suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

∥VI. BLOOD∥

내 심장의 색깔은 black
the color of my heart is black.
시커멓게 타버려 just like that
i was burnt to black, just like that.
틈만 남연 유리를 깨 부수고
i break glass whenever i feel like it,
피가 난 손을 보고 난 왜 이럴까 왜
and i look at my bloody hands and think, 'why am i like this?'

A few days passed without getting very far with anything. I saw Jungkook in passing in the halls or the lobby of our apartment building, always with that black bag of his. I'd muster up the sweetest smile I could, even though it was awkward because of what he revealed to me the last time we'd spoken and I had no idea what to say or even how to approach him.

He always saw me. I knew he did, because we always made eye contact. However, he'd just think something like, "why can't that girl just give it up already?" and break the eye contact as soon as it was created, sauntering away to God knows where to do God knows what.

It was already Friday and we hadn't even spoken one word to each other.

Not verbally, at least. I still sent him a note every morning before I went to school. But, of course, that was one-sided and I always had to be careful about what I said so it wouldn't give away my identity. That would only make him avoid me even more.

It was all so frustrating. That progress we'd made, if you could even call it that, was dwindling.

It felt like I was back at square one.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair as I rode home from school in Taehyung's car and watched the city fly by from the passenger side window.

It was so hard to get to know someone who didn't even really want your company. And this Jungkook guy avoided me like the plague.

"What's wrong, Minnie?" Taehyung asked, deep voice completely serious (for once) and filled with concern as it echoed from the driver's side. "You've been acting so off lately."

I looked up to meet his eyes that I hadn't even realized were on me.

I tried to smile, but I doubted it reached my eyes. "I've just had a lot on my mind lately. I've been stressed," I admitted. There was no point keeping things from Taehyung; he could read me like a book.

He turned back to face the road, smiling a knowing, half-hearted smile. "Is it that allusive Jungkook guy again?"

Taehyung and Jin still hadn't even seen Jungkook. I'd barely seen him as well. He was always out and about, doing whatever it was he did.

I blushed, thoughts filled with different images of his handsome face glaring downwards at me. "Ne," I sighed, looking down at my lap as I awkwardly rubbed my hands together. "And he's not a mythical creature, Tae-oppa," I smiled faintly, trying to make a joke. "His name is Jeon Jungkook and he's just a man."

I'd found out only recently that his surname was Jeon from the landlord coming by and demanding to see him about some unpaid rent and mistaking our apartment for his and Yoongi's.

"Oh, excuse me." He pressed a hand against his heart as he said this rather sarcastically.

I smiled with a slight laugh and there was a moment of silence before he said, "You've been sneaking off to talk to him a lot and whenever you get back you look flustered or spaced-out. Do you like him or something?" Tae asked, giving me a sideways look.