Ed Sheeran Imagines ♥

Anxiety

Fear. Apprehension. Avoidance. Pain.
Afraid of being rejected and not fitting in. Constant worry about being judged by others. An overhelming fear of being in social events or even entering a conversation. Avoiding social situations where you can in order to avoid panic attacks. Hiding what's wrong with you inside and putting up a defensive wall to protect your "secret". Ever since I could remember, my life has been like this: Controlled by social anxiety. When talking about it, most people would think you are just shy. But it's not shyness. Being shy is a personality traite, not a mental health disorder.

When Ed became a part of my life, I found the one person I could trust the most. But I still decided to not tell him anything about my little "problem". I didn't want it to affect our relationship in any way or make him treat me differently. So I kept it quiet. It wasn't always easy to hide my disorder from him but somehow, I managed it and he still didn't know anything about the anxiety.

I actually thought it had started to get a little better since I haven't had a panic attack in a while now. But after Marc, one of Ed's friends he hasn't seen in a while, invited us to a party I realised that I wasn't going to be okay any time soon.

In the past, I've always found a way to avoid parties. I knew that my constant excuses were annoying Ed because he always had to go alone. I felt really guilty about it and I wish it wasn't like this. But I couldn't do anything about the feelings that came with social anxiety.

This time, it was different, though. I knew I had to go with him or else he would be super disappointed. He was tired of going alone and I could perfectly understand him. This time, I couldn't just stay at home and hide.

It took everything in me to act normal as we drove down the road to Marc's house, even though on the inside, I was freaking out. "Why do I have to go?" I asked quietly. "No one there knows me, anyways."

Ed groaned in frustration. "I know you, Jackson knows you and some of my friends know you, too. I'll introduce you to the others. I'm sure you'll get along fine."

I looked down at my lap, nervously playing with my thumbs. Talking to new people made me anxious. "But I don't like parties," I mumbled. Ed took a quick glance at me but it was enough for me to notice the annoyed expression on his face. "You always say that, Alice. It's just a stupid party, not the end of the world."
I didn't answer and silence filled the car. None of us did say anything else.

A few minutes later we arrived at Marc's house and there already were many other cars parked outside. Ed cut the engine and walked around the car to open the door for me. I took a deep breath before getting out. I could do this, I told myself, everything was going to be fine.

I followed Ed as he walked towards the door, that stood wide open. I could already hear the loud music and the sound of people talking and laughing. As soon as we walked through the door I grabbed Ed's hand, clutching it. There were tons of people I didn't know and I was so scared of loosing Ed in the crowd. It was so intimidating, being surrounded by all these people I haven't met before. We weren't here for even ten minutes and I was already starting to feel uncomfortable. I had planned on staying by Ed's side all night, hoping the anxiety wouldn't overhelm me when he was there.

But as someone called Ed's name and he let go of my hand, my heart immediately started racing in my chest. "No, wait! Where are you going?" I asked trying to be louder than the horrible music that was playing.

"I'll be back in a second. I'm just gonna say 'hi' to some people, alright?"

"No!"

"No?" Ed furrowed his eyebrows.

"I don't want to be alone."

"Then come with me and I'll introduce you to them," Ed offered.

I quickly shook my head. Talking to strangers and risking to make a fool of myself? I'd rather cut off one leg. "No, it's okay. I'll just wait here." I could see how confused he was about my weird behaviour, but he didn't say anything else and just leaned down to kiss my cheek. "I know you don't like parties but there are some great people here. Have fun, a bit at least," he told me with a slight smile before turning around, leaving me standing there all by myself.

My heart was still racing and I was sweating slightly. I awkwardly stood there, completely frozen, in the middle of the crowd of dancing and laughing people. Some of them probably wondered why I was just standing there and not moving at all. They probably thought I was weird, a freak. I felt completely exposed, like a deer in headlights. I was trying to control my breathing the best I could and grabbed onto my right arm with my hand, digging my nails into my skin. I didn't want to have a panic attack in front of everyone. I wanted to go home and hide under my blanket.

I felt tears forming in my eyes as I noticed that I couldn't get my breathing under control. I needed to get out. I needed air. Somehow, I pushed my way through the crowd of people, apologizing as I walked towards the front door. I stumbled out into the backyard and fell down on my knees, feeling the soft grass tickling my skin. My breathing has gotten worse and I felt very dizzy. I lost control and it felt like someone was sucking the air out of me and pulling the ground from beneath me. The intense amound of pain I was feeling made me want to run away from my body.

"Alice!?" I heard someone call my name. I noticed Ed's voice but I didn't look up at him. I didn't want him to see that his girlfriend was a total freak. I could hear his footsteps approaching me and I could feel his hands on my shaking shoulders as he knelt down in front of me. "E...E...Ed," I tried to tell him to go away but I wasn't even able to form whole sentences.

"Shhh, it's alright, Love. Everything's alright. I'm here now," he tried to sooth me and carefully, as if not to startle me, put his arms around my shaking body.

"I wanna go home, Ed," I sobbed and held onto him as he started to run his fingers through my hair in a comforting way, knowing this would always help to calm me down when I was crying.

"I know, Darling. And we can go home but I need you to calm down first, okay?"

I was still struggling to get enough air into my lungs while silent cries escaped my mouth. "Come on, Alice, I need you to breathe for me. In and out. In and out," he instructed trying to sound calm, but I could still hear a bit of desperation in his voice. I tried to do as he said and concentrated on my breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

"There you go. You're doing great." He kissed the top of my head, still rocking us back and forth.

Eventually, I started to calm down. But my panic was immediately replaced with extreme embarassement. I've never wanted him to see me like this. I've never wanted him to find out about everything I've tried to hide from him.

"Teddy, I'm so-"

"No, don't apologize. It's okay, Love," he whispered and hugged me even tighter. "This was a panic attack, wasn't it?"

I nodded. "Has this ever happened before? Because you never said anything about panic attacks."

"It's not like it's anything I'm proud of or want people to know. I've never told anyone about my disorder."

"Disorder?"

I slowly lifted my head to look at him. I swallowed hard before opening my mouth. "I have a social anxiety disorder, Ed. Sometimes I also have panic attacks, but they aren't always the same. I haven't told you anything about it because I didn't want you to see me differently. I didn't want you to think I was crazy or weird. I didn't want you to think that it's just all in my head, " I explained. He was staring at me and I wished he would show a proper reaction.

"Alice," he finally said, voice soft and gentle. "I love you so much. And I promise, I won't see you any different now." He carefully put my face between his warm hands, stroking my still wet cheeks with his thumbs. "I'm not going to tell you that it's all in your head. I don't know how you feel but I want to understand it. I want to learn how to calm you down when something like this ever happens again. I want to help you because I never want to see you break down like this. You can call me whenever you get upset or sad or anxious and I'll be there for you. Always."

He held out his pinky for me. A smile found its way on my lips as I locked our pinkies. I leaned my forehead against his. "Pinky promise, Teddy?" I asked.

"Pinky promise, Wonderland," he answered.

Hey guys, I told my mum about my social anxiety disorder but I think she doesn't really believe me. I don't even judge her for it because most people don't take mental health seriously.
But I do, and I know that it's not just in our heads.