A Little Unsteady (A Grey's Anatomy Story)

I need to leave

** 1 month later **

I cant't believe my first month of residency is up already! It felt so much better not being the underdog. Next year we will take on our own group of intern, which is both super scary and exciting. I haven't seen Alex since the incident. I kept well away from the peads floor and I was taken off his service.

"Morning Dr Quinn" I heard a familiar voice wake me from my thoughts

"Oh Hey Andrew" I smiled as Dr DeLuca walked up beside me and placed a coffee in front of me on the nurses station

"Penny for your thoughts?" he smiled

"Is this for me?" I asked, surprised by his sweet gesture

"Thought you might need it. Its been a long day" he said softly

"Thank you so much" I smiled taking a sip as I felt the coffee warm my throat

This morning DeLuca and I scrubbed in on a neurosurgery with Derek Shepherd. 19 year old girl with a butterfly tumor. It was next to impossible for Derek to operate and her heart couldn't take the strain of the anesthetic. In this line of work, no matter how much science there is to back up an illness, we always find it hard to accept when it comes to a child's death. But Andrew is great, he's super supportive. Since our night together we've become good friends but for some reason I'm just not interested in becoming anything more. I confided in him about Alex and he has really looked out for me since then.

"Are you heading home?" Andrew interrupted my thoughts once more

"No I've got some post ops to finish for Dr Grey and some paper work to catch up on so I'm gonna stay for a little while later" I smiled as I looked up at the clock reading 8:00pm.

"Oh damn. I'd help you but I've got a warm comfy bed screaming my name" DeLuca joked

"Oh how very nice for you" I shook my head as I replied sarcastically

"I'll see you tomorrow Jamie" he laughed as he walked away

I shook my head watching him walk away then refocused my attention back to the patient files on the tablet in front of me.

"Hey Quinn, do you want to come to Joes later?" Meredith asked as she approached me

"Sure! I just have some post op checks to finish up" I gave a huge smile at her offer

"Great" she nodded and walked off

Meredith was strange at times but I liked her sense of humor and I liked hanging out with her. Since I've become a resident she's been a lot nicer to me. I've been on her service a lot more lately since I can't take Arizona's or Alex's service so we've been seeing a lot more of each other lately.

"Good afternoon Mr Thompkins, I just need to do a couple of checks on you before we let you go to sleep ok?" I smiled at the patient that lay in front of me

***

After all the patients were checked I headed to the residents room to change out of my scrubs. I grabbed up my bag and headed to the front of the hospital to meet Dr Grey.

"Hey Quinn" she gave a lopsided grin

"Hey Grey" I returned

We walked side by side to Joes and took a seat at the bar. Meredith ordered 2 drinks and we sat and talked for the night. She knew what happened between Alex and I and she certainly gave him an ear full.

"What's it like living with Arizona? Does she ever stop smiling?" Meredith joked after our 4th round of tequila

"Shes pretty cool. It's just so easy with her you know. There's never awkward silence or forced conversation. It's just, it's simple you know." I smiled at the thought

"Shes pretty crazy about you, you know" Meredith said as she took a mouthful of the fiery liquid

"She is?" I asked confused

"Sure! She's always talking about you. And how DeLuca stole you" she laughed

I gave a small laugh back but I was pretty thrown by what she said.

"Andrew and I are just friends" I said as I took a drink

"Yeah I know that but Arizona thinks you guys are pretty serious" her tone became less joking now

"Oh" I pouted my bottom lip in surprise as I placed the glass back down on the counter

"What?" Meredith asked confused now

"Nothing" I shook my head "It's just, she tried to kiss me like 6 months ago"

"She what? are you serious" Meredith asked, intrigued now

"Well she was pretty drunk so I helped her home and she kind of just came on to me but I mean I pulled away almost immediately. She was going through all that stuff with Callie and I just thought she was dark and twisty. Like you" I laughed

Meredith gave a sarcastic smile and took another drink before replying

"Did you like it?" She inquired

"I, uh, I don't know. I haven't thought about it since it happened. We swore to put it behind us and not speak of it." I said thinking back on the moment

"Are you gay?" Meredith pressed further

"No. I like men! I'm as straight as they get" I said defensively

"She might change your mind" Meredith joked

"Is it weird that whenever I see her I completely forget about everything that's going on around me. She's just like this ray of sunshine you know? People feel so much better after she helps them. Sometimes they feel better just after she walks in the room. 'Cause she has this super magic smile and when she smiles at you, everything gets better. No matter what I'm going through it fades away as long as she's there. And when I look into her sparkling blue eyes I feel like there is no bad in this world. And when she laughs its like fresh air. Its like I've been drowning for so long and as soon as she came into my life it was like coming up for air" I sighed

Meredith stared at me for a moment before replying

"I think you've got a lot to figure out but if you feel like that then you need to act on it" Meredith advised

"You're right" I nodded

"What are you going to do?" she asked interested

"I'm leaving" I said

"What?" her entire faced dropped

"I can't stay. Not if I feel like this. It's wrong. I can't just pick up anyone and everyone in the hospital and try them all out" I said seriously now

"You dated Alex for like a year. And DeLuca was a one night stand. You're not a slut trust me. And liking women, there's no wrong in that" she said incredulously

"I was never like this. I was focused and determined and top of my class. I'm slipping and it's because I let my feelings get the better of me. Alex was my first proper boyfriend and it wasn't magic or exciting or anything I thought a relationship should be. And it's because I think I like women and I've never realized it. So I need to leave. I need to get away from everything that makes me a bad person and an even worse surgeon" I nodded determined

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Hey everyone! So I know I'm sort of skipping through months here and there but I think it just adds better pace to the story and it would be boring if i wrote a day to day account. Also I know it might seem Jamie is jumping person to person relationship wise but I'm trying to get her to the place I have planned out for her in this story! I hope you are all enjoying it so far!