How I hate him - ft. Luke Hemmings and 5sos

Choosing

Almost a week had gone by since I last spoke to Sam or Luke. Sam had ignored my texts and calls, and he tried really hard to avoid me at school. All of that was depressing because now it was crystal clear that he had offered me an ultimatum. He wanted me to choose between him or Luke, something I didn't even want to do!
As for Luke, I had decided to limit the contact with him. He hadn't been at school for a week; he had to physically recover from the attempt at home, and he had to attend therapy three times a week. The latter he liked to complain about, when I spoke to him all he did was whine about how he thought this wasn't fair. I disagreed with him, though. This wasn't something to be taken lightly, and the time of him pretending to be tough was over. He had to focus on getting better, and because I had played a part in his attempt, we shouldn't talk to focus.

However, without the two of them to talk to, school was rather boring. Even with Alyssa and Mila being supportive, the conversations with guys were always different. Sam had been a great deal of support the past weeks, and now that was gone. 

To take my mind off things I visisted Louis as much as the nurses let me. We would just hang out and not mention too much about mental health. Of course I hadn't told him about Luke. Louis still didn't have a release date, and talking about suicide may be triggering for him. When the two of us spent time together, Louis would read or draw and I would sit on the opposite end of the couch, doing my homework. His therapist wanted him to be as productive as possible, and they mentioned to me that he was making progress. He was suprisingly good at maths, so he would occasionally help me with that.
When one of us was bored with reading, drawing, or homework, we would play games or watch movies. A lot of the time we wouldn't even speak to each other, but with him, it was comfortable. 

Today we were in the mood for watching a movie. Just when we had picked one, my phone went off. It was Sam and I pressed the answer-button as fast as I could.
"Hello?" I answered, my voice shaky.
"I want to talk. I'm outside the gate." He simply said and hung up. I stared at the blank phone, and Louis asked me what was going on.
"Then go," He told me as I explained, "Maybe he wants to fix things. I'll be fine, really." 
Without saying another word he went back to reading. This was his sign that he didn't give me a choice. I walked outside with wobbly knees. Sam and I both awkwardly greeted each other with a small wave. In the past, we would've hugged as a form of greeting. But we were past that now. 
Waiting for him to start talking, I rocked back and forth.
"Well... I wanted to talk to you and just figure things out. This isn't really working for the both of us."
I nodded, after which he continued.
"I don't want all of this - the avoiding and everything. The point is, I like you more than as a friend. And I figured that you don't feel the same about that. At my party, I was almost sure that  you also liked me, but then Luke came back, and when I looked at you, I saw hate for Luke, but also love. As someone who knows you, I can see that and I don't want you to make the wrong decision just because you don't want to hurt me. So I made it for you. I... I have to let you go. Maybe it's better to not talk for a while until you have everything figured out. And it's better for me to hide my feelings and hope they go away. I'm sorry. I really am."
To my surprise he gave me a hug and looked at me. That was when I saw the tears in his eyes. Seeing him so hurt made me break down. Tears started to spill and I sank down onto the ground. It was like the end of a dramatic movie: he kissed me one last time, drove awway, and left me crying on the cold hard ground. I sat in the rain until I felt two arms around me that lifted me up. They carried me inside, and that was when I realised that I was frozen. My legs were too weak to hold me up. I blinked the tears away and looked into Louis's beautiful eyes. 

"Jessy? How do you feel?" he asked and I shrugged. 
"Empty, I guess. Thanks for bringing me back inside." I said and he gave me an empathetic smile. He then grabbed my hand, which surprised me as he had never done that before.
"Your clothes are soaking wet. Come upstairs, I have a shirt for you. I don't want you to get a cold."
I raised my eyebrows at the nurse who stood close by, and she indicated that it was okay to go upstairs. Usually the patient rooms were off-limit to visitors, but apparently me freezing gave me an excuse. 
Louis handed me a long-sleeved Avengers t-shirt and waited outside until I had changed into it. This had been the first time I had seen his room. It was very clean - hospital level clean - and there were a couple of drawings and posters on his wall. 
One picture caught my attention. It was a picture of a younger looking Louis and a girl, and he had his arm around her. She was very pretty and I wondered who it was. Maybe his sister, or even a girlfriend? They didn't look alike, so I couldn't tell.
"Jessy? Can I come in?" Louis knocked on the door. 
"Right, sorry. Come in." I told him. He and my mum came walking in and I could see that Louis already explained what happened. 
We all walked downstairs and my mum just kept saying thank you to Louis.
When I was about to close the door of the car Louis hugged me and I assured him that I would visit him whenever I could. He told me he would like that, and that he was going to be okay.

Though I saw in his eyes that he was not okay...