How I hate him - ft. Luke Hemmings and 5sos

Hospital. Again

"Luke tried to kill himself."

Those words, spoken to me by his mum, caused me to immediately fall down. My legs just gave out and refused to function. Sam tried to help me up, but I was paralysed by shock. I just sat on the ground, crying silently. Liz spoke to me, but my phone had fallen too and her voice just faded to the background. Sam picked it up and continued the conversation while I was unable to speak.
He walked out of the room and a little later he came back.
"It was Luke's mum," he sat down beside me, "Luke... he took too many sleeping pills. She found him yesterday night in his bed, barely breathing. He's in the hospital and has just woken up. Do you want me to bring you here? Apparently he asked for you."
"He asked for me?" I finally looked up in surprise. After all that happened, we made a deal that we wouldn't speak to each other anymore. I was a little shocked that he asked for me. But, no matter the distance between us, he asked for me. After what he had just done, I had to go. Truth was, I didn't know if I should really go. Maybe it would be better to leave him so he could deal with this with someone else supporting him. 
However, I nodded and Sam helped me up, not wasting any time. Him being so involved suprised me, but apparently this had shocked him too. He drove faster than the speed limit, but despite the usual thrill of being on a motorcycle, I was still numb with shock. Surprisingly, Sam did all the talking for me, and just a little later I was allowed into Luke's room.

"You should go in alone. I don't think he'd want to see me. I'll wait for you outside." He hugged me before I quietly opened the door. The atmosphere already felt cold and weird, and so did I. Grabbing the door handle firmly in my hand, I braced myself. How would someone look like after a failed suicide attempt? What is one supposed to say?

Luke was very pale and it seemed like he was sleeping. He had an IV attached to him and the heart monitor was beeping softly. Even though his eyes were closed, I could see that he had dark circles under them. His usually curly hair now hung limply over his eyes and he seemed more like a little boy than an eighteen year old. 
Not wanting to disturb him, I quietly walked over to the bad. He then opened his eyes.
"Hey." he croaked and reached for my hand. I carefully grabbed it, not wanting to cause him any pain. He seemed to be in a lot of pain already: it was almost unbearable for me to watch. I was lost for words, while Luke tried to smile.
"I'm sorry." he said and I looked at him. 
"For what?"
"For this..."
"No, you don't have to be sorry. It was me that cause you to do this, wasn't it?" It suddenly made some sort of sense: all this mess had been caused by me and me being unable to forgive him!
I choked back tears.
After a moment, Luke slowly nodded. "Kind of. But you're absolutely not to blame. But you should know, I saw you yesterday with Sam... I just..."
He had started crying and I wiped the tears away with my sleeve. Now I was trying even harder not to cry. Seeing Luke cry was really hard, because if he did, it was bad. 
"They had to empty my stomach," he sighed, "And I have to see a therapist. Can you believe that? I'm not mentally ill."
I nodded and told him I knew that - although I really doubted it - but that seeing a therapist would be better than dealing with this on his own. Something inside him made him do this and the risk of him doing it again would increase if he didn't figure out a way to deal with this. 
Despite his weakness, Luke rolled his eyes at me. However, he was not able to argue with me.

"Well, I don't know," he clearly wanted to drop the topic, "You like Sam, don't you."
"I really don't know, Luke," I explained in all honesty, "Why?"
"It's just that I can't see you two being together. But of course that's none of my business."

Just after that, Sam knocked on the door. He awkwardly looked at Luke when I let him in and said, "Hey man." Luke didn't answer, only gave him a faint smile. That was more than I expected from him, and although this wasn't the best situation, I was glad that they weren't being vile to each other.
Sam then asked me to come with him. As a form of goodbye I squeezed Luke's hand, not knowing the appropiate thing to do. Everything form of touching felt like too much, especially with him being so vunerable.

"Okay, I have to say this," Sam puffed his cheeks when we sat down outside the room, "Jessy, I really like you, but I'm not stupid. I can see that you and Luke can't live without each other. He definitely made a point now, and I know you feel the same way. Whether it's hate or love, the two of you can't live with or without each other. I can see that and I don't want to be in your way as you figure it out. So," he sighed, "I should let you go for now. Maybe we'll be friends in the future and I'll always be hoping we'll be more than friends, but not at the moment."

With that being said he squeezed my hand and walked away, leaving me completely devastated. I knew he wanted me to choose between Luke and him, but I really could not handle the thought of losing one of them. What Sam had just told me was the truth. They were both important to me, but in a different way. Had Sam not been there for me the past weeks, I would have broken down completely. But I wasn't sure that my feelings for him were strong enough for me to have a relationship with him. Those feelings had belonged to Luke. That didn't mean I immediately knew how to feel about Luke. 
Being together again was impossible right now: he had stuff to figure out and I did, too. And we had to do that on our own.

After letting Luke know I was leaving, I walked down the stairs. I then walked half an hour home, letting my feelings eat me alive.
How did my life get so complicated? Maybe it wasn't, and I just made it. Either way, I didn't know.