Ed Sheeran Imagines ♥

Cuts

WARNING: If this topic makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, please don't read this!

I thought I was done with it. I thought I was clean. No more cutting. I thought Ed had fixed me. But here I go again: Sitting on the cold bathroom floor, in the middle of the night, with a sharp metal razor between my thumb and my index finger.
I was staring at my wrist, at the fresh cuts I've left there. Blood was slowly dripping down, leaving a mess on the white tiles. I would have to clean it up, before going back to bed. I didn't want Ed to find out what I've done.
My sweet Ed. He thought he had fixed this problem a long time ago. I thought so, too. But the old, negative feelings were slowly starting to come back again.

The reason why I decided to hurt myself is not easy to explain. I would cut, simply because I hated myself so much that I wanted to tear myself to pieces.
I would cut because I felt like it was the only way to feel something other than the hurt, the confusion and the self-hate that was driving me insane.
I cut because the physical pain took away the emotional pain I was feeling.
When Ed became a part of my life and found out what I've been doing to myself all those years, he was there. He collacted my broken pieces and put them back together, he made me whole again. And now, in this moment, I was destroying everything he had done for me to make me feel better about myself.

My vision became blurry from the tears that were starting to form in my eyes. I let out a soft sob and I noticed how bad my hands were shaking. I was so sad, so angry and so desperate. I clenched my fist around the razor, before throwing the damn thing  accross the room. It hit the wall and landed on the floor.
I brought my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, trying to get my breathing under control.
Very soon, I could hear his footsteps and his soft voice, that was calling my name. I didn't want him to see what I did, but all I wanted and needed right now, was him.

He appeared in the doorway, rubbing his tired eyes. "Baby, why aren't you in bed? What are you...," he stopped in the middle of his sentence as soon as he saw the scene in front of him. I lifted my head, my tear-filled eyes meeting his beautiful blue ones. "Ed," I chocked out, my voice cracking. "Help me."
He was at my side in a matter of seconds and sat down accross from me. He carefully took my wrist in his hand, inspecting the wounds. Some of them were still bleeding, others stung like hell. "I'll take care of them," he whispered and helped me to to get up from the ground. He sat me down on the toilet and grabbed a cloth, wetting it a bit. He was kneeling in front of me  gently holding my wrist in his hand as he started to wipe away the blood from my skin. I was watching him in silence, tears still falling from my eyes. He found some gauze in the medicine cabinet and gently began to wrap my wrist with it, keeping his gaze down.
Once he was finished, he brought my hand to his lips, softly touching my skin. Then he looked up at me.

"Why, Baby?" he asked quietly. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"I'm worthless," I managed to get out from my tight throat. I saw the tears, that were welling up in his eyes and it broke my heart even more. Because they were my fault.
He carefully put his arms around me, embracing me tightly. He hid his head in the the crook of my neck. "I thought you were okay? What happened?" he whispered, his voice sounding weak.

"I...I hate myself, Ed. So much. I don't understand what you see in me. I'm so scared that one day you will stop loving me and realize what a waste I am," I sobbed as I held onto him.

"You're so beautiful, you don't need to do this. You don't need to hurt yourself." He pulled back and took my face between his hands. "I love you so much. I can't loose you to the demons in your head. Please, don't hurt yourself. I love you. Do you understand this?"

His words made me cry harder but I still nodded my head. "I...I just can't accept myself," I explained, hoping he would understand. He was caressing my cheek with his thumb. "I know, Honey. But we will fix this. It won't be easy, but I will help you get through this, I promise.  You're not alone, my beautiful Alice."

"I'm weak and I'm so ashamed of what I'm doing," I said, my voice still shaking.

"No, please don't." He laced our fingers together. "Don't be ashamed of them. We all have scars and bruises from life, just some you can see and some you can't."
That really was a beautiful way of saying it.

I let my forehead rest against his, feeling some of his orange  strands tickling my skin. "This will only work out if you talk to me. Whenever you get those feelings again, talk to me. It doesn't matter where I am or what time it is. I'll be there for you," he mumbled. His words made me smile a bit and I touched my nose to his.

"Thank you so much, Ed. You're so wonderful," I said softly and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
Although he knew my biggest secret he still decided to stay with me and that, was something, nobody had done for me before.

I want you all to know that every single one of you is beautiful and that I'm here if you need anyone to talk. I know what I'm talking about because I also once hurt myself. But now, I am finally clean and I'm never gonna risk it. I love you all ♥♥♥