A Little Unsteady (A Grey's Anatomy Story)

She Deserves Better

"She's lost too much blood! Her pulse is too weak. Hang another bag of O neg" Meredith ordered as the gurney burst through the ER doors and I was wheeled into the trauma room

I fell in and out of consciousness. Hearing flashes of conversation and moments of panic and feeling flustered bodies everywhere. I must have been passed out until now because the last thing I remember is slipping back into the water of the bath tub in the old motel. I couldn't quite comprehend what exactly was going. I was dazed and lost, unable to speak or move. Everyone was talking and moving too fast. But there was one noise that was perfectly audible. One sweet crystal clear voice that spoke softly beside me.

"Jamie, hey it's me" I heard Arizona's voice from beside my ear but I could not see her "You stay with me ok, I need you to wake up" her voice quivered with emotion "I need you to be ok. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere you hear me?" she sobbed

All I wanted to do was squeeze her hand and let her know that I'd be alright. But I was paralyzed. Unable to comfort her when she needed it. I heard more shouting and all I wanted to do was just cut out the noise. Just sit in silence with Arizona for just a moment.

"We need more blood" I heard Meredith call

"Meredith she's maxed out" I heard Dr Hunt reply

"Hang another god damn bag Owen. I'm not losing her" Meredith stood her ground

"We need to suture her wrists and get these bandages off" I heard Dr Bailey from beside me

Although I knew someone was tugging at my wrists I couldn't feel any pain. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just open my eyes, why I couldn't just turn to Arizona and tell her I love her. I felt helpless so I decided to just let myself drift, to not try so hard to pay attention to everything that was going on around me. As I did that, flashes of moments came into my head. The moments I loved to remember with Arizona.

***

"Do you ever think about it?" I mumbled as I held Arizona a little tighter and pulled the blanket on the sofa over us as the fire blazed in front of us and the wind howled outside the window

"About what?" she asked as she snuggled her head into my shoulder

"The future" I replied "or did you give up on that after what happened with Callie?" I asked

"Sometimes, I guess I can't help it. But I try not to because usually nothing ever goes according to plan and I end up getting hurt" she replied nonchalantly

"Did you ever think about our future?" I asked hesitantly

"All the time" she mumbled into my shoulder as she hid her face

"Really?" I asked surprised as I pulled back to look at her expression

"How could I not? We've been together almost a year." she said shyly

I gave a small laugh at her reaction and kissed her forehead softly

"Can I ask you to do one thing for me?" I said softly

"Of course" she replied without hesitation

"Will you wait for me?" I mumbled, unsure of how she'd react

"What do you mean?" she asked confused

"I'm in my first year of residency, I've got so much more to learn and so many more hours to work. I'm not always around and I'm afraid you'll realize soon enough that you deserve someone who will spend every moment with you, who will treat you like a queen and spoil you everyday. I'm afraid you'll realize you deserve so much better than me" I admitted

"Jamie if you think I'm going anywhere then you're crazy! I've waited too long for you. No matter what you throw at me I'm staying right here, even if it annoys you. But you have to promise me one thing" she stared into my eyes

"Anything" I replied softly

"You can't trade me in for someone younger and better looking whenever you feel like it ok? We're in this for the long haul" She joked yet with a hint seriousness

I laughed at the promise she asked of me. Even though Arizona is older and definitely wiser and more level headed than I am she always reverts to a sense of childishness that I love so much. I hugged her tighter and leaned into her ear.

"I'm not going anywhere"

***

I was suddenly pulled from my thoughts and I could feel oxygen burst through my lungs. My eyes flew open and I was no longer paralyzed. I could see and feel everything. But this time there was no hustle, no panic, nothing. Just silence. I lay in a bed in a room of my own. I had no idea how long I had been asleep for but I already felt tired and overwhelmed. I could hear the machines beeping around me and the gentle breath of someone close by. I turned my head slowly to the right and saw Arizona asleep on the chair beside my bed. She didn't deserve this, this pain and torture. Wondering if I was ever going to wake up. This was probably the first she had slept in days. I could see the bags visible under her eyes and her skin was paler than normal. I had put her through all this. And I wasn't going to sit around and watch her go through something like this ever again.

Her eyes soon fluttered open and she darted across to my bedside.

"Oh Jamie, thank god" she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me desperately "I thought I lost you" her voice quivered "don't ever scare me like that again" she did her best to smile as she rubbed my hair

How could she do this? How could she smile and hug me and not shout or scream at how much I had put her through?

"Get out" I gritted my teeth

"What?" she stood back in shock

"I said get out Arizona" I raised my voice a little more

"Jamie what's going on? Are you in pain? Do you need something?" Arizona stuttered

I picked up a vase of flowers that stood by my bed and hurled it against the far wall. Watching as it smashed to pieces on the ground.

"I said get away from me Arizona" I almost screamed

Arizona stumbled back away from me and swiftly left the room as tears began to fall down her face. It was cruel but it was the only way I could let her go. The only way I could free her from my pain. She didn't deserve this. She deserved someone stable, someone who could give her her dreams. That was never going to be me.

***
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