Bound By Purpose

A Stepping Off Point

The day I gave birth to my twins I was very nearly alone. Everyone was out on mission, or still caught up in their grief. Everyone except for Nat. She was with me all through my hospital stay and she went home with me. In those first weeks she got me through the post partum depression and the realization that I would have to raise my children without a father. When everyone, including myself, were too indulged with grief and regret Nat picked herself up and saw me through. She had been the team's rock for the past five years the one who always kept the hope alive. A flesh and bone human, who conquered and fought alongside gods and super soldiers. Though I should be immune to loss by now the image of Natasha singing a Russian lullaby to my babies sticks in my head, making me inconsolable.

I look up across the glassy pane of the water. Steve had come down here earlier to mourn and we had all followed him out of habit. We all sit now in silence thinking about how this could all be real. We'd lost another.

"Do we know if she had family?" Tony asks from beside me. What a silly question to ask of course she had one. I lift my head to respond but I can't bring myself to take my thoughts from her memory so I let the others talk.

Steve answers for me, "Yeah. Us." Steve's having a rough time. They had something special, been through hell and back together. 

"What?" Thor asks, pushing himself away from one of the docks railings.

"I just asked him a question..." Tony says innocently. 

Thor walks to the center and angrily gets his point across, "Yeah, you're acting like she's dead. Why are we acting like she's dead? We have the stones, right? As long as we have the stones, Cap, we can bring her back, isn't that right? So stop this shit. We're the Avengers, get it together." I perk my head up, for the first time in a long time Thor seems like he has it all together. I look to Clint hoping he'll be able to give insight that might corroborate this theory.

"We can't get her back." He leaves his statement quickly not leaving room for much questioning.

Thor asks anyways. "Wha- what?"

"It can't be undone." Clint throws his arms out wanting us to drop the subject, "It can't." He turns back out to the water, clearly lost in his memories as I have been.

I hear Thor laugh dryly. I turn to him suddenly completely unnerved by his sense of humor at the moment. Seeing my aggressive move he eases back, "I'm sorry. No offense, but you're a very earthly being. Okay? We're talking about space magic. And "can't" seems very definitive don't you think?"

Clint turns very frustrated to Thor. He pinches the bridge of his nose, "Look, I know that I'm way outside my paygrade here. But she still isn't here, is she?"

"Now that's my point..." Thor looks around the group for support but no one is joining it.

Clint is up from his seat now. "It can't... be undone. Or that's at least what the, great floating guy had to say." He raises his voice to a shout now, "Maybe you wanna go talk to him? Okay? Go grab your hammer, and you go fly and you talk to him." All of his anger is released and quickly replaced by grief. I reach over and grab his hand that loosely hangs at his side as he continues. "It was supposed to be me..." His words rock me to the core. If I had gone I could've stopped it, or changed something. Clint squeezes my hand. "She sacrificed her life for that goddamned stone. She bet her life on it." I wish I had gone. I squeeze my eyes shut and lower my head thinking about all the possibilities.

I'm startled as Bruce grabs a bench and hurls it clear across the lake. His anger spent, he turns back to us downtrodden with a resigned look on his face. "She's not coming back. We have to make it worth it. We have to."

"We will." Tony says, speaking for the first time. He stands up, "And we're gonna start right now." Without another word to any of us he leaves the dock and heads back for the base. Clint's hand is still in mine and even as Bruce, Thor, and Steve retreat back up the hill he doesn't budge. When they're out of sight he lets himself fall beside me.

"I tried... It should've been me. I should've made it be me." I'm still not entirely sure what their trial was, but the way Clint has acted I'm sure it was traumatizing.

"I should've gone." I whisper. He sits straight up.

"Nothing would have changed... A sacrifice needed to be made and she made it..." It's all he says and I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it. I let my grief fall to the wayside and gather him in for a tight embrace. I feel his shoulders heave once and then the quiet sobs come. To have Clint in my arms this way breaks my heart. We'd both lost our best friend, we'd both lost family. I hold him tighter as I think about all we've been through. 

Completely cutting off his emotion he stops his crying in a split second. Pulling away from me I can finally see his red eyes, which scream for revenge. "Let's go fix this goddamn mess. I won't lose anyone else to this. I can't and I won't." He gets up and leaves me with my thoughts once again going to the other side of the dock.

I turn back out to the open water. Clint had saved her once, sacrificed every ounce of his safety for her when he took her from Russia. Everyone upstairs had sacrificed life and limb for me throughout the years, but I don't know if I could ever be brave enough or selfless enough to sacrifice that much. It's a real question with an answer that I'm sure is inevitable. I look over my shoulder at Clint thinking about when he and Nick saved me from Pierce and yet I still don't have a definite answer.