Thoughts...

Loneliness

My greatest fear would be loneliness because the feeling of being alone is awful. It's like no one likes you and you aren't worth the time to spend. This all starts at Gallego Elementary. I didn't have any friends because I was shy. When you are shy you have a fear that you won't be accepted into another person's life and that you will just embarrass yourself. It was awful between kindergarten to 2nd grade because I had no one and I didn't expect to have anyone. It got so bad that I memorize the outline pattern of the playground because I wouldn't be anywhere else to be. The fields were meant for the groups of girls that wanted to have alone time and the basketball court was for the cool kids. The playset was for the babies or kids at heart. I was the kid that balanced on the beamers and the beamers led to a gate which then I thought I have to be silent because I can't be caught or getting noticed. If you know the school, you would know that the road goes into the playground to basketball court. I remember having bloody knees everyday and I would always have a routine. I would lift up my pants and run in the huge crowd which then no one sees me and I trip. I then get up quickly because if you fall down in a large group you would get noticed. So I run to the sides and pat dirt on it so it would stop the bleeding. Then I would casually pull the pants down and stand at the end of the line to go inside. I would love to go in the classroom because I would be placed in a group or partnered up with someone and they would be forced to talk to me. I wasn't always lonely. I had two friends that were boys in a sun class and a group of girls at RECC. One fateful day they call kids into a office room when they then tell us that we can be the first sun class at Liberty Elementary. This was a huge deal for me because this is the moment I get to reinvent myself. I would stop being the lonely kid on the sidelines. I had to make a decision to either be shy and lonely or loud and friendly and let me say I was not shy for long. I go to 3rd grade and I grow my hair long then start to act like a dumb blond. I cause attention to myself because that was how I got friends. I pretended to trip or not know how to spell my name. I was not myself and the sad part is, it worked. I made friends but they weren't good relationships. I was overshadowing what the person did with loneliness. If the person lied to me, I would forgive them because I had a fear of loneliness. I would rather be with someone that treats me like shit then to be lonely. The relationship was built on lies and it was sooner or later it would crash and burn. This is why I have trust-issues because every time I give someone trust they abuse it. I lie to myself, I am lying to them, and they are lying to me. So 5th grade ends and I go to Lauffer. This was the time that I find out who my true friends are because I started being myself and I get good grades. I was smart and I liked getting the attention for being smart. I was remembered as a smart, strong girl but I was not famous like I was in 5th. You know that feeling when you are walked down the hallway alone and your friend goes up to you and is like hey. Yes, well I have never felt that because I was always alone. All the friends that I had in 5th grade have gone their separate ways because of the schedule change. So 7th grade the year I start thinking about everything. Why are we here? Is my friendships going to last? Are they lying to me? What did I do wrong? Am I a follower? Thinking about all of this makes me feel alone. People have the nerve to say they are lonely but really they have had boyfriends, best friends, and is overall popular. The only time you don't want a person to talk to you is when you don't want them to. When you are looking sad people go over to you and ask what it is wrong. I have pouted and acted sad but clearly no one notices. When you see someone that is sad go to them and ask what is wrong and if they don't want to tell you they want someone else to ask. Go tell someone and if they say no if she doesn't want to talk then I won't ask her. Ask her!