suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

∥ XIX. LEAVE ∥

난 제발 적당히 하기를
i wish you wouldn't go too far,
바래도 넌 끊지 못하네.
but you just can't stop.

I sat at the unusually crowded dinner table in silence, just staring down at my food. Jiho was here, and so were Namjoon, Jimin and Hoseok. We had to add the bar stools to the rectangular table because we only had four regular chairs, and I was squeezed in between Jimin and Jiho. Namjoon, Hoseok and Taehyung were on the other side, and Jin got to sit at the 'head' of the table.

I was convinced that Taehyung and Seokjin invited them over to force me out of my bedroom for once and get me to interact with people again, because they could see that I was retreating into myself like I did in the early years of my depression. They were probably terrified I would return to all of my old ways if I didn't start getting better soon.

But even surrounded by their casual conversation, I couldn't put a smile on my face no matter how hard I tried. I still only felt like crying my eyes out.

They tried to include me in the conversation several times, asking me how my grades were or how therapy had been, but my voice always came out so strained and quiet, like the very few words I'd offer them were choking me as they made their way out of my throat.

Luckily, Jiho would notice how uncomfortable I was and say something to divert attention from me, steering the conversation in another direction. After one of the other boys would start talking about something, I would look at him with a relieved expression of gratitude, and he would give me a small smile. But I saw the sad undertones, the worried lines on his face as he wondered what was wrong. I sighed, going back to picking at my food with my fork.

Time passed by so slowly, dragged on so painfully as I counted the seconds until they left. I loved my friends, but I just wanted to be left alone. And I hated the worried glances they kept giving me.

At least eat a little bit, Minah-yah, Jin gently tried to coax me as I made eye contact with him after noticing his troubled gaze.

But I was worried that if I ate anything, I wouldn't be able to keep it down. My stomach had been tossing and turning with anxiety-induced nausea for days. Still, I ate as much as I could force down.

I hated worrying everyone.

I hated being like this. It scared me, too.

After dinner was over, my friends still stuck around, probably afraid to leave me alone when I was like that, even when that was ironically the only thing I really wanted.

It was late at night, and Jimin, Hoseok, Namjoon and Jiho decided to stay the night. It was the weekend, after all. We were crowded on and around the couch watching Disney movies in a marathon. It got really late, so Seokjin ended up falling asleep. Taehyung carried him to bed and hadn't come back out, so I guessed he'd fallen asleep as well.

Jimin was nodding off, his head falling on Hoseok's shoulder before he realized that and popped back up, a sleepy look in his eyes.

Hoseok was already passed out, and Namjoon was laying on the floor with his head on a pillow and a blanket wrapped around him like a cocoon.

I leaned forward to see if he was asleep, and he was awake, but looked like he would pass out at any moment. I looked up at Jiho to my right, and he was staring straight ahead at the tv with his arms crossed, looking completely awake. He must've had a lot of sleepless nights at the studio or something to make his body run at such odd hours.