A Little Unsteady (A Grey's Anatomy Story)

Need or Want

I paced around the hospital floors, so far I had only one surgery today! One! I had a tonne of paperwork, sure, but my mind was just not in it. So instead of actually doing some work that needed to be done, I paced. Floor to floor, OR to OR and I even sat in the Gallery to watch one of Mer's surgeries. I hadn't seen Amelia in two weeks. We kissed in the on call room and that night I stayed at her apartment. I told Arizona I was returning the favor a year later and babysitting for Mer. So not only am I a cheating whore, I'm a liar on top of it all. For the first week Amelia and I decided to avoid each other, which was pretty easy. Our specialties never really crossed over and we avoided the Attending's lounge at all cost. But this week Amelia just didn't show up. Meredith said she had some holidays to take and of course what a convenient time to take them, so that she could avoid me even more.

These last two weeks my mind has been spinning non stop and I don't know how to slow it down. I've barely spoken to Arizona, I wake up in the morning before her, I take Kayden to day care, I work all day, I come home, put Kayden to bed and just when she gets a minute to sit and talk with me I use the excuse that I'm exhausted and just really need some sleep. I knew I couldn't keep this up forever. Sooner or later Arizona is going to realize I'm hiding something and when she confronts me I don't know how I'm going to keep it in.

I looked up at the clock and saw it was finally 7pm. I clocked out and went to the Attending's lounge to change. As I placed my scrubs and coat into the locker I heard the door close softly behind me.

"Hi" I heard the soft familiar voice

"Hey" I said cautiously as I turned to face her

"I just came for some paperwork, I forgot to take some home with me. I'll get out of your way in just a minute" she said shyly as she walked past me towards her locker

Amelia had her back turned to me as she sifted through her locker. I walked quietly up behind her and leaned into her so that my lips were at her ear.

"I missed you" I said softly as a shiver made its way down her spine at the feeling of my hot breath against her delicate skin

"Jamie" she begged as I wrapped my arms protectively around her waist

"What?" I asked as I placed my chin on her shoulder

"Don't" she whispered

"I thought this is what you wanted" I said gently as I placed soft kisses against her neck, watching as she closed her eyes, trying to gain some control

"It is, God Jamie I want this, us, you so badly!" She said a little louder as she turned and came face to face with me, wrapping her arms around my neck "But I know this isn't you, this isn't what you want" she reasoned

"What if it is? What if I've changed my mind? What if I've finally realized you're exactly what I want" I pleaded

"You mean that?" she asked with a glimmer of hope in her eyes

"I do" I muttered against her lips as she smiled into my kiss

"What about Arizona?" she asked, finally breaking our kiss

"Things haven't been the same with us. We thought Kayden would bring us closer together but I think it only hid the inevitable. We've fought for each other for too long and now that we have nothing to fight for, there's nothing there anymore, that spark, that love. It's just cold and distant but with you, you understand me, you don't hide from your demons and you certainly don't try to sweep them under the rug like it was nothing. I need you Amelia, I need you to help me fight whatever this is that is starting to fill my mind again" I explained as I begged her, searching her eyes for a hint as to what she might be feeling

Without issuing another word her lips locked with mine once more in a fiery, passionate bliss. I pulled her immeasurably close to me. All I wanted to do was to feel her against me. Nothing else mattered in this moment other than the two of us standing there. We finally broke the kiss as I dropped my arms from around her waist and she removed her arms from my neck.

"I've gotta go" I said almost inaudibly as I placed my hand against her cheek, not wanting to spend another moment apart

"I know" she gave a choked whisper "I'll see you soon"

I smiled and decided there was nothing more to say. I stroked her soft cheek, feeling her heat radiate against my palm as I slowly pulled away and turned my back on her to walk out. I made my way to my car and drove home. I entered the house to see Arizona sitting at the kitchen table.

"Hey babe" I smiled as I walked towards her and gave her a kiss on the cheek

"Hey Jay" she grinned "Kayden's asking for you, I just put him down to bed"

"I'll go read him his story" I chuckled as I left the kitchen and made my way to his bedroom

"Hey buddy, what are we reading tonight little man?" I gave a huge smile as I saw him in his cot sitting up waiting for me with his favorite book in his hand

"Momma" he cooed when he saw me enter the room

"Bedtime for baby star" I grinned as I sat on the rocking chair beside the cot and took Kayden out to sit on my knee, holding him close to me

"Once there was a baby star, he lived up near the sun. And every night at bedtime, this baby star just wanted to have some fun, he would shine and shine and fall and shoot and twinkle oh so bright, and he said 'Mommy, I'll run away if you make me say goodnight'. And then his mommy kissed him on his sparkly nose and said 'No matter where you go, no matter where you are, no matter how big you grow and even if you stray far, I'll love you forever because you'll always be my baby star" I said softly as Kayden snuggled close to my body

I placed the book aside and stood up with him in my arms. I kissed him gently on his forehead as I placed him back in his cot and put his blanket over him.

"I love you so much little man. No matter what" I whispered as I gave him one last kiss and left the room

I walked back to the kitchen where Arizona still sat. I grabbed some water from the refrigerator and sat down across from her.

"Jamie" she started

"Mmhmm" I mumbled as I took a mouthful of my water

"Can we talk?" she asked seriously and those were the 3 dreaded words I so desperately tried to avoid

"Sure, what's up?" I asked, mimicking a look of concern

"Are you okay?" she asked in true concern

"Of course I'm okay Arizona, why wouldn't I be?" I smiled as I stood up to walk around to her "I've got my beautiful wife and my amazing little boy" I said softly, kissing her on the head

"I know, but you've been so distant lately and any time I try to be alone with you, you say you're tired or you've got more work to do. I just can't seem to reach you lately" she said looking up into my eyes

"I know, I'm sorry babe, it's just you know this time of year is hard. It's been 6 years since I lost Blake and since, you know, since things got hard for me. And even though it's been so long it's still so real for me. And I- I just- I never want to go through that again you know" I felt tears brimming my eyes as Arizona stood up and pulled me into her arms

"You'll never feel that kind of hurt again Jamie, I swear" she reassured me as she held me tight

I pulled away to look at her. How could I do this to her? How could I be so selfish. Who was I kidding? Arizona was the only person I needed in my life. But that selfish side of me was something I was always so bad at controlling. No matter how much I needed Arizona, I wanted Amelia more than anything.

Before I could react I watched as Arizona's eyes rolled back in her head as she fell to the ground right in front of me. I fell to my knees as I checked her breathing. What the hell was happening?

"Arizona? Arizona?" I said desperately as I shook her shoulders gently

"Arizona please wake up"