Just Wanna Be With You (Sequel to YATMIM)

...Whirlwind Of Self Hatred

~ Heathers POV ~

I watched the rest of the concert, and at the end Kellin stole the camera I was watching from and started running around with me, smiling the entire time. He would introduce me to fans and say "Meet my world! Well, meet the camera that she's watching from" and I was crying basically the entire time. It reminded me so much of our relationship, and how much I gave up for him to be happy. Maybe now I could let myself go back to him? He's made it, he's living his dream, and he seems so happy when he's talking about me. No! He doesnt need all of the baggage I come with. He doesnt need the extra stress. He doesnt need me, Im just a burden. Im a mistake, I shouldnt be here. At the end of the live stream, Kellin smiled at me and said "Dont listen to the voices in your head that tell you that you arent good enough, because you are, you truly are. Stay strong for me, I'll see you soon, I miss you baby." I went straight to twitter, tears filling my eyes again.

" @ kellinquinn I miss you too ❤️ "

Kellins phone beeped, he pulled it out, read my tweet and smiled, before putting it away and turning back to the camera I was watching from. "Goodbye for now!" I waved at him, then the live stream ended. I let out a loud cry before falling forward on the couch and bursting into tears, thankful that Alma isnt home and is at work. I clutch the pillows on the couch as memories hit me like a ton of bricks. How much we used to love eachother. How much we used to smile at eachother. How perfect we used to be. How much time we used to spend together. How many excuses we used to make up just to hang out with eachother. How many times he used to call me beautiful. How many times he used to promise that I was the only one for him. But then I think about the last few weeks of our relationship. How sudden the realization hit me, the realization that I was only holding him back. How hurt I was that I would have to give him up. How painful it was to ignore him. How I cried myself to sleep every night. How I hated myself for making such a perfect man feel like he wasnt loved. How surprised I was that he left me in the end, because I'd always secretly hoped he would see through my facade and realize what I was really doing, and that he would promise not to leave me, but he didnt. How much I cried the day he left. And it hits me that no matter how much I still love him, I hurt him, and because of me he will always be scarred. It may not be physically, but if anything mental scars are worse, because you can tell people about them, but you cant ever show them, and a lot of people wont believe you unless you have proof. I miss him more than I've ever missed anyone before in my life, but he doesnt need me anymore, and I was stupid for thinking for a second that he did. He was just taking pity on me. He didnt want me to feel down, because he's such a kind and genuine person. Im so stupid, I cant even move on from a guy I havent spoken to in 11 years. I roll my sleeves up by my elbows and stare down at my scars. There are only scars on my right arm, but the comparison between my left and right arm is a real eye opener. On both arms, there is one single scar straight down my vein, from when I was 13 and tried to kill myself. On my right arm there are countless other scars, built up from the past 11 years, as well as a little before then, not that Kellin knew, not that he'll ever know. Im a month clean today. I dont know how I managed it. I havent cut in years, but I scratched a month ago, and that has been my method for 11 years. I go to my youtube and check the comments on the video The Boy Who Meant Everything because I know they will have what I need.

" This is all such bullshit. "
" She's just an attention whore making it all up to get noticed. "
" She's a stupid, obsessive fangirl, making up lies to get attention. "
" Do you really think anyone is stupid enough to believe you!?! "
" Those tears are so fucking fake, you can just tell, she doesnt mean it. "
" Does she put any effort into her appearance!?! "
" Bitch doesnt even wear makeup, fucking gross. "
" I used to think I was attracted to girls without makeup, now I realize how wrong I was. "
" Like Kellin would ever love you! "
" Kellin has standards, and you dont meet them, GET OVER IT!!! "
" He'll never notice you. "
" You're nothing special. "
" Kill yourself bitch! "
" Do us all a favor and kill yourself! "
" Nobody will miss you, so just kill yourself. "

My fingernails automatically start scratching at my arm. I stare at the comments and let them in, I let my guard down and let the comments destroy me, I let the voices in my head get fresh material to throw at me later. I let myself fall into the whirlwind of self hatred that Im so familiar with.