I know I haven't posted in such a long time.
I want to apologise for everything. I want to say I'm sorry.
It's too much pressure. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't know when I'll have a break down, maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a year, who fucking knows?! And who fucking cares?! Am I crazy? Maybe, who cares anyways? So what if my time is coming to an end? I'm starting to hate so many things that I'm already making a plan on leaving everything behind when I hit 18 years old and I'm considered an adult or, why not, in a tragic 'accident'. I want to run away, either if I'm alive and I run away in another part of the Earth or if I'm dead and run away in another universe, who cares?!
I'm not making any sense, but who cares? I sure as fuck don't. I sure as hell don't care anymore! Nope. Not at all.
I'm sick for 3 months now but no one cares, right? I still fuck up everything. I still am a mistake, I still do stupid shit just to make people laugh and after that to be called an idiot, a weird person with no future. Everyone thinks that I'm not good at anything, but that's okay because who the hell cares, right?! No one! So, if I'm going to be such an awful adult or person why not get rid of me? Because it's not moral? Because it won't be moral at all to get rid of your own child or of your own friend, even though you don't think they can go far? Even though you think that they are not worth anything?
Listen here, instead of pretending to care just fucking say it to their face 'I don't believe in you' or 'I don't want you' instead of giving all this cold treatment, applying so much mental pressure on them, always giving them the cold shower and when they finally do something new and cool and great with their life you start to feel all proud of them because you 'know' them or because you 'raised' them.
Everyone has problems. Sometimes mental problems. I have prblems, I know it God damn well, everyone says it, everyone notices it but who cares right? No one cares until it comes to the 'oh, okay, I'm just gonna kill myself, buh-bai' part. And everyone is like 'oh, no, you're a great person, you're amazing'.
Getting called daily an 'idiot' or 'worthless' for little mistakes or for being insecure for something isn't going to make anyone be like 'Oh my gosh, Martha, you are right! Please accept my sorry ass apologies because I'm a total moron and I would like you to yell some more at me when I'm wrong!'? Getting called an 'idiot' or 'worthless' daily isn't going to improve anyone's behaviour or skills. Too much pressure. SO MUCH FUCKING PRESSURE.
