Just Wanna Be With You (Sequel to YATMIM)

...War Inside My Mind

~ Heather's POV ~

The remainder of the night was spent getting up off the couch every 5 minutes to sing along with my High School Musical childhood idols while Kellin laughed and recorded me. We also watched the first Saw movie later that night, and Kellin was surprised by how stressed I got rather than how scared I apparently should've been. Saw isnt scary, ok, honestly, its just so stressful because there are plot twists every 3 seconds, and you spend the movie thinking you know whats going on until right at the end when the truth is revealed and the biggest plot twist in movie history happens and you just fall over and explode because its so shocking and stressful and I just cant. Anyway, after that we watched The Purge, and it freaked me out a small bit. Honestly, I think I only got freaked out by how realistic and fucked up it all was. It wasnt so much the creepy masks, but more that I didnt believe one of the characters would get killed off but then they did and it fucked me up. It didnt scare me though, just freaked me out. Still an awesome movie though. After that, Kellin left, because we both knew what would happen if he stayed the night: we'd stay up until 7am watching Doctor Who on my laptop together under the covers so nobody could see us.

I wake up and instantly groan. I do not want to be awake right now. I roll over and grab my phone, last night Kellin and I exchanged numbers, so I can mass text him all the time now. Sweet.

Me: I just woke up and I need hugs because waking up is traumatizing and I dont like it.

Kellin: I'll be over in 5.

I smile tiredly before putting my phone back on the desk beside my bed and curling back into the smol ball I was previously in. Kellin cuddles will be grand. I've missed them. A lot. Seriously though you dont understand, I spent $832 on various cuddle pillow things to try and replicate Kellins cuddles, and none of them worked. None. I am a desperate cuddle slut. Wow. Accurate.

"I thought you said you just woke up!?!" Kellin asks quietly. My eyes flutter open and I see him crouching down beside my bed, smiling at me.
I smile tiredly and bury my face in the pillows "I did, but I fell back asleep...Im so tired Kellin." I shuffle backwards into the center of the bed and lift the covers up, opening my arms out of him "Cuddle meeeee!" I whine, pouting at him sadly.
Kellin laughs slightly "Fine, but only because you're too adorable for me to ever say no to!" He winks, before kicking his shoes off, pulling his jacket off and sliding into bed beside me. I instantly shuffle back over to him and cling to him, curling up against him and clenching clumps of his shirt in my fists tightly. Kellin laughs softly and wraps his arms around me, holding me against him. He kisses my hair "Sleep baby, sleep." He whispers, I blush and smile.
"Will you still be here when I wake up?" I ask almost silently.
Kellin nods and kisses my hair again "Of course, I'll stay with you forever if you want me to."
"Forever sounds great." I mumble.
He laughs quietly "It really does."
Then I let my heavy eyelids close, I snuggle closer to Kellin and bury myself in the warmth of him. His scent envelopes me, like a soft blanket, he smells like home. If there was a smell that meant I was safe, this would be it, because I know that if I can smell him, he is close and all around me, and as long as he is with me I know I am safe.

After a couple more hours of much needed sleep, I wake up again, but properly this time. The first thing I see when my eyes open is Kellin, sleeping beside me, his arms holding me still. I smile, but that smile falls when I realize what happened before I fell asleep. I cant fall for him again, I'll only end up hurting him like I did before! I cant let him fall for me either! I sit up in bed and turn to face Kellin, crossing my legs and staring at his gorgeous, peacefully sleeping, face. A small smile finds its way across my face as I caress his cheek gently.
"I wish I could tell you everything..." I whisper, so quietly Im not even sure I can hear myself. "I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, but I cant, because if you find out, we'll both fall for each other again. That cant happen. I dont want to hurt you like I did last time, and Im too scared to fall in love with anyone as it is. Im too scared of messing everything up. Im too scared that if the two of us ever did get together again, one day you'd wake up and realize you deserve so much more than me, so much more than I can ever give you. Im terrified of you telling me Im not good enough, telling me the truth. I have to try and push you away again. I know it will be difficult, especially after you told me yesterday how much you've needed me, but Im going to try. For your sake, because I know you can find someone better. Im only holding you back. I mean, look how much you've accomplished without me! Im a waste Kellin, thats all I am, a complete waste of space. I'll never deserve you. You are the definition of perfection. Pushing you away again will hurt me, it will be absolute agony actually, but it will be worth it, because I'll get to see you smiling after. Even if its from a distance, from the view of magazine articles or social media posts, I will see you happy, with someone else, and seeing you happy is all I'll ever need. My happiness doesnt matter to me, it never has, yours is the most important thing to me though. I could never tell you any of this if you were awake, because Im too anxious. Too anxious that I'll scare you away, that you'll shrug it off and leave me like Im nothing, too anxious that it will upset you...I just cant. Kellin, I love you more than life itself, and Im sorry, but I have to push you away." I tear up as I whisper the whole truth to him as he sleeps soundly beside me. I shake my head and stand up, jumping off the bed and running to the bathroom. I sit on the bathroom floor and cry silently for a solid 40 minutes, before pulling myself back together again and taking a shower. I leave the bathroom and see Kellin no longer sleeping in my bed. The bed itself has been made, but not professionally, and there's a small note left on the pillow where Kellins sleeping head was lying. I raise an eyebrow and shuffle over to the bed awkwardly, my body wrapped in nothing but a towel, I flop onto the bed and grab the note.

" Justin called, him and I have a lot to talk about, band stuff, I'm really sorry. I know you're in the shower when I write this, and I'm sorry I couldn't be there when you got out, to hold you and keep you warm. This morning was perfect. I would love nothing more than to spend all day in bed with you, just cuddling and watching movies. I want to see you later, if you're up for it, but I want to hang out just us, like we did last night, so I was wondering...do you want to go out to dinner tonight? We can relive our proper date if you want to! Not the fair, that wasn't our official first date because we weren't dating, but when the fair comes to town we can relive that too if you want? I'm rambling, sorry, I'm just excited to see you again...

Let me know if you're free tonight!

Kellin xoxo "

I grab my phone from the desk beside the bed. I need to be tough. I need to be cruel. I need to push him away. I cant let myself fall for him. I cant let him fall for me. He has to stay away from me. I dont want to hurt him. There's no way I'll let myself do this. There's just no way.

Me: I'd love to relive our first official date, see you tonight! ☺️

Well fuck.