Bound By Purpose

1979: Life Passes By

I regain consciousness as I feel hands catch me. I'm lowered slowly to the ground and rolled onto my back. When I open my eyes there are a few people around me but they've created distance, all except one. Leaning over me is an older, grayer, Howard Stark. I know I've been gone a good deal longer than usual this time, my head hurts and there's a dizziness even while laying on the floor. I rub my forehead and eyes with the palms of my hands trying to rub away the ache.

I squirm for a moment from the general discomfort but then push myself up. Howard grabs my left elbow and shoulder helping me to stand. I hadn't focused on his expression until now. Instead of the usual hopeful smirk I see a saddened frown and red eyes. I open my mouth to speak but I can't find the words. He leads me to a cushioned chair nearby and sits me down. He kneels down slowly and grips my hands. He looks at me calculating, and in that moment I see a much wiser man than who I knew years ago.  I smile, and finally find my words. "You got married didn't you." I laugh, and I watch as he cracks a small smile.

"You could tell after a few seconds?"

"It looks like you've had a kid as well. You're hair is grayer and..." I touch his cheek. "You're eyes are much wiser."

He smiles a little brighter and then looks down. "You know Maria. And yes, I have a son, his name is Anthony and he's 9." 

This makes my own smile disappear. "How long have I been gone this time." I say a little more calculated.

His expression is now back to the depressed wrinkled form it had been before. He pats my clasped hands. "It's 1979."

Reality hits. "15 years." I whisper. I remember the day I went back under... "Why am I awake?" I ask startled. "Have you found him? The War is it over?" He shakes his head, and suddenly his eyes are brimmed with tears.

"Evelyn..." He looks at me for a brief second then continues. "Your parents have passed away."

I feel myself shake and then my head falls into my hands and I begin to weep. How could I possibly feel so much for two people I hadn't seen for nearly 20 years, people I hadn't even gotten the liberty to think about or care for. It's odd to explain what I'm feeling, I don't think anyone could quite ever understand.

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My hand grips the old mahogany railing of the staircase of childhood. Upon entering back into this cruel world I'd discovered my parents were dead and already gone. They'd been buried a day before I'd been awoken and according to Howard they'd died in a car crash. I never got to say goodbye, they probably didn't even know I was just a few streets away from home, or even alive for that matter. I take a deep breath and then slowly take the steps. I have no interest to see the house... Except for my room which would have been left alone for 20 years now.

Howard and company have left me alone to my house before I meet them at the cemetery. I look down at myself and the clothes I'd been put into. Evidently it's normal for women to wear pants now. Yes thank you. Carter is president, but a man named Ronald Reagan has just won the election and it seems he'll be well accepted. The Cold War isn't over but it's cooling down. I evidently missed the entirety of a war in Vietnam and the fact that we went to the moon. I roll my eyes at all the things I missed. The thinking has wasted a good amount of time though because I've reached my door.

I freeze inches from the doorknob. My house is so quiet. It had gotten quieter and quieter through the years as Steve, Bucky, and I had grown up, but now it's silent. I tighten a grip on the door handle and force my way in. I flick on the light and walk in as if I were coming home from a day at school. My room hasn't changed. There's a few boxes stacked in the corner near the foot of my bed but other than that it's just as I remember it. The window seat where I cried after the attack on Pearl, and where I watched my father leave for too many military trips, still has the same blue fabric covering it. I turn my attention to my dresser and spy papers and other things left behind. I sit down slowly in front of my mirror. I let my hands find the stack of papers that I'd thrown away years and years ago. Obviously someone had thought they were too important to throw away on a whim. They are all neatly pressed in a stack, dried tears and all. Letters dated from the 40's and earlier. I flip through them quickly not really wanting to open old wounds. As I flick to the paper in the back something falls between the pages and hits the glass top of my dresser. A glint of blue shines as my thumb rids of the dust. The necklace I'd been given my 16th birthday. A little part of my old self I might  just be able to hold onto. I grasp it tight and drop it into my jacket pocket.

I look up at myself in the mirror and see the same girl as the one in the family pictures in the hallway. I have longer hair, but it still bares it's dark brown color and it's natural waves. It's 1979 and I should be nearing 60 years now. There are no new wrinkles or gray in my hair. The only age you can see is in my eyes. Sadness overtook them a long long time ago. 

I bury my head in my hands as emotions and memories overtake me. The last few times I was in this room I was full of rage and only felt sadness and anger. I left everything in disarray when I left to get back in. I didn't ever say goodbye to my parents or to Peggy or Rebecca or anyone for that matter. My mind then turns towards Bucky, and the memories lighten up. His smiling face takes the place of the burning regret and gradually encourages me to lift my head. All the time spent in front of this mirror to get ready to go out with him fills the gaps in my memories. The phantom heaviness on my ring finger pulls me to the present where I find myself rubbing where my ring used to sit on my finger. Oh that beautiful ring. 

Suddenly I find myself pulling at the drawer beside me. Long ago I'd flung it inside with the hope of it finally giving me closure. Right now I needed it. I needed something from my old life to ground me again, to remind me that I was still alive and that my purpose for everything... My thoughts are interrupted when I see the empty drawer. "No." I whisper. The people had cleaned and left everything except for the most important thing in the room. Frantically I drop to my knees so I can see to the back of the drawer. 

"Your mother..." A voice calls from behind me. I reach for my hip as I turn as if I'd had a gun on a holster there. Habit I suppose...

"Excuse me?" I ask, no longer alarmed looking at the girls face.

"Your mother and I." The woman takes a step away from the door frame. "We cleaned and salvaged what we could." She comes all the way over and opens her palm. My ring sits there.

"Where?" I ask breathless. "How'd you get that?"

She smiles sadly. "I didn't think you'd recognize me. They told me you wouldn't." She puts the ring in my hand and then closes my hand over it. 

"That was my brothers ring, your ring." My gaze darts to her face. Behind the age and the graying hair I see the young girl I frantically tried to comfort in her greatest time of sorrow. A girl that I promised to be there for.

"Rebecca."

"Hello, Evelyn." I'm left to look at her in shock while she smiles down at me.