suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

sunday, 10/23/16, 11:55 pm.

it was real this time, the kiss you gave me.

and i was stupid because i

kissed you back just

as passionately,

clinging so tightly onto your black shirt

like it was your heart,

never wanting to

let you go.

and by the way you ran your gentle fingers

through my hair and

across the wet skin of my face

as i began crying because

i knew i was in love with you,

i knew you must feel something,

even when you told me you'd become numb

throughout the course of your turmoils.

and after i realized what i was doing

and had to rip myself away from you,

i found that i was matching your breaths

that were so ragged,

sounded so painful,

like you were either being shattered

or pieced back together

like precious, priceless porcelain.

"i-i have to go," i said in a rush.

your voice was raspy, coarse,

as you asked me,

"wae?"

and your thoughts whispered,

why are you crying?

but i couldn't answer either one as i

ran out,

away from that piano, that song you sang me

that i realized was about me.

and now it's almost tomorrow

and i still have no clue

what i'm doing.

i didn't expect this to happen,

because it never has before,

and i've never been so unprepared.

and i'm rethinking everything

i've ever done with you,

but i can't forge a single

comprehensible thought,

because i know you're just on the other side

of my bedroom wall

and the only thing i've been able to

think about is

how beautiful you must look right now.

but i'm going to force myself...

was this all just one huge mistake?

i don't want to say that it is, because

where would either one of us be

if you hadn't opened your door

a bit too roughly,

and i hadn't spilled my laundry everywhere,

and you hadn't made a remark

about my underwear,

and i hadn't heard the dark thoughts lurking

just behind your eyes?

you might not have calmed down

that night you broke all that glass

and found one of the shards

as sharp as your tongue

and used it

against yourself.

and i might've drowned in my tears

during that storm

and then gone to a nearby bridge

above a river

as chaotic as my thoughts

and jumped

to make sure

i drowned for real this time...

have we really been

keeping each other

alive this whole time?

maybe.

or maybe

we were just lucky

and were always in the right place

at the right time.

if that's so, it's inevitable that

our luck will run out.

you told me to save you in your song.

and i always thought i could, but

what if i can't?

what if you can't be saved?

what if i can't even save myself?

what if we only end up

burning each other to ashes

with this fire between us?

-k.m.a