Help me find a way to breathe [Oli Sykes FF]

Chapter 27

Hey guys, you probably want to murder me for the last chapters haha xD Well I don't know what you'll think about this one, I'm sorry to put you through so much pain asdfghjkl

Dedicated to @LetsKeepItASecret13 this time c: The song for this chapter is New Way To Bleed - Evanescence. This song has a special meaning to me.. I get really emotional whenever I listen to Evanescence ._.

This is so short omfg, I'm so sorry but ugh.. UGH >.< I don't know, I feel untalented. I'm too stupid to write anything at the moment but I just have to do something to get my mind off of all the stress.

I've got a question for you guys. I don't know why but somehow it's hard to communicate with you via wattpad. I'm clearly not satisfied with that, I'd just love to interact with you guys more. So I thought about creating a Facebook page but I wanted to ask you what you'd think about that. It would obviously make no sense at all if I created a page for that stuff when you're not even going to check it out, you know what I mean? Just tell me what you think about this idea. I also thought about doing it on Twitter but I'm not that active on twitter and I'd prefer it to actually chat with you guys, so for me Twitter is not really an option. And I don't have KIK sadly so yeah...

Cassandra's POV:

I pretended to sleep, because I couldn't get the voices in my head to shut up. So I snuggled against his bare chest, closed my eyes and waited. I had no idea what for. Maybe I waited for the time to stop, maybe I waited for it to turn back. Back to the time before everything crashed down. But I knew better that I couldn't ever escape this vicious cycle.

My eyes wandered from the tattooed chest, which slightly lifted when he breathed in and out, to his face as I admired the sight I know I have missed for way too long. He looked so calm, almost happy you could say. Shouldn't I be too? I didn't know what to think. It was obvious I missed Oliver. But I had Ben. Now regardless what my true feelings for Ben were, he sure as hell didn't deserve his girlfriend cheating on him. And the most important thing is: Oliver didn't deserve this. It was clearly a mistake, we shouldn't have done this. Jordan even warned me about not getting his hopes up high.

He came so far, he went through a rough time and it was my fault. All I wanted was him to be happy, I didn't want him to think about what I did to him all the time. And look what I have done. I did quite the opposite.

Oli and I can't get back together, right? It would never be the same, no matter how hard we would try. I wasn't good enough for him, he deserved better. I loved this man more than I could ever love anyone or anything in the entire world. But I couldn't have him, I wasn't allowed to reach him. It would be simply wrong. I would hurt him again.

With only my fingertips I carefuly stroked his cheek and jawline, making sure not to wake him up. His skin was soft and warm. It reminded me of how he tried to kill himself and it made me wonder how cold his skin must've been then. Cold, fragil. No, already broken. I broke him. And the last person who could fix his wounds was me. "I'm sorry, Oliver... I'm so sorry. I love you. I love you so much", I whispered sniffling while wiping away some tears.

"I'm so sorry", I muttered beneath a shaky breath.

Slowly I wiggled myself free from his grip before I got up and quickly collected my clothes. I dressed myself and ran a hand through my hair. It was still in the middle of the night and the others weren't back yet. I kneeled down to the floor and picked up Oli's clothes as well before I folded them to lay them in his bunk. A crooked smile laced on my lips when I remembered that I used to do this almost every day.

The smile faded though as something fell out of his jeans pockets. When I realized what the shiny object was, I freezed. "Cass?", I heard the familiar raspy morning voice behind me and I slightly jumped.

"What is that?", he yawned and rubbed his face realy quick in an attempt to get rid of his tiredness. "I'm supposed to ask that, don't you think?", I muttered and turned around to him, showing him the blade. There was even a bit dried blood on it. I could see his jaw clench as he desperately tried to find an excuse. He looked to the ground in order to avoid my eyes. His glance wandered over the floor and finally stopped at his folded clothes.

"Were you planning on leaving?", he asked obviously trying to keep calm. I winced, biting my lower lip. "Don't change the topic, Oliver! Why do you keep a fucking blade in your pocket? I thought you-", I snapped but he cut me off. "Were you planning on leaving?", he repeated his question but instead of asking it almost inaudible and calm, he yelled at me.

I didn't know how to answer. I knew nothing I'd say would sound logic. Of course I was going to leave. Again. This time it was me who avoided the other's eyes as I turned my head to the side.

"I see...", Oliver mumbled and got up. He got changed and simply walked past me. I quickly got up and turned around. "Where are you going?", I asked him and he stopped at the door. "None of your business", he shrugged and walked off the bus.

I wanted to follow him but I figured it would be no use. He wouldn't listen to me, he wouldn't want to see me. I did it again. I hurt the person I loved the most. I'm so stupid.

What have I done?