The Popular And the Geek.

Chapter 39: Dark

C H A P T E R 39: Dark.

The dark feeling came to me once again but this time, worse. I can't help but feel worthless and bad in general. The feeling of my body being gross is getting more to me as well as the hate comments. Ethan tells me to ignore them, and I do, but they still hurt. I'm still not comfy with the way I feel about my body and having tons of people hating on every single part of me doesn't help a lot.

It just surprises me how easy things can just flip. Some days ago I was at the beach living my life to the best, and now I'm here thinking of killing myself and how worthless I've always been. I wish people knew how much words hurt, and how hypocrite some of them are! I mean they always share this videos of how it's wrong to treat woman like trash, and how bullying is wrong but then they come and bully me? Where's the sense in that?

From: Bae
Hey! Jakob, Chris and I are going to the park, do you want to come with us?

To: Bae
I can't I have to clean my room and I don't feel really good): but I hope you guys have a good time(:

I feel so bad when I lie to Ethan, I already cleaned my room. It's just that I don't feel good to face him, I'm an emotional mess.  Plus, I think he needs to hang out more with the guys but without me, he needs to have fun without having to worry about me not knowing how to swim or things like that.

From: Bae
Oh okay, I hope you feel better(: call if you need anything! Love you xx

To: Bae
Awh thank you(: love you too xx

He didn't reply back, but it's fine there was nothing else to say.

•*•*•

The rest of my afternoon consisted in me reading the hate comments and hating myself even more than I already did.

'I thought Ethan had better liking! I mean so many girls behind him and he decides to date this one? Lmao'

'Oh my god she's so horrible'

'Ethan mate what happened to you? Did they payed you to date her?'

'LOL I'm still surprised! Ethan went for the worst'

All those comments and even more In just one picture. I posted this picture of Ethan and I just smiling and those were the comments. I entered to my DMs. Bad idea. There was this DM from a hate page of me, they sent me a lot of pictures that just made me want to die. They went to far.

That horrible feeling came back. Not the dark one, the one that I felt the first time I decided to cut. The one that made me want to grab the razor once again and slide it against my skin.

"No I can't" I whispered to myself as I was tearing up. My mind told me to call Ethan, I knew he was the only one who could calm me down; but it isn't fair for him, he deserves something better than just having to come whenever I feel bad and calm me down.

My head started hurting bad, I could barely breath and all the hate comments came to my mind making things more difficult than they already were. The tears started coming down, I was crying hard once again, my breath started quickening but it felt like no air came in. As if I was being chocked.

What's happening to me?

My cries were everything you could hear in the room and probably the entire house since there was no noise at all. I slowly took my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them and continued to cry.