Help me find a way to breathe [Oli Sykes FF]

Chapter 18

Well hello there! I know you're probably going to hate me after this chapter <.< or you already hate me since chapter 16 lol idk I'm sorry ;w;

Song for this chapter is We Are Broken - Paramore and the gif on the side is Oli from the Blessed With A Curse video. I don't really have anything to say so I guess, please enjoy the chapter! I'm sorry it turned out rather short

TRIGGER WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS SELFHARM. PLEASE UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME AND THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS TALK TO ME IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN! YOU'RE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS SO DON'T HURT YOURSELF, I BEG YOU. BE SAFE, I LOVE YOU!

Don't forget to vote and comment <3

Oliver's POV:

I have no idea how I even got here to be honest. But there I was, back in Sheffield, in front of my house. With a sigh I grabbed my keys and opened the door, dead silence greeting me. "Welcome home, Oli", I sighed to myself as I closed the door behind me again. I didn't really feel like unpacking or basically doing anything so I just dropped my bags on the ground, heading my way upstairs.

My movements seemed to be controlled like I was a ghost or a puppet and so my feet dragged me towards the bedroom. When I opened the door though, reality hit me like a punch. Although no one could've made a mess or anything in the last few weeks, the room was as tidy as ever. Almost too tidy, if you asked me.

I automatically walked up to the wardrobe and opened it. As I figured I only found my clothes. Cassie's were nowhere to be found.

She packed her things and just fucking left. Her clothes, her books and magazines, everything. Everything that belonged to her was gone. Just like her. And with her just leaving, I felt like something inside me was missing as well. I couldn't right tell what it was.

I just felt numb and empty. Like there was no point in anything. And even though I just wanted to burst out in tears or punch the wall, basically do anything, I again just stood there. Why? Because I didn't see the point in letting out my anger and frustration.

I didn't really feel them so I figured if I broke down, I'd had to admit that Cassie left me and nothing I ever do will bring her back to me.

But as this thought popped up in my head, everything sunk in at once. It all crashed down on me.

It was over.

I would never see Cassandra again. Her beautiful eyes or her gorgeous smile, I'd never see them again. I'd never hear her angelic voice or her cute giggle nor would I ver be able to hold her hand, wrap my arms around her or kiss her ever again. Never.

And not only that, I had no idea how she was. How the baby was. Maybe she already had an abortion? Fuck, would she actually kill her own child.. my child, our child? She wouldn't, would she?

I didn't even notice it but a tear made it's way down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away though before I quickly grabbed my phone. I didn't even try to call her or text her yesterday because I thought it would be useless. But I didn't care about that anymore, I had to try it. I needed to talk to her. I typed in her number and gave her a call, my heart racing as I waited for her to pick up.

The number you have dialled is no longer in use. Check the number and dial again or consult directory enquiries. The number you have dialled is no longer in use. Check the nu-

As quickly as my heart was beating it seemed to stop immediately. I hung up, cutting off the voice. I tried everything! Twitter, kik, instagram but she deleted and blocked me everywhere. "Fuck!", I shouted into the silence, throwing my mobile phone against the wall.

That's when I noticed a piece of paper on my pillow. I walked up to the bed and picked it up with shaky hands as I recognized Cassie's handwriting. A small sigh escaped my lips and I closed my eyes for a second before I skimmed through the lines.

I'm sorry, Oliver. I really am. I never meant to hurt you and that is exactly why this had to be done. After I came home, I packed my things, went to the abortion and as you probably already figured left. But living like this just wouldn't of made me happy. And the same goes for you too, trust me. I don't want such a life. Especially because it's the kind where I'm only going to disappoint you. Believe me, it's better that way. So please don't try to contact me, it won't work. It would only make things even more complicated.

You were right. We've been through a lot. Great stuff, horrible things, simply everything. And I don't regret a single second of it. Thank you for everything, Oli. Remember that you'll always have a place in my heart.

xo Cassandra

Was she being serious? Anger and hatred overwhelmed my sadness and agony. Was she being bloody serious?! Sorry my ass. That fucking bitch broke up with me for nothing, murdered our unborn baby and she was actually thinking a sorry, I'll never see you again, farwell would do?! Fucking whore.

Without thinking twice about it, I ripped the paper in dozens of pieces and finally clenched my fist only to punch the wall next to me. The pain washed through my knuckles but I couldn't care less. As I looked at my hand, I could see my knuckles bleeding already. But the pain made me feel alive again.

Look what this woman made out of me. She turned me into a monster.

I thought I'd never have to deal with this bullshit again but right now I just felt the urge to slit my wrists open so I'd never have to feel anything ever again.

So I rushed into the bathroom, rifling through everything, the shelfs and cupboards until I finally found what I searched for. A simple razor. I used the edge of the sink to break it as it revealed it's shiny blades. I just grabbed one and rolled up the sleeve of my crewneck before running the cold piece of metal across my skin and the old fading scars over and over again.

But I wasn't really satisfied since I almost felt nothing. So I added more pressure to the blade, cutting deeper into my skin as I finally felt the familiar sting. The warm blood was flowing over my cold skin and just the look of it calmed me down. 

I dropped the blade to the ground the sound bringing me back to earth. With a small sigh I quickly washed the blood away and pressed a towel against the fresh cuts in an attempt to stop the bleeding. The fuck was I doing? Was I really that weak?

What have I become?