Bound By Purpose

To Live a Life

September 2nd, 1946

"Peggy doesn't know about this?" I ask holding the small sealed vile in my hands. 

"She knows a little." Howard says ashamed. He looks down as he leans against the table. I swapped it out for an identical one. 

"You don't think she was right about this?" I push back from the table to meet him face to face. "We shouldn't be dealing in this, and you know it..." I shove the glass bottle against his chest. "I for one do not want any part in this." He wraps his hand around mine and the glass. 

"After everything this past year you aren't going to go through with this. We've already done all the lying, all the treachery..."

"They wanted us for treason against our country!" I say trying to pull away. "We lost our reputations and more importantly we lied to Peggy and to the Howling Commandos. They would give their lives for what's in that bottle so that it may never come to see the light and yet here we are with it in our hands."

"We were cleared from all that..." He says shaking his head, thinking back a few months when we had to testify in front of our own agency. "You have to do this Eve."

I shake my head. "Steve wouldn't want this." I turn away and grab my glass of whiskey off the table and take a swig. I run my hands through my hair and begin to pace.

"You want this though... You know you do." He says. 

"What are you talking about?" I say stopping in my tracks.

"We've spent a year together now. Your drinking, the late nights, your changed behaviors. There's no hiding how badly you want to get away."

"My drinking." I mutter under my breath. I pour another glass of whiskey just to spite him. "The war changed me..." I say hoping he'll drop it.

"The war changed all of us." He says. "It changed you enough to agree to this after Steve died, why change your mind now? Is it because of Peggy?"  

I slam my glass on the table. "No it's not because of Peggy..."

"Then what is it?" He says leaning back against the table. 

I shake my head. "I don't think it should be me." I say touching the cool glass. "I thought it should back when I agreed to all this, but I feel even less prepared now."

"You are still the most qualified person for this job, but I need you to believe that before we go through with it. I'm not letting you back out on me."

"What if it doesn't work? What if I can't do it?" I fold in on myself on a chair. Howard follows me over and kneels down to look at me.

"You are the only one it will work on, you know that."

"Do I? Those others we tested it on... They died Howard. We killed 5 innocent men."

He stands back up, unshaken. "We have this now." He says holding up the vial.  

"What difference does it make. Just because you put some of Steve's blood in me and nothing horrible happened  doesn't mean it'll work for this crazy experiment you want to run."

"You gotta trust me. This will work. When it does it can help with what we're trying to build here. The SSR... they could use their own weapon to fight against some of these threats..."

"So that's the purpose then? To make me into a weapon for more personal gain."

"The purpose? I'm doing this for you! You can save people, you could be a part of something bigger than yourself again." He takes my hands in his. "Please I just need you to trust me." He almost looks hurt, which is something he rarely shows. I take a shaky breath. He continues to look at me while I contemplate. It's been a long year with the repeated motions of running and lying for him. A whole year of training and becoming a spy. I spied against my own agency and a my best friend, all for this man. Why? I study his face and his eyes it's as if they're pleading with me. I do... For whatever stupid reason I do trust him and I want to be a part of something bigger.

"Okay." I say in barely a whisper. I pry him away from me and take a step back. "It's not for you." I lie. "Steve and Buck wanted me to live on, and we've already thrown any chance I had at a normal job with the SSR away so..."

He stands up and grabs me by the shoulder as he smiles. It takes me aback because it reminds me of what the boys used to do to me to make sure I was okay or when I was worried. I shrug him off. "Don't mess this up. I am trusting you to make this work."

Stark regains his composer and nods at me. "It's all set up. Tomorrow we can run through the basics."

"Are you putting me under already?"

"If you feel ready." 

I nod slowly. "I'll tell my parents... I'll tell them I'm going to California for a few weeks."

"Huh you wish." Yeah I do wish. I've always wanted to go there for reasons not pertaining to work. 

"Goodnight Howard." I say not wanting him to get any ideas

"You don't want Jarvis to drive you home?"

"No that's alright, he's done more than enough for me over the months. No I'd prefer to walk home so I can think things through." Without saying anything more I let myself leave the room. I wander the empty halls to the front where Jarvis is waiting with my jacket.

"Hard night Evelyn?"

"It was quite alright Jarvis." I can of course spare Jarvis a smile as he opens the door for me.

"Have a safe walk home."

"You know me Edwin. I'll ring you when I get home. Sound good?"

With a nod Jarvis extends his arm out the door for me. I step out into the night life of uptown and the cool September air. I almost begin to laugh at myself realizing what I've just agreed to. If it works I'll be bound to the agency for life and if it doesn't work I will more than likely die. Equally shitty options. 

This last year has been crazy and the idea that the rest of my years could be just as dangerous does make my heart skip but I suppose I was born for this. If the war had gone differently I know this is not where I'd be, but now I have few options that would fulfill what I want in life. Right decision or not I want to heal and I want to be a part of something greater. In the place of postwar woman looking for love stands me, a woman who wants to live but doesn't, a woman who lost everything and has nothing that she wants to gain. I might die but maybe I'm okay with that.

So now I'm left with one question... What am I afraid of? 

I don't know.