The First Fall

Chapter 21

When I woke up I found myself in JT’s lap and he was saying my name pleading me to open my eyes. He was asking for my forgiveness and I felt something wet on my forehead. I realized with shock that he was crying. When my initial confusion cleared, everything that happened earlier came rushing back to me. At first my intention was to lash out at him continuing what we were doing before he dragged me there to see my Roy.

But soon I felt guilty for saying those things to him. I should not have said those and obviously I have hurt him by doing so. After all what he said about me were correct. I was a coward and what if I was not worthy of Roy’s love in the first place? What if he expected more from me and I held back? I had no right to question JT’s love or devotion to Roy, like he said they knew each other their entire life and who was I to question something as powerful as their friendship?

I was the one who was the charity case there; the only good thing that ever happened to me was meeting Roy and what if just as J T had said, I was clinging to him and not letting him go? Was I actually not letting him sleep in peace? All those facts kept circling in my head like vultures causing my headache to grow and I let out a whimper because when I began to think like that I couldn’t hold back my pain anymore. Hearing the sound he raised his head and relief flooded his face, he looked up to the sky as if thanking someone for bringing me back to consciousness.

“Thank God you are back Nina. I am so sorry dear, I didn’t mean to cause you such pain and all I wanted to do was to make you aware of the truth which you were avoiding like plague. Please accept it dear. He is not here and he will never come back. He can’t. He wanted me to do this, he asked me to force you to face the truth someday. He loved you so much that all he could think about while he was in hospital fighting for his life was you. Only you. You have no idea what is going through my mind this instant. You are right Nina, I am a coward, I am a selfish jerk and I ran away from you when you needed me the most. I am so sorry for that.”

It was too much to digest and I sat up straight and looked him in the eye. He was in so much pain and was struggling to speak each word through all the emotions that were emanating from him that it made me guiltier than I was before. He was right, we went all the way there to talk and we should be doing that. I had to stop giving these people more pain, I was putting them into emotional mess by simply being me, staying adamant without trying to move forward with my life.

I looked towards the cemetery, I could not see it from there but I looked in the direction. I wished with all my heart to meet my Roy once more, to talk to him for a last time and I didn’t care how; if it was possible then I was ready do as those guys wanted me to. I just wanted to see him once, I looked towards the church and contemplated going in but I decided not to at last. But I asked him, the most powerful magician in this whole universe to help me take the right decisions, to bring some magic into our lives, and to give me a chance to meet Roy once again. I mocked myself for asking him such an impossible wish to grant and I turned towards JT. I knew what I was wishing for was too much, an impossible task even for God to heed to.

He was sitting there watching me with trepidation. I wiped away his tears and laid my head on his shoulder. I just didn’t know where to start and what to say. “I am sorry JT. Because of me you had to go through all this and you were right. I am a coward, and whatever you said about me is right. I am not angry at you….”

But he didn’t let me finish it. “Look Nina, I am sorry too. I had no right to question you or your relationship with Roy. Whatever you both had was beautiful, in fact it was almost impossible for any normal people to feel the same way you two did. I respect you a lot for that and I respect you for still loving him. I am not asking you to forget him forever nor am I asking you to stop loving him. All I want from you is to accept the truth that he is no more.”