How I hate him - ft. Luke Hemmings and 5sos

Goodbye

"Please Jessy, open up. You know I'm sorry, please let me in!"
Hearing Luke beg from the other side of the door caused me pain and I almost let him. But I couldn't and refused to unlock it.
It was only a day after the disastrous party and I was far from ready to have that final conversation with him just yet. The hangover wasn't helping much too. After all that he did to me, he should've taken some time to think this through. 

After a while of silence I heard a soft sob from outside my bedroom. 
"Please," he pleaded, "I can't take this anymore. I'm so sorry and I don't know what to do without you... Let me in, please."
My heart was breaking, but I couldn't bring myself to be nice to him. In the time I had been with him he had caused me so much pain. Nothing could make me go back to him. 
I sighed, "Well when you were on tour you cheated on me. So you can do without me, can't you? I'm a little done with forgiving you time and time again. It's better that you leave now."

Another silence followed and then I heard Luke walk down the stairs. Resting my head against the door, I wondered if the sigh I just let out was relief or anger. Getting Luke out of my life would be better. My heart had been broken and mended again so many times, and I had to take care of myself now. Falling down on my bed, I just wanted to forget the world for a while.
Later my mum opened the door, finding me still in the same position as I'd been the past hour. I slowly sat up and accepted the letter she had in her hands. It was written by Luke...
Twirling the letter in my hands, I was conflicted about whether or not I should read it or not. My heart said yes, but my head said no. 
My stupid heart won and made me open the letter.

Jessy,
I'm a strong person most of the time, but I can't take this anymore. This whole tough-guy-act is failing me right now. I care about you more than anyone else, believe it or not. I didn't give you any reason to believe me. Ever since I told you that I've been cheating on you I've been laying in my bed, thinking about how I would apologize to you. Apparently you have shut me out already, so here's me trying to say it once again: I'm sorry. I really am. And I do care about you a lot. Do you still care about me?

Cheating on you was so, so wrong and I can't undo that, but I'll do anything to make it right. So, sorry: 
Sorry that I fought with Sam (you clearly care about him a lot and I know that's oine of the main reasons you don't want to talk to me);
Sorry for not telling you about Caroline. I am well aware of what I did to her, and that was wrong. I still hate myself every day for it. I may seem heartless when it comes to her , but I don't want to see her hurt like that;

Sorry for letting you down time and time again.
And sorry for causing you so much pain. You truly are the best girl I have ever met and no one could compare to you.

When all that happened with Caroline, I zoned myself out and everyone else had to clean up the mess I had made. She went through hell and back. My family went through hell. Her family went through hell. Everyone went through hell, except me, it seems. Truth is, I zoned out because I couldn't face it. I couldn't face all the problems I had caused. Never did I give myself the chance to make it right with her. And so I want to amend things with you: not make the mistakes I did with her. So please don't shut me out. Give me the chance and I'll never let  you down again.

All the love, Luke.

This letter was a lot to process. I put it down, not knowing what to do with all this information. One part of me appreciated it, but at the same time, he should have told me all of this in person. Sure, I had shut him out, but that was his own fault. All I knew was that forgiving him was not doable right now. Not yet. I stood up and descended the stairs with wobbly knees. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my coat and walked out the door.

My heart was bouncing in my chest like crazy when I rang the doorbell to Luke's house. As I expected, Luke himself opened the door. It was obvious that he had been crying. He sounded like he was trying hard to choke back the tears. 
"Hey." he awkwardly said.
"Hey," I awkwardly greeted him, "I read your letter, but I'm sorry. I can't forgive you yet. Just... don't try to contact me for a while, okay? We will run into each other at school and that's unavoidable. We may have to deal with dinners, but please, just avoid me. Everyone will know what happened between us, but let's just try and not disrespect each other. I will do my best to avoid you, and I need some distance to figure this all out."

"Okay... so this is goodbye for now?" 
Luke was now choking back tears, ruffling his hand through his hair. I had never seen him looking so un-cool and that kind of broke my heart, but I had to stay strong. If we still had contact, I might just fall for him again. Maybe I'd never stop falling for him, but that wasn't good for either of us. 
"For now." I said and turned around. By then I was holding back tears too, but this time I wasn't letting them flow. Crying over Luke was something I had been doing far too much and I had to be strong for myself. 
And even though it was tempting to lock myself in my room with food and sad movies, I wasn't going to let myself get isolated. 
I called Sam, and luckily he picked up within a matter of seconds. 

"Can you please me at the mall? I need to talk to you..."