Help me find a way to breathe [Oli Sykes FF]

Chapter 19

And again no fucking update in AGES my god, I'm so stupid I can't even- ugh I'm sorry ._. It's also very short and I don't knoooow. Meh, I have a question for you guys. Would you prefer Cassandra to date Alex Gaskarth or Ben Bruce? Good going giving spoiler, Reika, haha. But no, seriously, please comment below <3

Song for this chapter is When I'm Gone - Simple Plan and the gif on the side is just a random gif of Oli, idk lol xD Well! With that in matter, please enjoy the following chapter c:

WARNING! Please don't read this chapter if you could get affected by the discussion of selfharm or suicide attempts in any way. I want you guys to be safe, remember that I care about you. I love you so please, if you feel the need to talk to anyone, message me. Don't give up, I promise you are strong enough to survive this. You can win this battle, I believe in you. 

Oliver's POV:

It must've been days since I've been out. I wasn't too sure, I didn't bother counting the days. They just blended into each other and seemed to have no ending at all.

Even though the others probably tried to contact me, according from my mobile phone ringing every once in a while, I never picked up my phone or checked my messages. In fact, the phone was still lying on the ground from when I threw it against the wall the day I came back home.

The house was a fucking mess, especially the bathroom and the bedroom, where I mostly was. But why should I bother tidying up and cleaning? Why should I bother getting outside and do something productive? Why should I bother breathing?

You see, as messed up as the apartment was, so was I. I was fucked up, beyond that even. It's even worse than back in high school. I found my addiction towards selfharm again, feeling the urge to cut at least twice a day. But not only was I addicted to the feeling of warm blood running down my skin, I also was a wasted wreck almost every evening.

That one could soon develop to a problem though. In the past few days I finished around 5 bottles of whatever liquid I could find but I figured it wouldn't last too long. Just like the food. The fridge was basically empty. Although I didn't eat that much. Almost nothing to be honest. About that I couldn't care less anyways. If it was for me, I could just starve myself to death. It wasn't like I felt hungry anyways, I felt nothing.

My life was just an everlasting routine that I couldn't escape from. I was prisoned, locked in and I had nowhere to run, noone to talk to. I knew the guys would listen to me but I didn't want them to. I didn't feel like talking, they'd only judge me anyways. I bet they'd say something like I took things way to serious and that I overreacted. Maybe that was true, but I didn't give a fuck about it.

They wouldn't understand me.

How should they if even I couldn't comprehend what was going on? Not that I was trying to, if I did, my thought's would probably kill me literally.

I just didn't get why Cassandra left all of the sudden. We could've talked everything through, like we always did. We always managed to find a way that would get us out of every problem, always. Why not this time? And more importantly, why was I sitting here, doing nothing but pitying myself and drowning myself in selfdestruction, hoping everything would just end?

Normally I would've tried to contact her, to meet her, talk to her. Yeah, I attempted to text her but that was a failure of course. I shouldn't of given up, I knew that. But I didn't know what to do anymore, I was lost. Completely lost.

With a small sigh I pulled the blankets from my body and got up from bed. Fuck it was even hard for me to just sit up and stand on my feet. With small and slow steps, I got downstairs to the kitchen and opened the fridge. As I figured there was no food to be found. However, I did find a nice bottle of Jack, which I grabbed without thinking twice.

I didn't even bother getting a glass or anything and just opened the bottle to drink straight from it. The liquor burned my already sore throat but it felt good to feel at least some sort of anything to proof me I was still a living human being.

After I finished at least half of the bottle, I put it back down on the table, immediately regretting the choice to drown my problems in alcohol. My stomach started hurting and it felt as if someone repetitively kicked me right in the guts. Don't ask me how, but all of the sudden the weakness in my legs seemed to be gone as I ran straight into the bathroom as fast as I could. I kneeled down in front of the toilet and threw up.

There's no need for me to describe how disgusting it was, so to cut it short: I threw up and flushed the toilet again. Told you. I was a fucking mess. A heavy sigh escaped my lips and I slowly tried to get up again. My legs were shaky and my vision blurry. I felt like I was going to pass out any second but after what felt like minutes of just standing there staring at the cupboard nothing happened.

My legs dragged me towards the sink only to open up the cupboard. I searched for my blades, knowing exactly I had put them there. But I found something even better. You see, just when I was about to grab the blades from the back of the cupboard, a cap fell on the ground, revealing dozens of pills. For a few seconds I just stood there, staring at the small white capsules.

Come on, Oli. Pull yourself together, you can't possibly do that!, a voice in my head screamed at me. But the message went in one ear out the other. Of course I could do it. What kept me here? Exactly, nothing. I might as well just end this misery. I picked up the pills from the ground, examining them carefully.

Fasczinating how just a few of those tiny pills mixed with a bit of alcohol could be the end of all of this. Without thinking about it, I went downstairs again, to the kitchen and grabbed the Jack Daniel's bottle. I put one of the pills in my mouth, swallowing it immediately. And after that one, many followed, washing them down with big swigs from the liquor. I tried counting but when I arrived at nine pills, my vision was even more blurry than before. I tried drinking a bit more from the whiskey but I couldn't even hold up the bottle anymore as it fell to the ground and shattered in hundrets of pieces. After the bottle, I fell to the ground to. My body collapsed to the ground and I somehow wasn't able to move the slightest bit.

This is it then, eh? No more pain, no more misery. Everything would just end.

My eyelids felt heavier and heavier with each second. I could hear my heart beating very loudly but also very very slowly. Eventually my eyes closed and the last thing I heard was a knocking sound on the door.

"Oli! Open up the fucking door!", I heard someone shout. I couldn't even tell who it was as everything went black at once.