Dear You #Wattys2016

Fifteenth Letter

15th Letter

Dear You,

Ilang beses na akong uminom ng alak sa tuwing nag aaway tayo, sa tuwing nasasaktan ako ng dahil sayo kase ang alak lang ang nagpapatanggal nun

Doon ko narealize na tama ang ibang kaibigan ko na sometimes, alcohol is the best way to divert your mind from the problems, temporarily nga lang pero okay na

Naalala ko nung time na nagsisimula na tayo na lage nang magkaaway, na wala kanang masyadong time sa akin, that you were acting different

Naalala ko nun that I chose to drink a lot para makalimutan ko ang problema ko

I badly wanted to cheat at that time Raf, I badly want to hurt you as much as you hurt me

Pero alam mo ba, sa totoo lang Rafael, kahit gaano ko sinubukan na saktan ka rin, di ko parin magawa

I was hesitating that night

There were guys who were with us kase tong mga kaibigan ko brokenhearted, naghahanap ng rebound. Kaya ayun, they invited guys over

Ako wala lang, inom lang ng inom, kinakausap din ang mga bisita nila and nagbibiruan kami nun

We were teasing Carmella kase nga andun iyong crush niya na si George. Kaya ayun, sobrang tawa namin kase namumula na si Carmella

One of my friends told me that I should have entertain guys, may lalake kase dun na obvious na obvious that he was flirting with me

Pero di ko sinakyan

I remember how my friend told me those lines

"Akala mo ba loyal yun sayo? Hindi! Kaya ikaw wag karing maging loyal. Ikaw ang kawawa"

Sana pala nakinig ako sa kanya ano?

Sana that time, naghanap na ako ng iba

But I can't Rafael because I loved you so much na di ko iyon magagawa sayo

That night di mo man lang ako masyadong tinext, di ko alam kung nasan ka, last time you texted me, you said that you were playing LOL in the internet cafe

Naintindihan naman kita, di naman kita pinagbabawalan don

But then again, I also need you

That time dinaan ko nalang sa alak lahat ng sakit na nadarama ko

Di ko na mabilang ilang full glass of Empe na ang nainom ko nung gabing yon

Hanggang sa naramdaman ko nalang na nahihilo na ako at gusto ko ng sumuka nun kaya pumunta agad ako ng C.R.

I stayed there for how many hours, di ko na alam gaano na ako katagal nagtambay dun sa C.R.

Ni lock ko yung pinto, katok pa ng katok mga kaibigan ko sa labas kase nasusuka narin yung iba

Pero di ko binubuksan, not because I don't want to but I can't freaking stand up

Nahihilo na ako, that was the first time that I was so drunk and wasted

Di ko na makilala ang sarili ko nun, when I felt I was already okay and di na ako nasusuka

I decided to go back to our table pero nahihilo parin ako, di na ako makatayo ng maayos, I was trying my best to stand straight, pero wala na

The moment I came to my seat, agad kong kinuha ang phone ko and called you Raf

Yes, I was drunk calling you

Pinalabas ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin

I told you how much I missed you at paulit ulit na ako sa sinasabe ko na nahihilo na ako

"Babe nasan ka na? Ha? I'm still here with my friends. Bakit di ka na nagrereply? Nakauwi ka na ba?"

"Amber? Are you okay? Nag iinuman ba kayo?" parang naiirita na ang boses mo nun eh

"Ha? Di ah" natatawa ko pang sambit

"Uminom ka eh. Tsk. Yan na nga ba ang sinasabe ko eh, tumigil ka na sa pag inom and umuwi ka na"

"Ha?!" napasigaw pa ako nun kase di kita marinig and I was too drunk to process everything

"Sinisigawan mo ako? I said stop drinking when you obviously can't handle it anymore"

"Babe I'm not shouting at you, I'm so drunk right now, nahihilo na ako. Nasusuka pa ako" nanghihina kong sambit

Gusto kong magsumbong, gusto kong mag alala ka

Gusto kong magkaroon ka ng pakealam sa akin Raf

I want to feel that you care, that you are worried

"Go home Amber, you are drunk. Bakit ka ba kase uminom? Di mo na kaya, umuwi ka na" galit mong utos nun, yes I knew you were pissed already

Ayaw na ayaw mong umiinom ako kaya nga gustong gusto kong gawin yon because I want you to get mad at me, I want you to care, I want you to notice me

Gusto kong magpapansin kumbaga kaya lage kitang sinusuway, kaya lage tayong nag aaway

Hindi ko naman talaga gusto na humantong sa matinding awayan, I just wanted you to care for me

Gusto kong maramdaman na nagaalala ka

Na mahal na mahal mo ako

And that was it, sinabe ko sayo na uuwe na ako

Na di na ako uulet pa

At alam mo ba ang ginawa mo? Pagka bukas nun, whole day mo na akong di kinausap

Whole day mo akong binalewala

Because you were mad, because you were pissed that I was drunk and that I shouted at you

Eh di ko naman sinasadya na sigawan ka, I can't hear you that time because the music was so loud and I was dizzy, wala na akong maintindihan nun

I said my sorry's countless of times, ilang ulet akong nag sorry, nagmakaawang patawarin mo na ako at di na ako uulet pa

Ilang beses akong umiyak na parang namatayan kase akala ko iiwan mo na ako. Because you weren't answering my calls, you weren't replying my chat kahit online ka

And the worst is, when you finally decided to text me, parang wala lang sayo, parang walang nangyari

Di ka man lang nagsorry? I was damn worried and you just told me na busy ka, na nawalan ka ng load, na di ikaw ang gumagamit sa facebook mo kaninang hapon, na you were also pissed because of what happened last night

So ganun lang yun? Ganyan ka naman palagi Rafael eh, labas dito, labas doon, ganyan lang ang ginagawa mo sa tuwing may away tayo

Kase sa simula pa lang, wala lang naman ako sayo

And that's one of the many reasons why we didn't work out

-Amber