Dear You #Wattys2016

Seventeenth Letter

17th Letter

Dear You,

Sa loob ng ilang buwan na magkarelasyon tayo Raf, ang isa sa mga pinagsisisihan ko ay yong di kita masyadong na comfort sa mga problema mo

I know Raf, I know what it's like to feel that there's no one out there to help you or lend you a hand, alam ko kase naranasan ko yan, ang pagkakaiba lang natin, I have my brother na minsan naging sandalan ko

But I was always there for you Raf, ready to listen, ready to give you advice and ready to help you

Hindi mo alam kung paano ako nahihirapan sa tuwing nagkakaroon ka ng financial problems at wala man lang akong magawa, especially since ang layo natin and we're also not that rich, mas mayaman ka pa nga eh but you had your problems

Lalo na pagdating sa disappointment ng parents mo, my heart always bleed when I feel that you are in pain pero wala man lang ako magawa, hanggang sa salita lang ako, hanggang sa phone lang ako nakakacomfort sayo, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to hug you and let you know na di ka nagiisa

But I can't, you know it's not that simple Raf, ang dami ko pang dapat asikasuhin dito, I have my studies, alangan namang umabsent ako ng isang linggo to go there to you, isa pa wala akong pera pang transportation, ang mahal kaya

Naalala mo ba nung sinabe mo sa akin yung problema mo?

Me:

Baby, okay ka lang ba? :(

Baby:

Hindi baby eh :( May problema kase ako ngayon

Me:

Anong problema mo? Baka makatulong pa ako

Baby:

Kase eh, nahihirapan kami ngayon sa pera :( Baka nga tumigil na muna ako sa pagaaral, besides nagiging pabigat lang ako sa mga magulang ko with my failing grades, kaya magtratrabaho nalang guro ako para makatulong

When you said that Raf, hindi ko alam ang sasabihin, ayokong magkamali kase baka magalit ka

I wanted to say everything's gonna be fine, basta magseseryoso kana sa pagaaral mo, wag na muna mag laro laro kase naadik ka na at wala ka ng time para sa pag aaral mo. You should finish your studies kase yon ang gusto ng parents mo at makakatulong karin, wag ka narin masyadong magpapabili ng marami o mahal, tipid tipid kumbaga

Pera lang yan, iba talaga pag nakatapos ka

I wanted to tell you that pero natatakot ako kase alam kong magagalit ka, ayaw mong dinidiktahan ka kung ano ang tama sa mali

Ayaw mong pinapamukha sayo na mali lahat ang ginagawa mo

And I was afraid to lose you especially kase malayo tayo, may posibilidad na iwan mo ako dahil sa sasabihin ko kase baka magalit ka, I don't want you to think too that di kita naiintindihan, I understand you Raf kase alam ko kung gaano mo kagustong ma proud sila sayo, alam ko kung gaano ka nagsisisi, alam ko kung gaano kahirap maghanap ng pera

Been there, done that

But instead, I chose to tell you

Me:

Seryoso ka na ba talaga sa desisyon mo babe? Sayang naman kase ang nasimulan mo besides kung matatapos ka na, makakatulong ka na

Baby:

Di ko pa talaga alam baby, pero gusto ko talaga magtrabaho, gusto kong makatulong

Right there, right then, nawalan na ako ng pwedeng sabihin, I wanted to tell you everything pero di ko na naman nagawa

Me:

Ikaw bahala, kung ano man ang desisyon mo, I will support you

At yon Raf, yun ang isa sa mga pinagsisisihan ko, kase wala akong nagawa, kase di kita nasabihan, I should have been brave enough to tell you what's wrong, to tell you na ayusin ang buhay mo, to tell you to stop using all of your time in playing computer games and instead you should study and be good at it

Sana naging girlfriend ako sa aspeto na yan, kase di ko nagawa ang responsibilidad ko bilang girlfriend mo, kase natatakot ako na baka iwan mo ako

Pero yon naman pala eh, wala parin, wala nang tayo. I should have told you that

Baka naman nakatulong pa ako sa buhay mo

Everynight I include you in my prayers, seryoso ako pag sinasabe ko sayong

"I'll pray for you babe"

I always do, kase nagaalala ako sayo Raf. Mahal kita, alam mo yon kaya normal lang na gusto kong maging masaya ka

I tried my best to comfort you, pero alam mo yung feeling na lage nalang may kulang? Na lage di sapat? That it will never be enough?

Maybe that's why we ended, maybe dahil it will always be never enough

Kase malayo tayo, kase di tayo nagkakasama

I can't physically comfort you and mas nakakatulong yon

I always picture myself being there when you are sick, being there when you are at your lowest, being there to celebrate your success and being there when you need me the most

Pero parang imposible sa atin Raf, parang ang hirap

Kaya siguro we had to end, we had to finish everything

Kase lageng may kulang

Di mo alam kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa tuwing wala akong magawa para sayo, na feeling ko napaka useless ko na girlfriend

You don't know how I fought with my monsters

Ikaw kaya Raf, naisip mo rin ba yon? Naisip mo rin ba na baka kailangan kita, na baka may araw na kailangan kita but you couldn't be here with me

Cause honestly Raf, there were a lot of times that I needed you, pero binabalewa ko nalang, I couldn't ask you, I couldn't ask you the impossible

And maybe that's one of the biggest flaws, because we couldn't be more honest, because we couldn't tell how much we needed each other

Naalala mo nung lage kang nagkakasakit?

Me:

Kawawa naman ng baby ko :( Uminom ka na ba ng gamot? Magpahinga ka na kaya babe

Baby:

Oo, uminom na ako, maya maya guro baby, magpapahinga ako

Me:

Hays :( Kung andyan lang sana ako :(

Baby:

Wag kang magaalala babe, balang araw, you could be here and take care of me :)

Me:

I love you baby :*

Baby:

Mahal na mahal na mahal kita baby ko, Amber ko, my queen :*****

I was honest that time Raf, di ko alam sa parte mo but I wanted to be there, I wanted to take care of you, gusto ko lage akong andyan sa tuwing nagkakasakit ka

Papakainin, papainumin ng gamot at magkatabi tayong matulog

It always hurt me when I can't do those things and I can never do those things

Kase wala ng tayo

And I should start to accept that

-Amber