twenty nine
Luke felt bad about everything. He felt bad about pushing Michael to open up when he didn't want to. He felt bad about feeling bad. He felt bad about wanting more from a boy who could not give more.
He picked up croissants on his way from his apartment to Michael's. Luke looked down at his feet as he listened to music rushing through his earbuds. It was a pretty good Sunday morning. The sun was shining, people were rushing around him in their own mindsets.
It was one of the first sunny days in New York in a few months and everyone was a little bit happier.
Luke got to Michael's complex, opening the door for a family coming out before going into the building himself. He smiled at the two kids buried deep in their light coats.
He was greeted with a hum of silence as he got up the stairs and to Michael's floor. He was used to the white walls and red carpet.
Everything was fine until Michael's door opened. Out came a full head of curls, Matty brushing his hair back before walking out. He walked right past Luke without a word, not even bothering to look up.
Luke stays staring at the [now] closed door of Michael's apartment. To put it simple, he's hurt. He can feel his face dropping, his heart dropping down to his gut. He licks over his lips, biting down on his chapped bottom one as he decides what to do next.
He knows he should go and talk it out with Michael, he knows that maybe it's one huge misunderstanding.
But, Luke believes that he knows Michael. Of course Michael would go sleep with someone else because Luke didn't.
Luke feels that every day of his life is just one big reminder that everyone is replaceable. Luke continues to get replaced, over and over and over again. Nothing is ever going to stay the same when all Luke wants is common.
He turns around, heading back out. He goes down the stairs and back into the New York air. This time around, he's one of the people in a rush.
Luke wants to be alone now. He knows that people will always leave but he will always have himself. He can't hurt himself.
He makes it to Central Park in record time, claiming a metal bench all to himself. He puts his breakfast next to him, taking out a croissant and nibbling on the ends.
He looks out at the only green space for 50 miles all ways. He sees parents and babies walking around, he sees old couples taking slow and steady steps around. Squirrels and pigeons and birds are trying to steal food before running off as fast as their little feet can take them.
Luke's kind of angry, he's kind of furious. He's hurt and that hurt turns into rage. He continues to bite into his croissant with pure anger as his eyes watch the commotion around him.
He wants a kid. He wishes that he had a kid. Kids would love him forever and ever. His kid would love him endlessly, right? He wouldn't be sitting in a park at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning if he had a kid.
He was so close to having a kid of his own before they lost it. That's one thing Luke isn't angry about. It happens, that's okay. He's angry his ex-wife cheated on him, he's upset that they never got their kid.
Luke's life isn't where he imagined it'd be.
Sure, he's second in command at a decent size practice. He was married, he almost had a kid. But, at 35-years-old, Luke wanted to be the head of a practice. He wanted to be married. He wanted to have a kid or a few.
He never imagined he'd be almost 40 years of age and still as miserable and alone as he was at 16.
Luke can pretend that having no friends growing up didn't bother him at all, but it did. He doesn't know how to be a friend, he doesn't know how to have a friend. He just wants to get married and be alone together.
He stands up half an hour later, ready to go home and go back to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better, he hopes.
He looks at the other croissant wrapped nicely in a box. Luke looks around.
The blonde takes a few steps towards an older man sitting alone with the pigeons. He offers it to him, liking the smile that rises on his face.
Luke hopes that that old man is happy, he hopes that he made that man's day a little better.
Because his own day sucks.
mayb it's not what u think
