suicide notes 「 jungkook 」

∥ XXI. CATCH-22 ∥

이미 정해진 재판 받기 지쳤어.
벗어나고 싶어 절박히.
i'm tired of all these trials with already-known results.
i'm desperate to break free.

I thought long and hard, day and night.

I thought at school, at home. Even when I forced myself to go hang out with my friends, I was still completely immersed in my second-guessing.

Out loud, silently. I probably looked like I was slowly losing every sliver of sanity I still desperately clung to as I paced the floor of my bedroom.

The thoughts were all-consuming, distracting me from reality as I played every possible scenario's possible outcome over and over again in my mind,, each time only seeming to get farther from the truth as more doubts arose.

I was trapped in a labyrinth with no apparent solution.

That was, of course, until the last night I saw Jungkook, when Taehyung brought me back into the apartment because I'd fallen asleep outside of his door.

That was the night I'd had my epiphany.

I thought of what he'd said, as well as how I'd reacted. My own actions, as well as Jungkook's.

And I'd realized...

I'd tried everything, just like Taehyung had said.

I'd tried to stay friends, to help him from a platonic standpoint.

But that proved impossible, as the closer we became, the more intense the attraction became, and I couldn't see any blemishes, any cracks in his beauty even when I knew all his flaws.

I'd tried to keep my own feelings hidden even as we became more intimate with each other.

But I still had no willpower to stop any of his advances or any of my reciprocations. I was powerless, bending easily with desire.

I'd tried to distance myself from him so that maybe the feelings would disintegrate, diminish or at least fade.

But he always did something reckless to multiply my worries and concerns, and I always came back before long.

I'd tried to act unfazed by his remarks and actions.

But look where that got me. I only ended up hurting Jungkook even more than I had.

I'd tried absolutely everything, and every trial only seemed to bring Jungkook deeper into his depression.

Everything, that is, except tell Jungkook that his feelings for me were completely mutual.

At first, the idea to confess seemed ludicrous to me, but I honestly had no clue how else I could make him stop being so furious with me, so jealous of all my friends and so insecure, so convinced that he was unworthy of not only his dream, but the return of love.

I'd contemplated over it for a long time, but I figured there was no other choice but to finally confess. It was a last-ditch effort to reverse our curse as I stared the ominous, deadly oblivion in the face.