What Is Love - Barlow/Williams

Part 16: It's Complicated

Chapter Summary:

The last chapter was all from Robbie's PoV, and so it's only fair that this one is from Gary's PoV. The lads meet for the first time since the break up. Enjoy! (See the end of the chapter for author notes)

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[May 25th]

Having already texted Rob (which took me approximately 20 minutes to word then pause on before sending), I've now been sat here perusing a letter I've been writing for the last hour. A letter for Robbie that I've planned to sneak in with the Dogs' toys bag. I've been so close to scrunching the paper up and just chucking it in the bin, in fact been close to that about 20 times already.

I'm just so torn...

I miss him so much, in fact I miss him more every day; because every day I wake up, and for a split second or two I forget he's not lying beside me, I even forget what he did, and it is bliss. It's bliss for about 2 seconds. But then I remember; I remember why I'm in a bed alone, I remember what he did, and I can't help but still picture it all in my head, him with some man-whore in a dirty hotel room, and it makes me sick to the stomach, in fact it makes me hate him!

But then the hate eventually passes and the image fades, and all that's left is my love for him, and I just miss him, I miss him so much. I want to call him, to talk to him, but I can't. Every time I pick up the phone to call, I stop myself – but is it the hurt that stops me, and the unwillingness to forgive, or is it pride and stubbornness that keeps me from calling, I just don't know anymore.

I check the letter once more, it basically explains how I think we should equally share custody of the dogs, but it seems so sterile and formal; yet there is something I've been thinking of adding – I'm going out the country, and I hope that gives me time to think on this all, but I think I want to see Robbie, I want to talk to him. I hope he does too.

Finally reaching a decision, I eventually add:

"I'm out of the country until 6th June, but I've spoken to the lads about setting up a band meeting to lay out some plans thereafter. I'm thinking maybe when I get back, you and I can talk before this, just to have a chat; I don't want the lads to feel awkward around us when we do all meet up. We've been through so much Rob, let's just get on with it, I don't want to be a stranger to you, not ever."

I haven't actually spoken to the lads at all, but I needed an excuse, and so if he agrees to it, I suppose I better actually set up a band meeting!

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[June 2nd]

I received a message from Robbie today. He'd seen the note. He thought it was a great idea to have a chat, which is a relief. It was a simple message, and I honestly don't know what to make of it – I can't tell if he's ok, distressed or angry at me for ending it. The stupid thing is, he said the dogs missed me, and I accidently misread that at first and thought he'd said HE missed me, and in my haste I went to reply: 'I miss you too' – thankfully I reread it, and instead replied that I missed THEM too (meaning the dogs) – thus evading a very awkward and embarrassing situation!

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[June 7th]

Work was great! I find getting my head stuck into work is the best way to forget about all the other troubles in my life – I can literally escape into my world! It's brilliant! Plus, the time away was just what I needed, and in some ways I wish I had done that to begin with. I should've just stayed at Dougie's in the first place like he said, and then left for a bit. Things might've been so much different now. Speaking of Howard, he called me shortly after I landed – said he'd heard I was going around to see Robbie which he said was a great start but to take it slowly. He also said he was surprised to hear it was primarily due to the band, as it was news to him that the band were even meeting up soon (yep, I'd forgotten to set that up with the other lads) but seemed glad and eager for it – he hates being bored does Dougie!