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Changed at First Sight

Changed at First Sight

I'm Gay. I completely am. I've been like this since highschool and I am so proud of it that my instagram feed was filled with gay pride posts. I do my friends makeup and hair and I do makeup to myself. I'm not ashamed and never will be.
My friends accept me for who I am and they adore and look up to my strength and courage that I have to face the world. They think that I'm not really gay because of my strength in spirit and passion. And sometimes they say na it's ""sayang"" because of my looks and my built and because I'm so passionate when it comes to the people I love even if they're just my friends.

I tried liking girls, I liked girls before I came out. Pero wala eh, nandidiri ako or nauumay madalas. Sabi ko sa sarili ko noon: "Wala na 'tong pag asa, lalaki talaga gusto ko."

Marami nang lalaki ang nagdulot ng sakit sa'kin. Around 10, pero 3 lang ang sineryoso ko at 2 dun yung pinaka binigyan ko ng lahat lahat at yung una yung pinaka ineffortan ko. And may gustong manligaw na mga paminta pero I just ignore them kasi biglaan.
I confessed to my first love noon, I wrote a four-page letter with two poems, a drawing of the sun hugging the moon, a song, and my message. Yes, I'm corny, I'm cheesy, I'm old school, I'm "too much," I'm "malandi," Pero I guess that's how I am as a person. I know when my heart knows it's falling in love with the "right" one. Kaya I give my all to make him feel my love.
Even with my second love, I gave my all and sometimes regret it.

Pero of course, hanggang love ko lang sila. Walang nangyaring I love you back. Walang nangyaring Mutual Understanding. Puro ako at inubos ko ang sarili ko hanggang sa wala nang natira sakin.
And then I moved on and went on another journey to find or wait for another guy. and I kept on looking and waiting for guys to come pero parang minamalas ako eh. Until tadhana decided na paikutin ang mundo ko.

It was second sem and malapit na mag-end yung sem so we had to comply to something.... baka mahalata niya eh hahaha! :) Basta, it was in a room filled with other people and out of all the guys and girls there, siya lang yung pinaka napansin ko. I was enchanted by her beauty and poise. She didn't look maarte and if she were a man I would've approached her immediately. Kaso hindi, she was a girl and I was not interested. Pero I can't stop thinking of her face hanggang sa makauwi ako.

And then came the next sem and there was a reshuffle-as usual.
Pagpasok ko sa room I immediately went to my blockmates nung first and second sem and after nun I started talking to other people. And nagulat ako when I started talking to a girl na familiar and then she mentioned about the event kung saan kami nagkita, I was shocked to know that she's my blockmate. At nagulat nga ako at tinignan ko lang siya sa mata not knowing na I was smiling. At dun na, nagandahan na ko ng tuluyan sa kanya at naappreciate ko talaga siya.
Nung una, nahihirapan akong intindihin kung bakit ako nagandahan ng todo knowing na marami narin akong nakilalang sobrang ganda. Nahirapan ako at di ko alam kung tuwa o takot yung mararamdaman ko. Sinabi ko sa mga kaibigan ko and nagulat rin sila.

Pagkatapos ng isang linggo, naisip ko na hanggang ganda lang siya. Hanggang sa may ginawang kalolokohan yung prof namin para sa isang subject. (thankful ako though). Nahihiya akong sabihin kung anong nangyari so pls. understand kasi she will find out :) Basta, I had to work with her to finish a project na madugo at kinailangan naming magpunta somewhere. Of course, ako 'to. Madaling mafall pag may intimate na distance and masayang usapan. We had to go to a site and a structure and siya yung kasama ko at dalawa pang kaibigan. Ang saya ng usapan namin at nakita ko yung ganda ng spirit niya.

Kami lang magkausap at magkatabi papunta at pauwi at dun na nangyari ang kadramahan ko at ang isang bagay na hindi ko pinaniniwalaan.
Sa bawat segundo na hindi siya nakatingin, tinititigan ko ang mukha niya. At hinahayaan ko lang na mahipan ng hangin ang buhok niya na tumatama sa mukha ko.
Nung pauwi na at nakatulog siya sa biyahe, tinitigan ko ang mukha niya at sinabi ko sa sarili ko ang isang bagay na hindi ko aakalaaing sasabihin ko: "I want HER to be mine. And I want her to be with me for the rest of my life." Walang arte, hindi na nagpapaganda, responsable, masipag, talentado: Lahat ng hindi ako. At mula sa oras na 'yun, binago niya kung sino ako. At sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon, tinanggap ko yung pagbabago na yun.

Siyempre kung nabasa mo na lahat, kilala mo na ko. Alam mo na kung sino 'to. Pero 'di na bale. Ok lang kung di mo tanggap, naiintindihan ko kasi ako mismo hindi ko tanggap nung una. Ok lang kung ayaw mo sakin, ayos lang swear! Kung ayaw mo naman ng mas babae sa'yo diba? :D Pero, pakiusap ko lang, don't forget or ignore me. Let's stay friends and I'll swear na I'll forget all my feeling and yes, I can do that ayoko lang na hindi mo na ako papansinin kasi gusto kita. I can do your makeup, your hair, or be sisters. Wag ka lang mawala sa buhay ko. Pero if you can give me a chance, I promise to show you my whole world without hiding anything, and I promise to never be ashamed of you. Because before you changed me, I was never ashamed of myself.

gwapong machong bading
2015
Architecture