What Is Love - Barlow/Williams

Part 14: Us

Chapter Summary:

Things are not looking good for their relationship right now, can Robbie talk Gary around again? (See the end of the chapter for A/N)

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I can't do this

The four simple words hang in the air, and as if on a continuous loop, it was all Robbie could hear in his head.

He starred into his boyfriend's eyes, trying to read the meaning on Gary's face. Then the realisation behind those words hit him like a tonne of bricks.

All he could do was shake his head in denial, but his panicky thoughts went into overdrive, 'No, this was not happening!'. He could feel his chest tighten as his heart beat started pounding hard against his ribs. His limbs began to involuntarily shake, as adrenaline ran through his veins, trying to fight against all his fears that threatened to become reality. It suddenly didn't fill like he was in even in his own body, it felt like this was all happening to someone else, it couldn't be real. Gary's words continued to hammer in his mind yet still he refused to believe it, 'he can't mean that, he can't do this!' his thoughts ran frantically, but he did not dare to voice his thoughts, not daring to confirm them.

"Rob –" Gary tentatively started after some moment's silence. His voice quiet and well considered. But Robbie was already back on his feet, meeting Gary and grabbing him by the elbows.

"NO Gaz! Don't do this! I beg you" in contrast to Gary's tone, Robbie's was shrill and frantic, as he continued pelting into panic overdrive. But Gary could only look sadly upon him, shaking his head, "I love you but –"

"I love you too!"

"BUT...I can't get over this Rob, I'm sorry"

Gary shook himself free from Robbie's touch. Robbie felt instantly sick.

"No, Gaz – please! I beg you please, don't do this! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" He yelled out of fear, as he felt the fresh sting of tears in his red eyes. But Gary's only remained sad, "I need some space, I need some time away from you, away from this", he evenly said, while waving a hand in the direction of the remains that day's newspaper. It currently sat in a dishevelled pile on the coffee table, while the actual pages with the story had already been torn out and destroyed by Robbie earlier on.

The tears in Robbie's eyes grew larger, clouding his vision, "No Gaz, please – we can get over this, I know we can!" He cried with an emotional shudder, heaving tight breathes as his hysteria grew.

"I thought so too, but not now".

"Why not?! Things were going so well between us, last night was amazing!"

"I know, I thought so too, but then today with the papers – for Christ's sake Rob everyone knows now!"

Robbie furrowed his eyebrows, and scowled at Gary "So because it's now in the papers – that's what you care about?!" He accused, with a sting of bitterness in his voice. Gary couldn't miss the air of disbelief on Robbie's accusatory face, and immediately pursed his lips, defensively, furrowing his own brows in response, "Don't you dare spin this around on me Rob, it's not that at all - it's the constant reminder! And it won't go away, not ever!" He retorted with a stern tone - his voice becoming uneven for the first time.

Robbie sighed.

"But it will! In time, you just have to give it t–"

"No Rob, don't you see? Now it's out there, that's it – it'll always be there, and the papers won't let me forget it, not ever – they'll bring it up every time! And I just can't deal with that Rob. I can't keep being reminded of what you did to us!" His voice cracked. And finally Robbie began to see the emotion Gary was hiding. He could hear the evident distress in Gary's voice, and the unyielding wall behind the older man's eyes was beginning to crack, and Robbie could see the pain swimming in them.

But Robbie couldn't give up, he wouldn't. He moved closer to Gary once more, trying to pull him back to him.

"But if we just try,' he started, as calm as he could, "We'll get through this together – they'll get bored eventually, especially if they see it's not affecting us, I know they will! Please Gaz, just give it some time, please!" He begged, his voice now hoarse under the strain of the emotion.

Gary's eyes now swelled with tears, enough to match Robbie's.

"I can't Rob!" He cried, shaking his head, "I need space, I'm sorry. I just can't be here with you. Howard was right, I should've taken some time to figure this out, it was too soon coming back here, trying to act, trying to pretend we were moving on from it!" He heaved a heavy sigh and finally took a step towards Robbie's sad figure and continued with a sad gentleness, "It was just all pretend Rob, don't you see?! And I honestly thought I was strong enough to deal with all this...but I'm not Rob – I'm sorry I'm just not!"

Robbie looked deep into Gary's eyes, they both stood so close now and finally they were both crying. He grabbed Gary to him, squeezing him into his chest, wanting to console and comfort him but also needing to keep him there with him, refusing to let him free.

"No, you're the strongest man I know Gaz," he quietly comforted between heaving breaths, leaving butterfly kisses along the shorted man's hairline, "you're so much stronger than me. You can do this, you still love me – you said so yourself, so please don't give up on me, on us, please!!!" He softly but so desperately cried.

Gary let himself melt once more in Robbie's arm, melt as he always did. He felt so safe in Robbie's arms, so loved. His heart wished he could just stay in them forever, just as his heart wanted to believe Robbie's words. But his head knew it was all merely make-believe and to stay here in Robbie's arms would only lead to more heart ache, again and again. His heart was already broken, he couldn't take anymore. He slowly inhaled Robbie's scent before releasing a heavy sigh, and untangling himself from Robbie. He stepped slightly away from the taller man, both were still compromised with tears.

When Gary finally spoke it was filled with pity for them both, "Oh Rob...don't you see?! It can never be as it was, I wish it could, I hoped it could, and I honestly thought we could make it, but every time I look at you I'm reminded of what you did – how you kissed someone else, wanted someone else, fucked someone else! It's in my head constantly; you chose someone else over me, chose to cheat on me. I can't not picture it; seeing your face as you fucked them, likely the same face you use when you make love to me, and I can't deal with that. I thought what we had was the most special relationship I'd ever had, and I thought it was forever. But now I realise it isn't, because it was obviously never special enough for you not to cheat on us, and knowing that kills me, it kills me a little more each day. I thought in time I'd be strong enough to get over it, because I didn't want to lose you, but all THIS in the papers, it's just proves there is no getting over it Rob...because I just can't, not when I'm here reminded of what you did every time I look at you".

Robbie sobbed uncontrollably, he already knew this was goodbye.

"Gaz – you...you a-are the M...MOST SPECIAL, MOST PRECIOUS PERSON IN MY L-LIFE!"

"So your words say Rob, but your actions something else". Gary sadly said.

"Pleaaase don't d-do this Gaz, I beg you, please!"

Gary shook his head. His mind was made up.

Robbie stood in silent shock, tears flowing, matching those in Gary's eyes, freely falling down his face. He knew he looked a desperate mess but he didn't care, he now felt nothing but his heart being teared in two and it was the most immense pain he could ever imagine.

"I love you Rob, but I just can't be with you, not now."

Robbie had no more words, he wasn't even sure his voice would work even if he did. Gary understood why.

"I'm sorry Rob – it's over".

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Author Notes:

A short chapter I know, it's just a small update. But what will happen now?! ...There's soooooo much more to come!

Thanks for reading & commenting, it means so much xx