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out. As he makes his way to the bed, I stay in my place at the door, watching him fall apart with nothing I can do.

"Amber?" Louis calls, and I can feel my heart shrivel up inside me.

"Yeah..." I take a single step closer, my voice shaking.

"Come snuggle with me, I need someone here with me right now." He says, and I feel tears springing to my eyes. He deserves better than me, he deserves a girl like Melody.

But then again I'm like Melody in one way; two if you count the fact we both tried killing ourselves, only she succeeded; we'd both die for Louis to survive, to let him see life the way he deserves.

"I'll be right there." I sigh, turning on my heel and walking into the bathroom. I close the door, and then fall back against it, silently falling ever deeper into the black hole of my heart and soul.

****

"You really shouldn't do that." Louis says, sitting down next to me on the untidy bed. I shake my head, continuing to stare down at my scarred arms.  

"We've got a show tonight." Louis sighs, running a hand through his hair. I just nod.

"Gotta flight to catch, Charles says we need to leave soon." He heaves himself up off the bed, and walks away from me.

"Do you love me like you loved her." I ask, and I hear his steps come to a stop.

"Of course I do, Amber. If not more." He says, barely audible.

"I don't believe you, but that's okay, I don't love me either." I whisper back. I hear his feet stomp towards me, and then his face is inches from mine as he kneels in front of me.

"Don't you ever say that." He huffs through clenched teeth, his hands closing around mine. "You don't understand how much it hurts me when you say stuff like that." He softens a little, his eyes not as threatening.

"You don't understand how much I hurt in general." I stutter back, my eyes fogging over with tears. I expect him to lash out at me or say something threatening in return, but none of that happens. He pulls away from me, and onto his feet. I watch him back away until his back hits the wall.

"I'm sorry." I say, shaking my head and turning away from him. I stand up and walk towards the bathroom.

"You don't understand how much I hurt, too." I hear Louis' voice crack behind me, but I continue walking.

I HAVENT UPDATED IN A MONTH

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7.20.14