A Little Unsteady (A Grey's Anatomy Story)

Let Me Fix You

"Are you ready to close Shepherd?" I asked, waiting for her response

"Hold on, something's not looking right here" Amelia said distantly as she continued to inspect the patient's brain

"Well I've gotta close up his chest Amelia before something gets infected" I said strictly

"Go ahead, I just need another minute, I don't wanna leave this guy like a vegetable" she said nonchalantly

I nodded, more so to myself, than to Amelia as I picked up the suture kit to begin closing him. Before I could begin, his monitors went haywire, his pulse plummeting.

"Amelia, what the hell is going on?" I panicked

"I-I don't know what happened, he was looking good, I was ready to close" she furrowed her brows as she walked to the opposite side of the table

"Push one of epi" I ordered one of the Residents "I need a crash cart over here"

I began trying to revive the patient but to no avail, we lost him. I stood back from the table, placing my hands on my hips and hung my head and sighed. This never got any easier.

"Time of death, 17:47" I mumbled as I removed my surgical mask forcefully and throwing it to one side before turning on my heels and leaving the room

"Jamie, wait! Where are you going?" Amelia ran out of the OR after me

"I'm going to tell a woman that her sweet goodbye to what she thought was her perfectly healthy husband was her last!" I gritted my teeth in annoyance

"Hey Quinn don't take this out on me, there was clearly something not right with the site where his tumor was removed, along with working on his heart! Not many can withstand that" she tried to reason

"He wouldn't have needed me to work on his heart if you didn't make him stroke out because of hitting the wrong nerve" I growled coldly as I turned my back on her and walked away furiously

I walked to where the patient's wife sat in the waiting room and gently approached her.

"Mrs Sanders?" I asked softly as she stood to greet me

"Where is Dr Shepherd?" she asked in confusion

"Mrs Sanders, I'm Dr Quinn, I'm a cardio thoracic surgeon. You're husband had a stroke while on the table and unfortunately the damage was too extensive and he couldn't withstand the rest of the surgery. I'm sorry Mrs Sanders, we did everything we could." I repeated the words I had told so many others, it came to a stage where I couldn't even say them convincingly anymore

"No, no, no!" she began to scream in denial as she fell into my arms hysterically

"I'm so sorry" I whispered against her as I held her for a moment and then stood back "Is there anyone you would like me to call?"

"No" she sobbed "His mother is on her way, she thinks he's on his way out of surgery" she cried

I nodded in sympathy as I placed my hand on her shoulder supportively before walking away, twisting my scrub cap furiously in my hand. I was exhausted, furious and every other emotion I could possibly think of. I had been working 27 hours straight, I hadn't seen my son in almost 2 days and was just about done with all the shit we see in this hospital. I dragged myself to an on call room and fell onto the bed, letting out a frustrated sigh as I hit the mattress and closed my eyes.

"I'm sorry" I heard a voice from the bed at the other side of the room

My eyes flew open as I sat up in the bed

"Jesus Christ Amelia are you trying to scare me to death?" I said breathlessly

"Sorry, I didn't me to frighten you" she said solemnly as she too sat up

"It's alright" I sighed "Now why are you apologizing?"

"I'm sorry you had to do that, I should've informed the wife. And I'm sorry for screwing up and dragging you into my mess" she hung her head

"Come here" I said softly as I patted the space beside me on the bed

She looked at me in confusion at first and then in hesitation. I motioned for her to come over and so she did. She sat in beside me and I placed my arm around her shoulder.

"You're not just talking about the patient anymore are you?" I asked softly

"No" she mumbled

"Amelia" I sighed

"No Jamie, I never apologized. I was a jerk. I almost cost you you're marriage and I never even said I was sorry. At the time I was- I was jealous" she admitted

"Jealous?" I looked at her in confusion

"I was jealous of what you had, I was jealous of your strength. You have a beautiful wife, you kicked your addiction's ass and now you have an amazing son. I was never going to have that." she said with a quivering lip

"Hey don't say that" I whispered softly as I pulled her closer to me "Amelia, you are an amazing woman, you could have anyone you wanted and any kind of life your heart desired" I said encouragingly

"But the one person I want, I can't have and the one life I dream of is one with you in it" She sighed, defeated

"Amelia" I looked at her, knowing where this was heading

"Sorry" she muttered, almost inaudibly "But it's the truth"

I placed my finger under her chin and lifted her head so that she was now staring into my eyes.

"Why did you kiss me? That time in the park. We had just met, you barely knew me yet you felt the need to have me. Why?" I asked softly, still staring into her eyes, searching for what they might hold

"You were everything I wanted to be. I had just met you but I felt like I had lived a lifetime with you. You were stronger than I was and I needed your strength. I wanted you." she said darkly

I closed my eyes for a moment as I let my hand slip from her chin. I let her answer sink in as I tried my best to control the situation. To control myself. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes once more.

"Jamie?" she whispered

"Yes" I breathed

"Why did you let me kiss you?" she asked

"You were the only one who could have ever possibly understood me, what I had been through. My own wife didn't even know what was going on in my head but when I met you I felt like you shared my pain" I admitted

"I was broken" I whispered, defeated

Amelia now mirrored my actions as she closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. She pulled herself immeasurably closer to me and we were now directly face to face. She placed her arms around my neck as she pulled me into her embrace.

"Let me fix you" her lips brushed past my ear as she sent a shiver down my spine and an uncontrollable feeling of want flushed through my body

I untangled myself from her arms and without hesitation I took her face into my hands and placed my lips gently, but with a sense of urgency, on hers. She did not pull away, she didn't want to stop, she just kissed back with as much love as I needed.