Dear You #Wattys2016

Twenty-Sixth Letter

26th Letter

Dear You,

This letter will be the very last letter that I'll be giving you, the very last bit of my feelings, the very last of the things that I'm willing to give to you.

Kase nakakapagod na Raf, namanhid na ang puso ko sa sakit na nadarama ko, wala na akong mailuha pa kase naiyak ko na ata lahat ng pwede kong maiyak

I've been too stupid for that span of time Raf, di ko na nga mabilang ilang ulit akong nagmakaawa sayo non eh, but still, I got no response from you

Mag o-one month na ata na magkakahiwalay tayo and yes Raf, I have to admit, andyan parin ang feelings ko

Nasasaktan parin ako sa tuwing naiisip kita but honestly, di na gaya dati

I guess nakatulong din ang pagiiyak ko buong sembreak, wala nalang akong ibang ginawa kundi umiyak ng umiyak

But then after a few days of mourning, I had to pretend that I was okay. Matapos malaman ng mama ko lahat, she was mad but she didn't scold me or she didn't even told me 'I told you so'

In fact, she just encouraged me

"Okay lang iyan, di mo rin naman yun deserve. You deserve better and besides wag kang magpadala sa emosyon, kaya mo pang maka move on dun" she said that the moment she knew na wala na tayo and you left me without a single reason

I had to pretend that I was strong and that kaya ko kase ayaw kong nakikita ako ng mama ko na nanghihina at dahil pa sa isang lalake. Pinalaki ako ng mama ko na matapang, yong hindi nagpapaloko sa mga lalake, in fact tinuruan pa niya akong makisabay sa mga ninja moves ng mga lalake and I learn a lot

But when it came to you, just like I said, I bended all the rules for you Raf but I never told my mom about it kaya kahit gusto kong umiyak sa kanya, di ko magawa kasi ayoko maging mahina sa harap ng mama ko

I talked to my brother about it, he was more open to my pain. Kahit di siya boto sa relasyon natin, he was there to listen

He adviced me, he told me it wasn't my fault. Sabi niya, kasalanan nating dalawa

I tried blaming myself for days Raf when you left me, kase feeling ko talaga nun that I was at fault, na nagsawa ka kase masyado na tayong nagaaway dahil sa mga insicurities ko

But then I realized after the talk with my brother, that we both did it. We both messed up

Kaya galit na galit ako sayo Raf, kasi kung umasta ka, parang ako yung nanakit, parang ako yung nagkasala, parang ako yung nang iwan

When in fact, ikaw ang nangiwan, you were the first one to give up the damn fight and it was our mistake that we couldn't handle our issues well

I think it's one that I wanted to have Raf, kaya siguro nagsusulat ako sayo kase I wanted to know, I wanted to point out the flaw, kung saan ba ako nagkamali

Or maybe this is my way of saying goodbye. My proper way of saying goodbye, unlike you, na iniiwan mo lang ako basta basta sa ere

I don't know if you are my first love but one thing's for sure, I've never been this broken before. Oo, umiyak din naman ako nung nagkahiwalay kami ng ex ko but not like this

It's one of the mysteries I still have in my life Raf. Ano bang magic meron ka at ganito ka laki ang naging impact mo sa life ko?

Why did I like you this much?

You were the first one who made me feel broken, too broken na di ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula para maayos ko ang sarili ko

I was a mess when you broke up with me but I can't show you that side and so I acted strong, wala akong pinost na malulungkot sa status, I tried to keep myself busy with hangouts and pinapakita ko sayong masaya ako kahit na wala ka but in reality I'm doom