How I hate him - ft. Luke Hemmings and 5sos

Secrets

Just as I expected, Mila and Alyssa fired questions at me the next morning. My attempt at covering the bruises hadn't worked: Alyssa dropped her bag when she saw me, and Mila gasped out in shock. "You look like you've joined a fight club." She half-joked, but still had a shocked look on her face. 
Sam, who stood next to me, had already asked me to not tell them anything. Not that I wanted to anyway, but I also respected his wish. 
"Sorry, I can't tell you," I told them, "I really can't. Please don't ask me anything else."
They knew me well enough to know that I was serious, and they dropped the topic. My head still hurt and I quickly zoned out. 
Sam's party was the next day and I had no clue how to cover up the bruises. Another thing bothered me as well: Luke was coming home on Saturday. Knowing my boyfriend, he wouldn't take this lightly. He and Sam weren't on the best terms already, and the last thing I wanted was to make matters worse. If Luke found out, he would take this out on Sam. 

As if reading my thoughts, my phone lit up with a text from Luke. Hey babe, how are you? Sorry I don't have much time for you, but I'll be back soon xx  

My feelings about it were conflicted. I was happy to hear from him, but I still doubted him. After our strange latest phone call, my trust in him had failed me. Besides, I was still a little mad at him. I didn't know what to answer him, so I opened the text I had gotten from Louis. 
Hey Jessy, I just wondered if you were okay. I hope you are...

To: Louis - Hi, yes I'm fine, thanks for asking. How are you doing today? - Jessy

I saw the familiar three dots to indicate that he was typing, but I didn't get an actual text back. Then I remembered the limited time that the patients had on their cell phones. Plus they were under strict supervision, so I didn't think too much about it. 
However it immediately sparked the idea that I was going to visit him after school. My mum agreed to drive me there, and when she drove away I wondered if this was really a good idea. 
After what seemed like forever, the gate opened just enough for me to get in. It was like they were afraid someone would run away. Which I completely understood.
I spotted Louis sitting near the fountain. He didn't see me as he was cleaning his glasses, so I went in first to let one of the nurses know I was here for him. She told me where to find him - not hard as I already saw him on my way in, and as I walked up to him, he looked up in surprise. 
"Jessy?" he asked and I hugged him. Hugging strangers wasn't really my thing, but he looked as if he needed a hug. He pulled back, but just when I thought that hugging him had scared him, he shyly hugged me back. Clearly he wasn't used to it, and I made a mental note to ask him first the next time I wanted to hug him. 

"How are you?" I sat down next to him. "I'm fine," he said. He was looking at the bruises on my face. Glad that I didn't have to explain, I sighed, "It's bad, I know."
"I'm glad they put Caroline in solitary. She was not in a good state." he told me. After that he remained silent. Usually when I felt uncomfortable, I rambled, but that would maybe scare him off. Instead, I too said nothing.Instead I watched the other people on the lawn while he read a book. Something in me said that he would talk to me if he was ready to do so. 
Him being focussed on the book gave me a good opportunity to really look at him for a while. Even though you could see signs from his past, there was no doubt that he was strikingly handsome. His face had a few remarkable aspects, like the freckles under his eyes. His hair was a little long and he was wearing a blue shirt with long sleeves. Most patients were wearing short sleeves. He was wearing a pair of black Vans. Sam had explained to me that patients were allowed a limited wardrobe, and black clothes weren't allowed because it made it harder to see things hidden underneath. This place might look like a castle, but the people in it lived lives that were nothing like a fairytale. 

"What are you doing?" he asked, closing his book. He was blushing, which indicated that he knew I was looking at him.
"You're handsome," I blurted out, "Please tell me you know that."
Louis raised an eyebrow at me. "You're lying." 
He changed the subject by asking how I knew Caroline.
"Well," I explained, "I don't really know her, but she's my boyfriends ex girlfriend. You probably know the story. And as you know, Sam and I go to the same school."
Louis shook his head. "Caroline barely tells anything about herself. Just like me. We're both not really keen on sharing things." he whispered. 
"You can tell me," I assured him, "It doesn't matter if you don't want to tell me anything, but you're a nice person and I'd like to get to know you."
"You do?" he asked, genuiely seeming surprised. 
"Of course! Tell me whatever you want."
Louis smiled like someone had never said that to him before. And so he started talking. 

"Well, I'll start with the basics then," he said, "Sorry if I can't tell you more, but I'll try.
I was born on the second of July and I'm turning eighteen this year. Growing up, I liked playing soccer and reading, but now I don't like that anymore. Playing soccer, I mean. It's just too physical for me. But I like drawing, so I do that a lot in here," he smiled softly, "I guess I'm kind of a nerd, but not in the 'fun' way. Being social is hard for me, and even though I like contact, it's scary."

"Thank you for talking to me, then. I imagine that it's a big deal to you." I smiled and he took a deep breath. He tugged on his sleeves and I could see that he was starting to panic a little.
"It is," he exhaled, "Okay, if I start having a panic attack, get a nurse, okay? Can I tell you something about the reason I'm in here?" he said and I nodded, already looking around for nurses. I saw one walking around and I hoped she would stay here in the courtyard. If anything went wrong I wouldn't know what to do. 
He took another deep breath and started talking, now in a hushed voice. 

"Well, okay... I have never liked myself, or my body. You just said that I'm handsome, but really, I'm not. I used to be shy and nerdy in school, so naturally I got teased. But three years ago my self esteem was as low as it could get, because by then the real bullying had started. I had just transferred to a new school and nobody there seemed to like me. They called me names and started to get physical. So that's one of the reasons I hate physical contact.
So I... picked up a razor blade. You probably noticed I'm one of the few around here that wear long sleeves."

Seeing that he started to shake a little, I asked him if he would like a hand on his shoulder. He told me he did and continued.

"At first it wasn't bad. It really wasn't, at least I thought it wasn't. I managed to hide it for a year and a half and thought I was doing better. I wasn't because I was still hurting myself. But then one night my sister found me bleeding to the point of unconciousness. I almost bled to death... they all say I'm lucky to survive but I don't feel that way..."

By then, tears had started flowing down my cheeks. 
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. I shouldn't have told you anything. I'm so sorry!" he now panicked, and I frantically started looking for the nurse I'd seen earlier. However, he told me not to get any help. He wanted to be fine on his own. Not sure he was in the position to make that decision, I insisted that he gave me the beeper he had. That way, I could get help if I decided he needed it. 

"No, don't apologize! I'm kind of flattered that you trust me enough to tell me all of this. I just don't think you deserve the pain you've been through and that made me sad for a moment. Honestly, you're probably not going to believe this, you are one of the most amazing people I have ever met."

I looked at him. He was tugging at his sleeves and he quickly hid his arms behind his back. He had calmed down a little, but this conversation had worn him out. Deciding it was time for me to go, I crossed the courtyard to get the nurse and gave Louis a hug. 
When I walked out of the gate and looked back, he was sitting with a sketch pad and a pencil in his hand. 

From the way he kept glancing towards me and then back to the paper, I just knew he was drawing me.