What Is Love - Barlow/Williams

Part 7: Out of Reach

Chapter Summary:

Robbie confides in Mark, but what will be Mark's reaction? AND will he finally confess to Gary? (See the end of the chapter for author notes.)

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Four days Robbie had been withholding sex. For what reason, Gary still knew not, and Robbie seemed so closed up about it, acting like nothing was wrong, that Gary had all but given up on trying to get any sense out of him about it. All he wanted was to be intimate with his boyfriend, but after the naked kitchen incident, Gary had now firmly rejected Howard's advice of spicing things up; he couldn't take the embarrassment again, and he certainly didn't think he'd be able to ever look Robbie's mum in the eyes again, that was for sure!

Little did Gary know, Robbie was struggling with the exact same urges.

Robbie was tired; tired of thinking, tired of feeling like shit, tired of fending off advances from his own boyfriend, and really tired of having to deal with his own yearnings and horniness for Gary's body. He wanted him so much, and it was agony having to say no, all the time. He'd fortunately been able to get a quick appointment at the clinic but after the humiliation of feeling like some stupid 17 year old being given a leaflet on safe sex, he was then told he'd need to wait up to four days for the results, and to avoid all sexual activity until he'd got the all clear. Thank god for the Hippocratic Oath, was all he could say at that point!

Apart from the lack of sex, things were otherwise okay between the lads, the dogs were back at home, and for Robbie, they were a great distraction from revisiting the torment burning inside him. Gary was busy working from the home studio, while Robbie set up meetings with his creative team in the accompanying study. They actually found a comfortable compromise in no time, working during the day before spending the afternoon together, or any spare 10 minutes they could.

But still no sex.

Robbie called the clinic, but still his results weren't in, and it made him nervous. 'What if they actually found something?', he frantically thought to himself, what would he tell Gary then?! The guilt plagued his mind, bringing tortuous thoughts, preventing sleep. The sad thing was, it would strike Robbie most, just when Gary was being his most attentive towards him. Every time Gary tried to show him love, it caused Robbie to inwardly struggle between just wanting to forget everything to appreciate Gary's tenderness, and needing an escape route out of his emotions. Suddenly, he'd be feeling too much, overwhelmed, and he'd feel trapped - imprisoned in his own guilt; where Gary's very affection felt like torture to him! He hated himself for consequently pushing Gary away, for pretending all the time, and for making Gary possibly think he was at fault somehow. It all placed them in a perpetual cycle of hurt, for them both, and Robbie, for one, wasn't sure how much more either of them could take.

The morning of the 5th day since he'd had himself tested for sexual transmitted infections, Robbie had a bad feeling inside him - he was almost sure he'd caught something now, and that mere thought, out of simple protection, caused him to shrink away from Gary's every touch. Gary was hurt by being pushed away YET again - it confused him no end, and he'd had enough; he needed some time out of the house, and away from their situation. Eliot was back from NYC, and in London for a couple of days. The firm friends/writing partners needed a collaboration session on a new writing project, so Gary decided the timing was perfect, and left early that morning to meet Eliot, in London.

Robbie had waited all of 5 minutes after Gary's departure, before making the call. The timing of the call, being so early in the morning, together with his dejected and admittedly pathetic tone, was obviously enough to cause Mark to drive quickly over. When Robbie greeted him at the door, it was with a slumped, defeated form, and a simple, "Sit down, I'll get the coffee".