Let's Go For A Pint (Vampire/Humor)

3.2 The 6-Inch Piece of Wood

For someone who works at his aunt's Chinese Herbal medicine shop, he sure lives in comfort. The condos in the north of the Metropolis aren't exactly affordable. If he's a witch, per Carmen's constant mention of the weird magical shit, he could make a lot of money just by selling love potions and healing charms. Also curses and poisonous concoctions if someone wanted revenge. Even with my history of pick-pocketing and robbing church collection plates, it wouldn't be enough to afford his condo plus amenities. Fucking inflation.

Something was odd about the entrance to the unit though. While we were waiting for Carmen's friend to answer the door, the piece of wood at the base of the frame piqued my interest. It had quite an intricate design on it. Okay, it might've been drawn on with a Sharpie, but something told me he, or whoever made, it took time into making it. The piece of wood had designs found on old, Celtic books, and some characters, Chinese maybe.

"Carmen, can you read that?" I pointed to a character right in the middle.

"Lena, I may be Chinese, but I can't read Chinese. Don't ask me to say something cool either."

Not long after, her friend opened the door. Standing in front of us was a man who had both Asiatic and European features. He stood on two prosthetic legs and he wasn't afraid to show them off by wearing shorts. He also wore thick-rimmed glasses commonplace in 2000's emo fashion. Guess he didn't get the memo they were no longer in style.

"Evening ladies," he greeted us. Like Carmen he spoke with an accent except his was from Scotland. Or Ireland. You'd think I can tell the difference between these things.

"Are you going to stand in the doorway all night or are you going to let us in?"

He chuckled then opened the door wider. "Of course nae. Please, step in."

Carmen was the first to enter and remove her shoes. "James, this is my roommate Lena. Lena, this is James."

After Carmen moved out of the way, I proceeded to enter. Thanks to that piece of wood, I stubbed my big toe against it. I had to wear sandals. "Motherfucker!"

Carmen laughed at my mishap. "It isn't that high."

I wasn't amused, but I'd laugh at her if she did the same thing. "I can feel my toe swell. You got some ice, James?"

James examined my ballooning toe. "Ugh, that's nae good. I'll be back with an ice pack."

While he was retrieving the ice pack, I took off my sandals and put on some flip-flops he had as slippers. I also looked around the condo while waiting. Aside from the fact that it was spacious, one thing that caught my eye was an altar of some sort. There were burnt candles as well as dried flower scattered across. And of course two statues: one of the Horned God and one of a Goddess I didn't recognize. It could've been one of those Chinese figurines for ornamental display he used in her place.

Witches are spiritual no matter if they're part of a coven or on their own. Talia's an exception, but I'll save that explanation for another story. The atheist equivalent of witches exists, however ones I know see identifying as one more of a cultural thing.

Besides the altar, there was a ram wandering the same hallway.

"Dinnae mind him," James said of the ram." He's nae used to people."

"Did you get a cat or something?" Carmen asked as I sat down on the couch.

"Ye dinnae remember my pet ram?" he answered as he put the ice pack on my toe.

"Right, still into the magic shit and imaginary friends."

I shuddered as the icy coldness of the pack contacted my foot. I feared he was going to harvest my foot for something by freezing it.

"Just a little longer." He let go of the ice pack, mumbled something, and snapped his fingers.

In an instant my big toe was no longer swollen. I let the ice pack slide off and the toe was back to its normal size. "Wow, that's amazing."

"And since yer a friend of Carmen's and my guest, I'll offer ye that for half price." He picked up the ice pack and placed it on top of the dining table.

"Seriously?"

"I'm just kidding. For a friend I'll offer free of charge. Anything that requires eye of newt will cost ye. It's hard to get eye of newt nowadays with sanctions in place."

Asshole.

"James, I'm hungry. I can tell you made roast." Carmen was sitting across from the kitchen. She could see through the large hole in the wall a large chuck of "meat" and bowls with the side dishes and gravy. While scent alone made it appear to be actual meat, witches largely practice vegetarianism. Something to do with reverence to nature. A bit of a disappointment as I hate meat substitutes.

"Ye brought wine, right?"

Carmen slapped her forehead. "That's what I forgot in the car!" She stood up and went to put on her shoes. "The food'll still be warm when I get back, right?"

"I can easily keep it warm. Who needs microwaves when I can use a simple spell?"

"Good." She opened the door and just as she was about to leave, she walked into an invisible wall. "What weird magic shit is this?" She tried to leave the foyer again and walked into the same invisible wall.

I stood up and attempted to make it out of the unit. Unfortunately, the invisible wall had other plans for me and sent me flying across the room. I must've landed on the TV or a stereo system. Whatever it was, my body hurt like Hell.

James sensed something was off when he looked at me and Carmen. "Ye didnae mention yer roommate is a vampire, did ye?"

"Should have I?"

"If ye had, I'd disarm the barrier. Apparently she must have activated it when she stubbed her toe."

"Apparently?" I tried to sit up but my back was telling otherwise. "Ow!"

"It's a long story I can tell ye over dinner. But first, let's get that wine." James walked over to the doorway and squatted down. He placed his hands on the piece of wood but before he chanted something he tapped the invisible wall with his middle finger. "Well, shite."

"Uh-oh, you don't mean—"

"We're trapped, Carmen. Part of the spell requires me to wave my left hand outwards and I cannae perform it properly with the barrier up." He moved his hands along the wall and somehow he found a break. "I can shrink you down to the size of a mouse—"

"You're not shrinking me down to the size of a fucking mouse, James!" Carmen put a couple of fingers through the hole he found. "Not even a mouse can fucking fit through here."

James looked at me as if I wanted to volunteer.

"No way you're going to shrink me down to the size of a fucking mouse."

Hesighed. "Bloody Hell then it looks like we're stuck."    

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That's quite the predicament for Lena, Carmen and James. Who would think that waving a certain hand in a certain direction is a key part in a magic spell? Have you been stuck some place? Or maybe locked out? If interactive questions aren't your thing, vote, comment on something else, add to your list or library, share it with people, you know the drill.

edited: 15/01/2018

                27/12/2017