The First Fall

Chapter 18

It was like learning to walk once again. Rene asked me to deal with a day at a time and advised me to immerse myself in my studies and reading. She also spent a lot of her free time with me. I felt a little guilty for intruding on them this much. Alex was going to propose before everything happened and he even asked my help in choosing an engagement ring which will be perfect for her. He already has it with him and I think whatever happened had forced him to postpone it. I already decided that I will ask his permission to move out of her house and go back to my room. I wanted to be alone, to think things over and I wanted to spend all possible free time of mine remembering him. It was quite an impossible task not to think about him always. If he was always there in a corner of my heart when he was alive then he ruled it now after he left me.

I was afraid that I will forget him someday if I didn’t keep him in my thoughts every possible second. I didn’t want that to happen. No matter what the price was, i promised myself that I will never let him go away from me. Sometimes it was as if I was waiting for him to come back saying that all of it was a joke and he was all right. I hadn’t seen him after the accident nor did I attend the funeral and as far as I was concerned he was still waiting somewhere  and the fact that he was no more had not yet penetrated into me completely. I was never going to let it get in.

Rene deliberately tried to inject that truth into me and she was constantly trying to remind me that he was no more and that too not so subtly. I knew what her intention was. I agree that he was no more but it was much easier to say than accepting it for myself. It was getting to my nerves and I was sure that I will snap at her soon if I stayed there for long.

After what the both of them have done for me I didn’t want to be a heartless bitch without gratitude.I knew that Roy will be displeased with me and Alex will be sad and JT will blow a fuse if he heard about it. No I couldn’t let it happen. All three of them were important people as far as I was concerned and I was never willing to let them down. I waited that day for Alex to come home from work and when I got him alone I decided to play my cards right.

“Alex I want your permission to do something important.”

“What Nina? If it’s about you moving out then you already know my answer.” He told me as if reading my mind.

“But why? I can’t concentrate on my studies while I am here. You guys are treating me as if I am made of glass and it has started to suffocate me. Why can’t you just let me go?”

I started with a calm voice but it became an angry hiss towards the end and the look on Alex’s face was too much to bear that I had to look away.

He slowly came near me and tipped my chin up forcing me to look him in the eye “Is it what you really want Nina? You want to move out? Go away from us? Maybe you even want to forget us? Am I right?” His look was so piercing that I felt it deep into my soul. When he found that I was not going to reply he continued,

“I never saw you as my brother’s lover, maybe I did before we met but after that I always considered you as my own sister. I have never let anyone see this emotional side of me, not even Rene and you want to get away from me? Why can’t you just let me take care of you for a while? Is it too much to ask for? Was it only for Roy’s sake that you tolerated me and my overbearing self?”

I opened my mouth to say something but it got stuck in my throat and when the silence began to drag I saw Alex trying to mask his hurt. He was about to to turn away from me when I caught his sleeve

“Alex, why are you trying to hurt me like this? You know it very well that I never saw you only as Roy’s brother. But you have to understand my situation too. It hurts me to be always near someone whom he loved and respected too much. You sacrificed your ambitions for him. You let him go after his dreams by taking his responsibilities on your shoulders. You did what was expected of him and you let him free in a sense Alex. We never talked to each other but I think in his mind your place is not less than that of God. When I see you taking care of everyone while ignoring how you feel or not daring to show that side of you because of me and JT and his parents, it’s killing me Alex.”