[A/n: This might be a little dark for some, so please be aware of that while reading. Also the song I listened to while writing this is above, so listen if you want while you read. Italisized means it's the readers thoughts that he's fighting. Enjoy!.]
Gajeel Redfox X Depressed! Suicidal! Male Reader
art by Funimation entertainment (screen shot) with a transparent background.
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I'm alone... I'm always alone.
I can't spend my whole life trying to be something I'm not! I refuse to play pretend, to put on a smile for everyone, to laugh and cheer, to be one of the group. I don't want to trap myself in a false thought that I could be happy in this world. I don't want the world to have me by it's disgusting clutches as I try to blink away my tears, I don't want the claws of the damned to drag me down to the pit of despair and shame as I try to reach for an emotion that I'm not prepared to feel!
I need help, I know that....
BUT I DON'T WANT IT!
I can do this by myself, I can cry and fall and be trapped in this damned emotional cage until I shrivel up and die alone.
I can watch as the people I associate with on a daily basis walk by and not care at all. Not care that there is another scar on my wrist, not care that my eyes are red and puffy, not care that I throw up at the site of food, not care if I make jokes about not being with them the next day.... When I know very well that it's not a joke but a cry for help.
My emotions are as vast as the scars on my body. I want this, I don't want this; I want that, I don't want that; stay away from me, love me. I don't know what I want anymore!
My mind is torturing me and I think there is only one solution, but everytime I think of that one thing that would solve everything I just injure myself, I can never go through with it..... I can't end it all.
You don't belong here anymore.
My mind told me again today, it fills me with concerns and worries of the past. I curled up right where I stood in the livingroom of my home. I covered my ears, as if I tried to trap the voice that haunts my life. The voice of Reason murdered by this demon who lurks in my mind, filling it with thoughts that are my own but amplified. They give me anxiety and distress.... They make my heart race and make me believe that I need to follow what it's telling me.
You're home alone. You are always alone. Remember back when you were little? Just like back when your parents abandoned you, you're all alone again. He's not returning, so just kill yourself and end your pain.
"I can't!" I tried reasoning with myself, the slight chance I would win this
But (Y/n), You're not listening to me..... He's not coming back, he doesn't love you anymore, he's abandoned you. 3 months away with the Fairy Tail brigade, he isn't coming home anytime soon! He probably dropped you for one of the girls, they can give him something you can't: A FAMILY.
"STOP!" I shouted, "He's not like that, he wouldn't just..." I began to cry a lot, my words sounding as if I am possessed by a blubbering whale. "He said he loved me... he was the one who confessed...."
He said he loved you, just like your parents who abandoned you just because you didn't have the slightest bit of potential to be a sorcerer...What a joke.
"I can't..."
LISTEN! Don't you remember your past, the hell you went though? The fear and treachery that you felt The pain in your chest, the convulsion of whimpering, the tired eyes, the stomach aches, the throwing up? What fixed all that pain? What helped all of that go away?! The Knife! The knife helped all of that go away! Remember the chant you used to religiously say while you were calming down with the knife? Sideways for pain and stabilization, long way to heaven and relievement. Let's get some relievement this time, ain't no one going to pay attention to your sorry ass no more.
