Help me find a way to breathe [Oli Sykes FF]

Chapter 30

First of all, I know the last few chapters were really depressing and all but don't worry okay? This still is a fanfiction about Oli so without giving any spoilers: It's gonna be alright, calm down haha <3 Sorry this chapter sucks idk I just wanted this whole drama to be over, I was fed up with it too ._. I hope I didn't rush it too much!

Song for this chapter is The Hardest Part Is Forgetting Those You Swore You Would Never Forget - Being As An Ocean. I really love BAAO omg *-* also, this chapter is dedicated to @lo_olaa for sending me those sweet messages that managed to cheer me up. Thanks for being there for me when I needed someone to listen <3

Cassandra's POV:

"You were the one who just left, you were the one who made my life pointless, I didn't ask for that if you know what I'm saying. So why care now? You weren't when I needed you to. You are the last person to tell me what to do, Cassandra", Oliver hissed at me. All I could see in his eyes was hate that replaced the usual sadness and emptiness. It made me wince slightly, not because I was surprised, just because the tone of his words rang in my ears.

"You said you weren't mad at me", I breathed trying my best to look into his eys as I searched the man I loved.

This wasn't him. It clearly wasn't. I was the last one to blaim him for getting mad at me, after everything I've done. Never once in our relationship, never once back when we were best friends he held such anger against me. And although I expected him to hate me to the guts, I would have never guessed to see him getting this mad at me.

I could see him clenching his jawline. His grip tightened as he slightly clenched his fists and dug his fingers into my wrists which he had pinned above my head. "I'M NOT", he yelled at me. It was the first time he screamed at me. The very first time and I knew this guy for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't stand it. My eyes wandered down to the ground, trying to avoid his piercing look. After a few seconds he seemed to calm down as he let go off me. "I'm not mad at you, okay?" It was a lie. "Bloody hell, all I want is to be alone, why can't anybody understand?! I don't want your help or a stupid therapy, I don't want to change! You can't tell me what to do. Just leave me the fuck alone", he added with a sigh after he had calmed down a bit.

I shook my head and looked up to him again. "You can't leave, Oli..", I mumbled softly, hoping my voice would reach his understand. But I could see his body tensing up again. "Yes, I can!", he groaned raising his voice with each word. "I'm sick of this, Cass! Of you pushing me around all the fucking time. It's none of your business. You just keep playing with me and I can't cope with that anymore!", he continued to shout at me each of his words hitting me like a knife would stab me in the back.

"That's not even true, Oli! I'm just worried, okay?! The band needs you and you need the band", I whined. All I wanted to do is help him. Or at least try to. Make him get help. Oli shook his head and I could already feel the tears dwelling up in my eyes. "That wasn't what I was talking about", he said.

I already knew what he meant.

But I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear it from his mouth, with his voice. I didn't want him to say what I've been trying to avoid to hear from him all those years. "It's about us. You think you can fuck around with my feelings but I'm fed up with your bullshit", he snapped. I bit my tongue but managed to get my voice back. "I don't get-", I tried to say but he interrupted me.

"GUESS WHAT I DON'T GET IT TOO! I HAVE NO BLOODYCLUE WHY AFTER EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE I STIL LOVE YOU AND STILL HOOKED UP WITH A FUCKING WHORE LIKE YOU!", he shouted. Even louder than before. I didn't know what to add to that and just stared at him in complete disbelief. When I heard the door close, I jumped slighty. "Did I miss something?"

Oliver turned around and I looked over his shoulder only to see Benjamin, leaning against the door his arms crossed in front of his chest. It was too much, all of this was too much. I opened my mouth but didn't even get the chance to say a word. I wouldn't have known what to reply anyways.

"You heard me, Ben. Last night right before you had to go 'look after me' your girlfriend cheated on you. Now guess who is the lucky guy", Oliver spat. "I'm fucking done of pretending it's fine, I'm fucking done with everything and all of you", he added, walking past me and disappearing in the bunk rooms. He slammed the door shut, causing me to wince once more.

Although I didn't dare to look up, I felt Ben's eyes on me. "Ben-", I started but again was cut off. "I think it's better if we break up", he said surprisingly calm. I looked up to him slowly and expected him to be shocked or mad or anything. But he just looked at me with soft eyes as if he understood everything. "I knew something was up and I kind of figured what was going on", he muttered. His words so similar to Oli's. But in the end he only pretended to not be angry although he probably hates me more than anything else.

"I'm sorry", I whispered and Ben just nodded. "I know. I am too", he sighed and walked to the bathroom not even glancing at me just once. And there I stood completely dumbfounded. And I deserved it. I put everyone through hell. Everything I did and said was wrong. But there was one thing I needed to know. I wiped away some of the tears but they kept coming anyways so I just gave up.

I turned around and didn't even hesitate when I walked to the door to the bunks room. I opened the door. Oli didn't even look up at me as he just sat on his bunk. His elbows rested on his knees and he burried his face into his hands. "I told you to leave me alone", he muttered. His hair was a mess as if he ran his hands through it repetitively. His voice was shaky and small and I knew he had been crying. I walked up to him.

"I know you don't want to see me right now.. I-" I took a deep breath before I knelt down in front of me. "Give me three minutes and I'll be gone. Forever. I'll leave tour and you'll never hear a word from me ever again. I always wanted to avoid this, Oli. So tomorrow I'll leave. I'm going back to America", I whispered calmly.

Finally he put his hands away and looked at me. His eyes were puffy and red, a sight that made my stomach sink in. "I'm sorry", he muttered and chewed on his bottom lip, tears shining in his eyes again. I shook my head and carefully snaked my arms around his neck. "No, I am sorry, Oliver. For everything", I muttered, leaning against him.

He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me closer, almost smothering me as he burried his face in the crook of my neck. For a long time we just stayed like this as if the time stood still. And I wished it would never end. "Oli? I need you to be honest with me", I muttered, breaking free from his grip to look him right into the eyes. "You told me you weren't mad at me and that you don't hate me but let's be honest, okay? Don't lie to me and more important, don't lie to yourself, please", I said, redrawing his jawline up to the back of his hear with my finger, a thing I always used to do.

"But I don't hate you", Oliver sighed. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it slightly. "I told you I could never hate you. And I'm not angry at you", he added. When I wanted to reply something he cut me off. "No, Cass. I'm talking now. I don't hate you. The thing is that I love you and that's the problem. I just hate the fact that I can't change anything about that. I love you and I know I'm not good enough for you. That's the only thing I hate and the only one I'm mad at is myself for being so stupid", he sighed his eyes fixed on some point behind my shoulder.

I bit my lower lip. "Who says you can't have me back?", I whispered. He gave me a confused look. "Y- you did", he said raising an eyebrow. "Okay, what I am about to say now is really stupid but I just want a simple reply", I mumbled.

"Tell me you don't want to ever see me again and I'll leave", I said. "Or we'll start from zero and I will stay. We could.. stay friends if you want to or-", I added but I was cut off by his lips. They pressed against mine, fitting perfectly fine. I returned the favor, pulling him closer, his lips soft and hungry for mine. "What if I want to be more than friends? Would you still give me that opportunity?", he whispered into the kiss and I felt his warm breath.

I gave him a surprised look that was soon replaced by a smirk on my lips. "Why not?", I chuckled softly.