Thoughts...

I can't do it.

I thought I could do it.
I thought I would be the best.
I thought a lot.
I can't do it.
It's hard.
I can do it... I say but now... now that I see what I have to do... how can I do it.
I have been trying to juggle three different things in my life.
Basketball.
Band.
And teen court.
They all are taking their toll.
Basketball with its strain on my body.
Band with the strain on my mind.
Then teen court with the strain of my heart. 
Basketball is aggressive and that's what I thought my specialty was... to be aggressive. But after today I know I am not the most aggressive so what's my point on being here. It's not like they want me or choose me to be on the team. I just showed up and was like I can play... I can't. I am not good enough. They all are better than me by a long shot. They can dribble, shoot, be aggressive, and hell they can have the right footwork to do a god damn layup. I am not good enough. We all are the same age but stil they have chemistry, trust, and skills that I don't have. They dont want me on the team... I can tell... I never get the ball, I am not invited to things, and they look like an actual team. I saw a picture of them all together and you can see a team and then I show up and fuck it all up. I shouldn't be on the team. I am useless to the team... what do I got going for me... my aggressiveness... cause clearly everyone else got that so I am no special.
Band... hell this is just bad. I am doing something really put of my comfort zone... well everything I have been doing is out of my comfort zone. I am playing bass drum 2 which is almost the lead on the bass drums... I can't do it. My hands are not cooperating and I just fuck up the song. Instead of the teacher teaching the whole room how to play the peice... he's here teaching me how to stick properly. I am the ONLY freshman... the new meat as they say. They all are older than me and  a lot more experienced. The only thing that's making us like is that we don't know the music... the teacher made it difficult so that the upperclassmen don't get bored. Imagine how the new freshman feels when she sees this music and is like wtf. It's extremely difficult. I can't even practice it because I don't even know what's going on with it. Plus I am a visual learner so handing me something is like play it. I can't I have to review it and hear it a couple of times before I can even play it. I can't do it. How do I expect to get bass drum 2 or any number is I don't even know what's going on. On the other side of things... They have the front assemble which is all of the xylophone, triangle, bells, and all the extra stuff that makes the band better. I know I can play those cause like that's all I did in middle school. I never did snare or drum set or even bass that much cause it's confusing as hell. I am torn between going the easy route and just play bells or actually challenge myself and play bass. I choose bass. I don't think I will improve the band at all. I think I'll just make it worse. But what do I got to loose.
Ahhh... and last but not least teen court. I have had the dream to be a lawyer all my life. I thought since I am just a great arguer that it would be easy. It's not. Especially when you are the youngest out of all of them. You get lost with words cause they have 2 or 4 years a head of you and know how to word things properly. I went on the stand and I froze. I couldn't speak. I practiced this a lot but once I was up there I lost it. I got stage fright and I don't get nervous and weird but I did right there and the teacher even called me out for it. This hurt me tremendously cause I thought this would be my calling... the only thing I would follow up with as a career. I can't do it. I suck. The only thing that is the same about the older students and I... is that we all want to be come teen attornies and this is our first year. So they are just as new at this as me. So I guess that is good.
I just feel like I can't do anything that I signed up for. I am either to inexperienced, or just simply too young. I thought I would be able to handle it. I did this for just the bragging right of saying that I have a lot going on and I still keep my life together. Slowly it's all falling apart. Maybe. Just maybe I'll feel better about this but it will just take time. I don't have enough time. Summer is almost over and all of these things have tests... whether it's a written one, a game, or a concert. It's down to the wire and I don't know if I can step up.
I can always think that all these people are better than me cause they got nothing else going on so they have time to practice, play, or layout. I don't have that time. If i do then I spend it on my phone cause that's the only source of happiness I am getting now a days. I just want things to go back. I want to reset the clock. I just want more time. I am going to be a new kid again in high school. I am the new kid in all of the other activities and now I just got to add another one to it. SCHOOL. Great. Why not. I am tired, worn out, and hurt. I don't like being the new kid and being looked down upon like I am stupid. People already thing I am stupid with my blond hair and now this just proves that I am. I want to prove people wrong but I just can't.
I can't.
I can't do it.