Bound By Purpose

1964: Waking Up to Another Nightmare

Realization hits me with such a force that I'm awoken with a vicious start with a giant breath of air. I fling myself into a sitting position and proceed to throwing up all over the beside the bed. I then fall into a fit of coughing and nearly fall out of the bed, however hands are there to stop me from keeling over. Concerned eyes meet mine when I open my own. 

"Thank God." He says pulling me into a hug.

"Howard. What the hell happened?" I ask as if he knows. He pulls back keeping a hand on my shoulder.

"What the hell happened? You were left on the doorstep and passed out in our arms... You've been out for nearly two weeks now. It's January 20th 1964."

If i'd been out two weeks that means I was in the base for a good deal longer than I had thought... The base. Howard must see some recognition in me now because he asks the question again, this time softer. "What happened?"

"Bucky." Is all I can say as I try to put together the pieces of our last moments before he left. It's all a bit fuzzy bu considering I was under for two whole weeks it's not surprising. I know  he thinks I'm crazy so I just continue. "He was there." 

"Not possible. Evelyn you've been under the influence of a very strong drug, you had to of dreamt this."

"He was there. I didn't realize it at first, but he saved me..." My voice trails off. "And then he left me."

"You think Bucky was the one who left you in the snow? Evelyn you were alone."

I'm very frustrated all of a sudden. There is no reason for him to believe me, but I want him to. I need him to. "Who knocked on the door then? It obviously wasn't me. I was perfectly sound of mind throughout my mission." That's a lie and he sees right through it.

"Really because the brain scans I just did showed some major disturbances..." He pauses and then continues. "They knew about you don't they. They know what you are." The sentence blazes.

"What I am?" I ask. "They were well aware before I got there and for your information they have their own system being worked out right now..."

"They have their own supers soldiers?" He sounds surprised.

He's unbelievable. "They're close on multiple fronts and that's just the German side. The Russians already have one."

"Bucky?" He might actually believe me.

"Yes." I whisper. "He couldn't remember me." The tears come.

"You don't have to..." I hold up a hand.

"Yes, I do." I take a deep breath and begin from the beginning. I tell him about the fight in the bar, the cell, the other fight, the shocks, and the eventual realization and escape. He listens throughout and for once I feel as if Howard actually cares.

"Evelyn... I don't know what to say."

"Tell me that we can go back for him. That we're in Europe somewhere and that he's right around the corner. Please, he was right there and he remembered and I can't just leave him knowing that he's still out there."

"He drugged you and left you on the ground."

"Because he was afraid of coming back into the real world." I'd come to terms with this in my head because what he'd said about not being stable in the real world wasn't right to me. 

"Evelyn clearly you've been through hell, and I am so sorry for what you've had to go through, but..." He grabs my hand and maintains eye contact. "It's impossible." I pull my hand from his grasp.

"You have no idea what I've been through these past years, what I've seen. My whole life passes before my eyes. Peggy is gone engaged. You, you have Maria..."

"What life Evelyn. You said it yourself years ago that there was no purpose for yourself, that's why you're doing this. Remember? Where could you possibly be now that you weren't before."

"I've seen impossible things Howard, as have you. Why can't you believe me now when it could truly mean everything to me?" 

He shakes his head at me. "He is gone Evelyn!" He nearly shakes my shoulders but then he remembers the state I'm in and settles down. "Whatever they did in there to you... It's messed with your sanity."

"You know nothing of the horrors and the pain they put me through, he goes through the same thing, every day." 

Getting up from his chair he rubs the back of his head and takes a few steps away from me."You sound crazy, listen to yourself, please just entertain for a moment that you were imagining things."

"No. No I can't do that. It was him. Howard please even if you don't believe me at least help me be able to get back there."

"I can't."

"Why not. I've given everything, including my life to you and your project. Why can't you help me with this."

"Because..." He takes his seat beside me again. "Evelyn, as you know, there's been efforts to transition SHIELD into a non war time agency." The abrupt change in the conversation takes me aback. "We've successfully made that transition in the past few weeks... As a founder I've had to come clean with everything I've been doing here." I feel my heart stop quickly. 

"Me. You told the government about me." My breathing starts to pick up. When I first went under, I knew I would be safe and tucked away from public eyes, even with the conception of SHIELD. I thought I'd be safe from the government's eyes, but I suppose I was wrong.

"They know about the Germans and the Russians and their efforts to create a super soldier. They think..."

"Just say it." 

"They want to put you away for good."

"Prison? I've done nothing against my country nor anyone here..." He holds up a hand to stop me.

"They want to put you under. They say the threat is too high right now to have an American super soldier at risk of study. Eve, knowing that they had you for weeks confirms this. The world is at such a dangerous place right now that I kinda agree with them. We have you, we know how to create people like you. The Russians, they're hot on our trail, but they're not there yet. We can't risk anything." 

"Everything. Everything I've done has been for my country. I've killed, lied, lost everyone I've ever cared about for this cause, and now they want me to give up my freedoms." I look up. "Why don't they just kill me?"

"Some of the Government officials, including the President, feel that keeping you around would be beneficial, especially if we fail at keeping the Russians at bay... Plus Peggy and I wouldn't let them kill you." He tries to smile and then sighs. 

I lay my head back on my pillow. Anything for my country, I tell myself. I think about what Bucky would do, what Steve would do? Anything for their country. I slightly nod and turn back to Howard. "Do I at least get to say goodbye to parents? To Peggy?"

He looks down guiltily. "I tried. I really really tried."

I laugh, at this point I can't feel anything but humor. "Who are these sons of bitches?" 

"I suppose it's the government..." He looks up. "This one is on us... on SHIELD."