How I hate him - ft. Luke Hemmings and 5sos

Ignoring

Writing an essay was not my thing, especially not when my teacher announced that it had to be about feelings you have for someone. And I was even less amused when he announced that we had to read it out loud in front of the whole class. Public speaking was something I definitely did not want to do. Second of all, I had written my essay about Luke, which I regretted the moment I walked up front. My essay was written in the moment I felt the most outraged about Luke, which had been a lot lately. 

Although using a name was forbitten, I could tell about the way it was written, that he would know it was about him. My knees hadn't stopped shaking since the moment I walked into the classroom. The paper sheet suddenly felt heavy in my hands, but I held on to make my hands shake a little less.

Luke and I had been ignoring each other for the whole week now and we hadn't spoken since our fight, which was fine by me. However, the conversation with Michael had stuck with me. Even though it wasn't my intention, I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said to me about Luke. The moments I wasn't busy, my mind wandered back to the look in Luke's blue eyes when we had that argument. 

Why did I even decide to write about him? He would know it was about him. He was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. This would get me in a lot of trouble. Not that yelling wasn't common between the two of us, but I was still afraid that he would use this against me.

"I don't like the word hate," I started, my voice sounding a little too croaked for my liking, "And I try to use it as little as possible. But in this case, I guess I have to say that I hate someone. How can you not despise someone who has picked on you since you were six years old? How can you hate someone since the day you met?"
I didn't dare look up, but I felt Luke's eyes boring into me. 
"We don't fight but we don't talk either. We ignore each other as much as we can. I don't like his attitude, and he doesn't like mine. I don't even know why. And we're never going to be friends. That's fine with me. He's fine with that too. I guess you can never get over the first thing someone said to you. Even if that was eleven years ago."

I finished speaking but didn't have the courage to look up when I walked back, but I felt Luke's stare in my back. He stood up right when I sat down and our shoulders brushed against each others. And when he finally spoke, I instantly knew that he was talking about me.

"There's this girl who thinks I hate her."
Here we go, I thought to myself, unleash the beast. He was going to burn me down in front of the whole class, but I wasn't going to let it get to me. I had let him get the best of me for long enough now.
"I don't hate her. I don't. I really don't. She hates me. I know that because she told me, and she has every reason to. I have been nothing but hateful towards her from the day we first met. I don't know why. At first I was sure it was just me being childish, but now that I'm older I guess I can't hide behind that anymore. However, I'm not gonna lie and say it didn't hurt me when she finally said she hates me, because it did. She knows this is about her and she's probably going to hate me even more now. But at least I want to take this moment to apologize to her, as far as that's possible. She's not going to accept it. And that's okay, because how can you not hate someone that acted like this towards her?"

Pushing my nails into my hands I made every effort to not speak up. My feelings were really conflicted. I felt angry, then a little bit of empathy, and then I got angry again. By now everyone probably knew it was about me and he could've chosen any moment to apologize to me. But he chose to do it publically. Even though I did the same thing to him, what he did was way worse.

Was he really that hurt about me? He couldn't be. The Luke I had always known had no feelings except for hate. I just didn't know how I could possibly believe in the words he just said. When the bell finally rang - it seemed like ages went by before that happened - I couldn't wait to tell Alyssa and Mila about what happened in class, but I didn't get the chance. Luke sat at a table just a little further away with his friends. When his eyes met mine, I quickly averted my gaze. The one thing I wanted to do right now was to never see him again.
But when I looked up again I saw Michael whispering something in Luke's ear. Just a little later Luke stood up and started walking in my direction. "Oh no, what do I do?" I whispered and considered walking away, but it was too late. He already stood in front of my table. It was like the dude had giraffe legs.