Bound By Purpose

1979: Newfound Purpose

I grip the warm cup of tea that and peer inside it studying my reflection. It's eerie to be in the sitting room which had changed the most with the times compared with the rest of the house. Rebecca sits across from me on the only remaining original piece to the room, my father's chair.

"I know you can't tell me very much." She says looking up from her own cup. "But You haven't aged a day since the last time I met you and you just appear days after your parents were found and buried." I look up from my cup tracing the china with my hand, contemplating what to say. "You don't have to tell me the truth... I just want to know why. Whatever you're doing, why are you doing it. It cannot be good for you. Time travel, deaging, years of sleep at a time... Whatever it is you don't deserve it." She leans close to me now putting a hand on my knee in a motherly way.

"I've been sleeping..." I shrug, that's one way to put it. "They wake me up every few years..." I open my mouth to continue but there's not much that I could say.

"Why?" She asks.

"Why?" I look up frustrated that I don't know the answer. "What do you mean, why?"

"In the beginning... I assume this was on the SSR's account." How much does she know about the SSR and SHIELD. She notices my discomfort because she answers my unasked question. "My husband... He worked as the transition to SHIELD was taking place. Anyway... What was it in the beginning that led you to have a blind faith in this experiment you're a part of..." I'm distracted though. The way she said husband... the same hurt haunts those eyes as I'd seen in myself towards the end of the war.

"Your husband..." I begin. She cuts me off.

"Died. In Vietnam, for the same damn agency that Bucky did. Different name, same damned mission."

"I'm sorry." I say.

Her eyes suddenly transport her to another place as they glaze over. "Jack was..." She smiles. "He was a lot of things but a soldier wasn't one of them. He was a loving father, and one of the best men I knew. He could've given Steve or Bucky a run for their money." She giggles at this as if she was still a 14 year old girl. "I have twins you know. Evelyn and Steven, or Steve and Eve as they're called around the house."

My own smile dampers a bit. "You named a child after me?"

"I figured if they could be as good of friends as you were then they'd be able to conquer everything. The funny thing is Evelyn is so much like Bucky and Steven is the exact copy of his father. Funny how stuff like that works out." I nod still confused as to why she'd honor me with something like that. "They would love you. Their lost aunt, come to visit them." She cracks another small smile, but bares her eyes into mine.

"You asked about my purpose..." She becomes focused again. I see no need to stall so I begin. "After the war I didn't have one. I sat and I cried and I wasn't enjoyable to be around. Steve wasn't coming back and as much as I tried to fight it I knew I'd never see James again." I get a flash of the base and his masked face but I shake it free trying to be level headed. "So when Howard asked if I wanted back in, I jumped to it no questions asked, and now I see you and Peggy, and Howard... The war has been over for decades and everyone has moved on... Except me." Everything hits me. The loss, the heartbreak. "It's like the world is moving so fast, and it's leaving me behind." Rebecca moves over to the couch and grabs my hands. "I woke up to a world where my parents are dead, and everyone I know is settled down, where the problems of my time aren't relevant anymore..." That's not the part that bothers me though. I know its not.

I shift my weight and gather my thoughts. "When Bucky and I went and got together on my 16th birthday, I knew that he was my future. We talked about it a lot, before the war. Even when the war began even when we both went off to be trained we never thought of a world without the other. When he left we both made promises, promises we both broke. When he died it was like everything I'd ever had or wanted was suddenly gone. For the first time I had no idea what I was going to do. So I gave up. I went home and made no plans for anything..."

"What changed?"

"Steve died. Steve had that same hole torn in him and I think it was worse for him because he blamed himself for Bucky's death. Steve had just fought harder while I had given up on everyone. Even Peggy found it in herself to fight harder for what the boys were trying to accomplish. I was so angry at myself and at the world that when Howard came and asked me to rejoin I did."

"Because you felt guilty?"

I nod. "It's like I wanted to punish myself... When I found out what Stark had in mind for me, I... I thought I'd have a purpose again, that putting me under would be the best way to cope, but it hasn't been the case. I've been awakened for less than a total of a year. When I'm under my mind is still thinking and remembering, but it's not healing." I finally have the courage to look up. 

"You could just stay." She says and suddenly I'm back to her living room floor telling her I couldn't stay.

"There's nothing for me here. Rebecca I love you like a sister and you've helped me more than you will ever know, by just talking to me, but I still have an obligation."

"What obligation? Who in this country deserves whatever you're doing to protect it."

"I made a promise when I joined the SSR so many years ago. My father spent his life in service and Bucky and Steve died for it. I think I was always doomed to live in service anyway." I smile thinking about all the good that the agency had done and no doubt would do in the future. "I promised myself and Howard that I'd be there when I was needed. They haven't really needed me yet, but I may be needed in the future, you know."

"You're willing to put yourself through this? Your parents won't be the only deaths you'll live through."

"I didn't ask for this life, in fact I'd dreamed I'd always have Bucky by my side and we'd settle down somewhere in the country, but yeah I'm willing. I've done too much and been through so much for this country and it's secrets that I don't think I could just walk away."

"Just know... You do not owe anyone anything. You've given your love, your life, your body, and your future to something you don't even know will happen."

"You're right but I have a gut feeling that someday I will be needed. I've seen things beyond us, beyond our world. I can't help but think we may have to face more of that someday, maybe I can help when that time comes."

Suddenly Rebecca stands up. "You've made your choice. You're leaving  again?" I look up solemnly and nod my head. 

"Yes, yes I am."

She bites her lip. "It was an honor to know you Evelyn."

"This... this isn't a goodbye forever."

"It may not seem like it to you, but it's an eternity for everyone else."

"But you're not alone." I say almost to put her in her place.

She glares at me, but then loses her spite. "You're right. I have my kids." She nods to herself and then kneels beside me. She takes my hands again. "Tell me this is the right decision. Tell me that in the future you'll do your job, save the world..." 

"I promise." I say with a lighthearted laugh.

"I wasn't finished." My smile disappears. "Tell me you'll settle down and be happy one day. Find something that makes you happy and settle down."

"I don't think..." She holds up a hand to stop me. 

"Just promise me you'll try to be happy."

"I promise." She pulls me in for a hug. I pray that I can keep this promise not just for her but for myself as well. When she pulls away I'm left feeling brighter. It wasn't the most heartwarming conversation but I feel as if I have the courage to go back under and wait for the moment that's coming where I'll be genuinely needed.

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The walk back is lonesome, but with a city that's more alive than I'd ever seen, it's interesting. I look up at the two new towers that serve as a welcome to a free world. A world I had the honor of defending.

The building where I'd been kept a secret for so many years is no longer a secret space. It's branded with the Shield logo and is bustling with security and those employed by the agency. Something I'd hardly noticed as I was hustled out on my way back home. I'm met near the front door by Howard and a team of scientists. When he reaches me he shoos them away and puts a hand on my back pushing me away from the eyes of people. He leads me onto an elevator and uses a card for clearance to a lower level, once again towards a unknown future.