Bound By Purpose

1963: Slowly into the Light

"James." I say again. It's not a question, it's a statement waiting for a reaction. I see something familiar flash in his eyes, but he still stands like a brick wall and makes no move for me. I don't know what to do, or what to say. The man I'd missed for nearly 20 years was here in front of me and can't even say who I am. "What did they do to you?" Breaking I close the few feet between us and throw my arms around his neck. I hang there unmoving until I feel one arm wrap around me. Slowly but surely he pulls me to him. I almost let out a cry but I stomach the sound and instead bury my face into his shoulder. It's a moment before I realize he's shaking in my arms.

I let myself untangle from him and guide him to the floor where he buries his head in his hands. I don't know what to do, but sit beside him. His mind must be tearing itself into pieces, and that tares me apart. I slowly reach out a hand and rest it gently on his left knee. I look away but am forced to look back when I feel a familiar hand on mine. His hands are now free from his face and I can actually see the slight glistening of tears that went down his cheeks. "What happened to you?" I ask nearly breaking from the pain of realization that he may be beyond repair.

He lifts my hand from it's perch and studies it trying to stay in the reality that I'm with him. "I don't know." He can't look at me. " I remember falling, and then... Everything after that is in fragments."

There is silence between us, the base light years away. He lets out a breath and then speaks again. "You... We... We were going to marry?"

I smile for the first time and nod. "Yes. You proposed to me before you left for war." I reach for my ring finger but my fingers stop when I remember that I don't wear it anymore.

He nods slightly and manages a smile. "The moment I saw you I knew I knew you from somewhere. Pieces come and go from my past sometimes, but I feel like you're always there. How long did we know each other?"

Realization that he still doesn't know me makes me bite my lip. "Since we were kids." I say. I turn away so he won't see any tears that might slip out.

"I'm sorry. For everything you've gone through here. I'm sorry I can't remember." I whip my head around quickly certainly giving him a fright.

I shake my head. "It's not your fault." I turn my entire body to him and scoot over on my knees. I run my hands through his hair and then rest my hands on his cheeks. All for which he remains ridged still. "Nothing that has been done to you or me is your fault." He pushes my hands down and away from him.

"I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. My mind is being torn in a million pieces as if I'm under right now. As if they're tearing and replacing right now."

"If you need one thing to clear your head... Know that you are James Buchanan Barnes. You are the best man I've ever met and I trust you with my life, even now." I could've told him that I loved him more than anything in this world. I could've told him about us when our futures were certain and we were happy, but I realized in that moment that we had both changed and the meaning of those memories could no longer mean the same to him or I. He nods once in acknowledgement. I don't need him to remember, just to believe in my words. "Now," I say getting up. "How are we getting out of here."

"Up." He points up a ladder that leads to a catwalk and a hatch.

He leads the way and I follow. Neither of us speak a word, there's a million things that need saying but not the time nor the interest. Once on the walkway over the pit below he pulls out a duffel from between two large grates and opens it up. A large coat and pair of boots take up the majority of the space but there are also a few guns and small weapons. Obviously he had planned this escape route for just himself. He hands me the coat and boots surprisingly. Before objecting I see that he's better equipped for whatever weather we will encounter outside than I am. The boots and coat are a few sizes to big, but they will suffice. I wouldn't be able to do much combat or running in my current condition without their bulkiness anyway so I can only gain the slightest comfort. What I said before about trusting him wholeheartedly still applies. He's taken most of the weapons but he does hand me a small hand gun. Opening the hatch with ease he pulls himself up and out. I stand directly beneath it. "Wait here." He whispers. I laugh at the fact that this never would have been an option before. I never listened then. I have become a bit more disciplined now and in my condition... I look imagine the old scars on my arms to the new bruises. I don't even want to know what the rest of my body looks like. There's no more time to worry about however because Bucky's face has emerged from the gray backdrop of the clouds high above. He reaches down his enhanced arm and is able to pull me up smoothly and quickly with it.

It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the snowy surroundings after who knows how long darkness. There are a few dropped guards here and there. Undoubtedly dead, broken necks and backs, silent kills. I stare at the back of the man in front of me. Would Bucky have done the same. Yes. Yes, I decide. To save me he would've done anything. There's a large snowmobile with a cabin and large treads that I'd seen being driven around in town. He effortlessly pulls me into the cabin and the soft wind from outside ceases. I push my hood back and snuggle into the large passenger seat. I lay my head and close my eyes feeling safe. I feel the engine start and then the treads begin moving us forward across untouched snow. I look out the back window at the perfect marks left behind and quietly thank God for saving me and bringing Bucky back to me no matter the damage. "You'll be wanting my rendezvous point then?"

"I know where it is." Is all he says. Yes I suppose spying would be part of his job description. I just laugh and rest my head on the back of my seat. "You can sleep. We won't have any more trouble." I dozed off as if on command.

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I wake as we pull up to the sight. An old motel no longer in operation. I feel reinvigorated but the phantom electricity has made a comeback to make my arms shake. Bucky opens my door and I force them to stop. I look up ready to give him a smile, but all hope goes out of me as I see that he has put his mask back on. My feet hit the ground and then I feel a sting in my neck. I stare up at the eyes of a broken man. "I'm so sorry." He says as he helps me to the ground. The needle takes immediate effect. Feeling my head swirl I don't let my grip loosen on his hand.

"Why?" I whisper as my head hits the freezing snow. He leans beside me in the snow stroking my hair with his hand. I hear him speak through his mask as I fade from reality. "Because I cannot trust myself... I know what you said about me, and now I have that, but Evelyn my dear beautiful Evelyn I cannot trust myself around you and your life."

"We can help you." I gasp out.

He leans down to kiss me on the forehead. "My love, there are things I still need to do, things you can't understand, things I wouldn't ever want you to understand. Go and live your life, say hello to my family and to Steve, not for me, I won't remember a thing about them soon. Say hello to them for yourself, and know that you helped me more than I thought possible.

I open my mouth planning to beg, plead, explain that I could never live a normal life now, that Steve is dead, and that I am alone, but I am only able to squeak out four words. "But I love you."

"I know you do, and that's why I can't stay, because for now I can't possibly say it back honestly." He leaves me then, in the snow. I hear the crunch of his shoes and then my secret knock on the door and then there is silence. He knew where to go and what to do and he remembered, and yet he left me again. I feel the icy shock of fresh tears rolling down my cheeks, as I hear more footsteps crunching through the snow. My eyes are frozen open to three very familiar faces with shock painted across them. None of them are Bucky and I know none of them ever will be. I let my eyes close as the hands of safety hoist me up.